I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two roads to popularity. One road is to play the social aggression game where you curate your group of friends that you can control and flex your power by excluding others. This gives you an aura of desirability and perception of power. This kid falls apart when they lose their pack and move on in life.

The other road is the opposite one. The kid that includes the rest that are excluded and is polite to but ignores the queen bee ends up with a pack many times larger. This kid is actually desirable and has a lot of power. This kid can go anywhere.

Neither should be orchestrated by the parents. Teenagers can pick their own path and their own friends. If you TEEN does not have any friends, then it's not everyone else's fault. An entire school of 2800 kids are not actively excluding your kid. Your kid is choosing to not engage, and that's fine. My son is a junior and just started branching out socially. He's fine.

Are you always this obtuse? No one is saying it is anyone else's fault. We're saying that, unless there is a good reason, be kind. It really is not that hard. Many of have done it and ask our kids to do it.

And, yes, in the teen years parents are there to guide their kids and encourage them in positive ways. That is not "orchestration." Again, more excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.

This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.

I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.

Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.

You do realize that they can do these things on your phone. Or many of them on an ipad that is used only at home/under supervision or on a home computer, again supervised. Or They don't need THEIR OWN PHONE to do these things.

Right. Because I want to give my phone to my kids (I have 2 - I can’t imaging the fights over my phone) to my kids for hours at a time. Or have them fight over our 1 home computer because my 13 year old wants to listen to her music but my 10 year old is playing a video game.

Like I said - there are valid reasons for kids to have smartphones - you just don’t like them.

LOL, no. I just think they are bad reasons, or not actually reasons. You don't know how to manage your kids and your children don't know how to go through life without being an entitled ass if they fight over the phone, video games, music, etc. I can only imagine how your kid will react if they have a roommate at college.

Your children can have a great social life and be safe with a phone that makes calls and texts. We all go through without smartphones and they can too. And yes, of course your children will be exposed to harmful things when you're not around... the difference is that they won't have access 24/7 to a device that is bad for their mental health. They can't turn it off. Just look at the adults walking around heads buried in their phones while life goes on around them. When I go to a show, 50% of people are experiencing the thing through their phones. I mean, WTF. WAKE UP! Let your children live life with eyes wide open to the world around them! Don't give them a portal for bullies and pedos. You're spoiling your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

My daughter definitely seeks out the friendless kids sometimes. Never said I didn’t teach her to be kind. But she can’t do it all the time, and I don’t expect her to. Especially if the first time she does it she realizes that the friendless person is not someone she enjoys spending time with.

No one said "all the time." And your prior post acknowledged that. Asking a tween to spend some time with a friendless kid on a free-flowing night like Halloween is hardly an imposition. It's was big kids and adults learn to do. Again, it's kind. If there is a LEGIT issue with the other kid that would provide a reason not to include, obviously that would be reasonable. Just because she doesn't want to (which is what you said), is lame. And you're making all kinds of excuses to justify that.

Listen, I know you’re clearly a better parent than I am. I get that now.

If my kid doesn’t want to hang out with the friendless kid that picks their nose or humps trees (true story), I’m not going to make her. I’m not making excuses - just telling you how we roll. I don’t think it’s my kids job to save the friendless kids of the world - and I’m not going to force her. Even on a “free flowing” evening like Halloween.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.

This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.

I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.

Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.

You do realize that they can do these things on your phone. Or many of them on an ipad that is used only at home/under supervision or on a home computer, again supervised. Or They don't need THEIR OWN PHONE to do these things.

Right. Because I want to give my phone to my kids (I have 2 - I can’t imaging the fights over my phone) to my kids for hours at a time. Or have them fight over our 1 home computer because my 13 year old wants to listen to her music but my 10 year old is playing a video game.

Like I said - there are valid reasons for kids to have smartphones - you just don’t like them.

LOL, no. I just think they are bad reasons, or not actually reasons. You don't know how to manage your kids and your children don't know how to go through life without being an entitled ass if they fight over the phone, video games, music, etc. I can only imagine how your kid will react if they have a roommate at college.

Your children can have a great social life and be safe with a phone that makes calls and texts. We all go through without smartphones and they can too. And yes, of course your children will be exposed to harmful things when you're not around... the difference is that they won't have access 24/7 to a device that is bad for their mental health. They can't turn it off. Just look at the adults walking around heads buried in their phones while life goes on around them. When I go to a show, 50% of people are experiencing the thing through their phones. I mean, WTF. WAKE UP! Let your children live life with eyes wide open to the world around them! Don't give them a portal for bullies and pedos. You're spoiling your children.

I guess all my friends and I just haven’t nailed parenting as you have. I can’t think of even one other family where the kids don’t fight over stuff like this. I fought with my brother ALL THE TIME. Silly me for thinking this was pretty normal among the tween/teen age group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

I absolutely do. I have limited time, space, and money, and I choose to spend it on people I enjoy. Not inviting everyone to everything is not rude. I also don't expect to be invited to everything, particularly if I'm not especially close to the host. I don't get my knickers in a twist and shout "not fair". Because I'm an adult and am in charge of my feelings.

I didn’t say other people get upset I just said what you do is rude. You are rude. Just own it if you can own your feelings you should own your actions as

No, I don't own it, because I categorically disagree with you that I am being rude. My guest lists are not open to a referendum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two roads to popularity. One road is to play the social aggression game where you curate your group of friends that you can control and flex your power by excluding others. This gives you an aura of desirability and perception of power. This kid falls apart when they lose their pack and move on in life.

The other road is the opposite one. The kid that includes the rest that are excluded and is polite to but ignores the queen bee ends up with a pack many times larger. This kid is actually desirable and has a lot of power. This kid can go anywhere.

Neither should be orchestrated by the parents. Teenagers can pick their own path and their own friends. If you TEEN does not have any friends, then it's not everyone else's fault. An entire school of 2800 kids are not actively excluding your kid. Your kid is choosing to not engage, and that's fine. My son is a junior and just started branching out socially. He's fine.

Are you always this obtuse? No one is saying it is anyone else's fault. We're saying that, unless there is a good reason, be kind. It really is not that hard. Many of have done it and ask our kids to do it.

And, yes, in the teen years parents are there to guide their kids and encourage them in positive ways. That is not "orchestration." Again, more excuses.

My kids are kind. I still let them choose who they want to hang out with. We have a pretty full schedule, including just family time, and when free times pop up, my kids get to pick who to be with. They are also kind, caring and empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

I absolutely do. I have limited time, space, and money, and I choose to spend it on people I enjoy. Not inviting everyone to everything is not rude. I also don't expect to be invited to everything, particularly if I'm not especially close to the host. I don't get my knickers in a twist and shout "not fair". Because I'm an adult and am in charge of my feelings.

I didn’t say other people get upset I just said what you do is rude. You are rude. Just own it if you can own your feelings you should own your actions as

No, I don't own it, because I categorically disagree with you that I am being rude. My guest lists are not open to a referendum.

Of course you are not open to growth because you are self righteous. Yes your actions are open to referendum when you open them to a forum like DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Oh, the drama.
Why can’t a kid be kind without randomly inviting someone to hang out with him and his two close friends? Seriously? No one did that when I was growing up. They were kind to me but I wasn’t randomly invited with others who were close and hung out often.

[Anonymous]

The invite everyone poster is off her rocker.
We’re not “open to growth”? Lady, you must have a rough time in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, the drama.
Why can’t a kid be kind without randomly inviting someone to hang out with him and his two close friends? Seriously? No one did that when I was growing up. They were kind to me but I wasn’t randomly invited with others who were close and hung out often.

It appears that on DCUM you either ask every straggler to join your kids 100% of the time, or you and your kids are sociopaths. Definitely no in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The invite everyone poster is off her rocker.
We’re not “open to growth”? Lady, you must have a rough time in life.

You think the Invite Everyone poster is also the There Is Literally No Reason For A Kid To Have A Smartphone Ever poster?

[Anonymous]

It starts when the kid are babies. This isn't anything new and I'm surprised you just notice it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

My daughter definitely seeks out the friendless kids sometimes. Never said I didn’t teach her to be kind. But she can’t do it all the time, and I don’t expect her to. Especially if the first time she does it she realizes that the friendless person is not someone she enjoys spending time with.

No one said "all the time." And your prior post acknowledged that. Asking a tween to spend some time with a friendless kid on a free-flowing night like Halloween is hardly an imposition. It's was big kids and adults learn to do. Again, it's kind. If there is a LEGIT issue with the other kid that would provide a reason not to include, obviously that would be reasonable. Just because she doesn't want to (which is what you said), is lame. And you're making all kinds of excuses to justify that.

Listen, I know you’re clearly a better parent than I am. I get that now.

If my kid doesn’t want to hang out with the friendless kid that picks their nose or humps trees (true story), I’m not going to make her. I’m not making excuses - just telling you how we roll. I don’t think it’s my kids job to save the friendless kids of the world - and I’m not going to force her. Even on a “free flowing” evening like Halloween.

Wow, your dehumanizing a damn child makes the first bolded statement more true than you know. You should be ashamed of speaking about a child like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The invite everyone poster is off her rocker.
We’re not “open to growth”? Lady, you must have a rough time in life.

There is no invite everyone poster .

There are people saying leaving 1 person from s group out on purpose is rude.

There are people saying purposeful social isolation is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

My daughter definitely seeks out the friendless kids sometimes. Never said I didn’t teach her to be kind. But she can’t do it all the time, and I don’t expect her to. Especially if the first time she does it she realizes that the friendless person is not someone she enjoys spending time with.

No one said "all the time." And your prior post acknowledged that. Asking a tween to spend some time with a friendless kid on a free-flowing night like Halloween is hardly an imposition. It's was big kids and adults learn to do. Again, it's kind. If there is a LEGIT issue with the other kid that would provide a reason not to include, obviously that would be reasonable. Just because she doesn't want to (which is what you said), is lame. And you're making all kinds of excuses to justify that.

Listen, I know you’re clearly a better parent than I am. I get that now.

If my kid doesn’t want to hang out with the friendless kid that picks their nose or humps trees (true story), I’m not going to make her. I’m not making excuses - just telling you how we roll. I don’t think it’s my kids job to save the friendless kids of the world - and I’m not going to force her. Even on a “free flowing” evening like Halloween.

Wow, your dehumanizing a damn child makes the first bolded statement more true than you know. You should be ashamed of speaking about a child like that.

Ok. Your kid can hang with the tree humper (not sure how that’s dehumanizing). My child tried hanging out with her several times. Seems your family would be more open to it.