I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

Not PP. But, to be clear. You, an adult, feel that if you are invited to a social gathering then ALL of those in attendance are obligated to invite you to EVERY OTHER social gathering they ever attend?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

Not PP. But, to be clear. You, an adult, feel that if you are invited to a social gathering then ALL of those in attendance are obligated to invite you to EVERY OTHER social gathering they ever attend?

No. I said if there is a group that gets together often but when it’s your turn to host and you exclude 1 person it’s rude.

Like book club... if when you host you dontinclyde somebody you don’t like it’s rude.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There are two roads to popularity. One road is to play the social aggression game where you curate your group of friends that you can control and flex your power by excluding others. This gives you an aura of desirability and perception of power. This kid falls apart when they lose their pack and move on in life.

The other road is the opposite one. The kid that includes the rest that are excluded and is polite to but ignores the queen bee ends up with a pack many times larger. This kid is actually desirable and has a lot of power. This kid can go anywhere.

Neither should be orchestrated by the parents. Teenagers can pick their own path and their own friends. If you TEEN does not have any friends, then it's not everyone else's fault. An entire school of 2800 kids are not actively excluding your kid. Your kid is choosing to not engage, and that's fine. My son is a junior and just started branching out socially. He's fine.

Are you always this obtuse? No one is saying it is anyone else's fault. We're saying that, unless there is a good reason, be kind. It really is not that hard. Many of have done it and ask our kids to do it.

And, yes, in the teen years parents are there to guide their kids and encourage them in positive ways. That is not "orchestration." Again, more excuses.

Encouraging your kid to be kind and forcing them to hang out with people they are peripherally friends with are very different. And I promise, if you try to control your teen's social life, they will either shut you out completely or have none.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

My daughter definitely seeks out the friendless kids sometimes. Never said I didn’t teach her to be kind. But she can’t do it all the time, and I don’t expect her to. Especially if the first time she does it she realizes that the friendless person is not someone she enjoys spending time with.

No one said "all the time." And your prior post acknowledged that. Asking a tween to spend some time with a friendless kid on a free-flowing night like Halloween is hardly an imposition. It's was big kids and adults learn to do. Again, it's kind. If there is a LEGIT issue with the other kid that would provide a reason not to include, obviously that would be reasonable. Just because she doesn't want to (which is what you said), is lame. And you're making all kinds of excuses to justify that.

That’s not what the ToT thread was about.

The OP’s kid as not invited out with her friends for unknown reasons. OP wanted to know if she should call their parents! Then said that her kid is never invited out with these other kids, it’s always them reaching out with no reciprocation. Those kids obviously don’t lIke the OP’s kid. OP doing that would most likely make it worse.

I’d think know what you’re talking about but it’s not really relevant to this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

Not PP. But, to be clear. You, an adult, feel that if you are invited to a social gathering then ALL of those in attendance are obligated to invite you to EVERY OTHER social gathering they ever attend?

No. I said if there is a group that gets together often but when it’s your turn to host and you exclude 1 person it’s rude.

Like book club... if when you host you dontinclyde somebody you don’t like it’s rude.

But that's not the situation PP was talking about, nor was it the situation that is being referenced in this thread as a whole (not being invited to non-neighborhood friend's TOT). It's ok to not include everyone all of the time, even your precious 11 year old. It's not rude, nor is it even about you.
It seems to me that all of the folks crying rude and sociopath here are the ones who truly have issues, assuming others' social lives revolve around them in ANY way.

[Anonymous]

I think the parents who get involved in social engineering are the ones who have kids who struggle socially. It’s all fine and good to not mind if your kids get excluded if your kids have tons of friends otherwise. It’s a different story when your kid isn’t liked too much. It hurts—both your child and you. Parents just want to help their children.

[Anonymous]

I think both sides of the argument has valid points but it’s good to practice kindness, it’s good for the soul. If I were to ever find out that a kid is feeling left out or excluded, I would go out of my way to include this child, it’s just the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

People, get your child a dog, seriously. Having a pet especially a dog will take their mind off a lot of this nonsense.I really mean this sincerely.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

Not PP. But, to be clear. You, an adult, feel that if you are invited to a social gathering then ALL of those in attendance are obligated to invite you to EVERY OTHER social gathering they ever attend?

No. I said if there is a group that gets together often but when it’s your turn to host and you exclude 1 person it’s rude.

Like book club... if when you host you dontinclyde somebody you don’t like it’s rude.

But that's not the situation PP was talking about, nor was it the situation that is being referenced in this thread as a whole (not being invited to non-neighborhood friend's TOT). It's ok to not include everyone all of the time, even your precious 11 year old. It's not rude, nor is it even about you.
It seems to me that all of the folks crying rude and sociopath here are the ones who truly have issues, assuming others' social lives revolve around them in ANY way.

You are right it isn’t directly related to the original post.

It addresses the self selecting lunatic’s post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the parents who get involved in social engineering are the ones who have kids who struggle socially. It’s all fine and good to not mind if your kids get excluded if your kids have tons of friends otherwise. It’s a different story when your kid isn’t liked too much. It hurts—both your child and you. Parents just want to help their children.

That’s fine for elementary school, but by the time they are teenagers parents need to step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the parents who get involved in social engineering are the ones who have kids who struggle socially. It’s all fine and good to not mind if your kids get excluded if your kids have tons of friends otherwise. It’s a different story when your kid isn’t liked too much. It hurts—both your child and you. Parents just want to help their children.

That’s fine for elementary school, but by the time they are teenagers parents need to step back.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers me about it is when they blame the other parents for being "mean girls" and social climbers and so on when the truth is probably that their kids don't like yours. Simple. What am I am I supposed to do about that as the other parent?

And no I'm not going to invite 20+ kids to my kids' bday parties now that we're out of the class party stage. We take our kids out to do fun and expensive things on their bdays like going to an amusement park or a ropes course or something. I'm not going to pay for 20 + kids to do that nor could my husband and I appropriately chaperone that many kids.

when it comes to kids just hanging out on the weekend, I'm not going to invite over 10 kids to our house either. To be frank, I don't want that many people over here! I don't really want the few that he's allowed to invite, let alone 10 more.

Other parents' expectations about this are so crazy and entitled in my opinion. Look if you want to have 20 + kids over at your house, god bless. But I'm not doing it and I don't think I should have to either just so your kid doesn't feel left out. Learn to deal.

You sound like a sociopath seriously get some help. No sane person thinks like this. I am sure your kid is similar.

lol, this is not sociopathic! This is normal. Are you really inviting 20 + kids over to your house all the time?!

It’s more the tone of the post and the lack of caring or concern about anyone else but herself which makes her sound like a social path. There’s also a meanness to her posts which further support the idea of a social path.

As adults, we like some people and don't like others. Of those that I like, I self-select which ones I will spend extra time socializing with (lunches, coffee, walks, etc.). It doesn't make me mean but I don't have time to seek out people I don't connect with as much. There was nothing wrong with the tone of the post. You just don't like the message (underlined.) It's harsh but so be it. It doesn't mean she isn't caring, but instead is trying to help others accept what they don't want to accept.

it's bizarre to me that you never socialize with people that you don't self select. I mean it's not he deep. Sometimes you are in social situations with people that are not your close friends. So what? Sometimes you have a cookout for neighbors and invite the one person that is not your favorite but it would be weird to not include them.

NP. It's not that we never socialize with people we don't self select. I go to other people's parties all the time, where there are people I don't particularly care for, and I'm perfectly pleasant to them. But when I'm controlling the guest list, you'd better believe I only invite people whose company I enjoy. I'm no martyr.

Being gracious is not the same as being a martyr. So what you’re saying is if there’s a group of people that generally get together when you plan for them to get together you leave certain people out... that is rude. If you do that you are rude.

Not PP. But, to be clear. You, an adult, feel that if you are invited to a social gathering then ALL of those in attendance are obligated to invite you to EVERY OTHER social gathering they ever attend?

No. I said if there is a group that gets together often but when it’s your turn to host and you exclude 1 person it’s rude.

Like book club... if when you host you dontinclyde somebody you don’t like it’s rude.

But that's not the situation PP was talking about, nor was it the situation that is being referenced in this thread as a whole (not being invited to non-neighborhood friend's TOT). It's ok to not include everyone all of the time, even your precious 11 year old. It's not rude, nor is it even about you.
It seems to me that all of the folks crying rude and sociopath here are the ones who truly have issues, assuming others' social lives revolve around them in ANY way.

You are right it isn’t directly related to the original post.

It addresses the self selecting lunatic’s post.

NP here. You are trying to compare her post about hosting a party and limiting her guest list to a book club. It's simply not comparable. She is not a "lunatic" for saying that she limits her own party's guest list to the people she has clicked with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.

You can't invite everyone. I'm sure you are exaggerating and left people out. Or were you inviting over 200 people to your parties?

There were not 200 girls in my class, there were 30 kids so 15 girls.

In high school, sure there were groups but everybody had a group. If there was a girls without a "group" somebody brought her into the fold. Nobody had nowhere to go on Halloween or on the weekends.

I went to a school with 100 girls per grade though.

I have a sneeze NG suspicion that not all of your classmates thought the social environment of your school was so nurturing.

[Anonymous]

Let’s just chill it. Just move on. Find other groups. Or don’t read this forum please. Some people find support in asking for ideas and anonymously. Others find it over the top. Just don’t judge the other person. Let it go! Don’t you have your kids to take care of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The invite everyone poster is off her rocker.
We’re not “open to growth”? Lady, you must have a rough time in life.

There is no invite everyone poster .

There are people saying leaving 1 person from s group out on purpose is rude.

There are people saying purposeful social isolation is wrong.

Just because they don't include someone doesn't make it purpose social isolation. If they proactively try to get someone excluded when someone else wants to include them, then that's purposeful social isolation. I have a teen who isn't always included. One of my best friend's DD is in the same grade as my DD and they are in classes together. Her DD is socially "popular" but doesn't include my DD despite knowing her for years. That doesn't upset me. They've had plenty of opportunities to be around each other and they don't really bond. I know if I ask my friend to include my DD she would, but as we can't force her DD to actually click with my DD, it would just be awkward for all invoked. I didnt get invited to things in high school and managed to turn out just fine. I wasn't like the other kids. I didn't know how to make small talk and just wasn't good at interacting in social settings. Why is that someone else's responsibility? We all want to protect our kids and give them the best life, but we shouldn't expect others to include someone they don't really get along with. If your child feels loved within your family, you've given them a great foundation to deal with not being included.