I'm amazed by all the "social engineering" on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.

You can't invite everyone. I'm sure you are exaggerating and left people out. Or were you inviting over 200 people to your parties?

There were not 200 girls in my class, there were 30 kids so 15 girls.

In high school, sure there were groups but everybody had a group. If there was a girls without a "group" somebody brought her into the fold. Nobody had nowhere to go on Halloween or on the weekends.

I went to a school with 100 girls per grade though.

So you cannot relate to the people whose kids are in classes of 600+ students who are left out and decide they are "weird" to worry about their socially isolated kids?

I didn’t say that you have to include everybody I just said if we found out there was a kid that was being left out by every group we would make sure that she or he was invited places on the weekend even if she wasn’t our favorite person ...it is a big deal to socially isolate a person it’s not a big deal to invite the one person that has no friends to a party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Because it’s kind. I always tell my kids if there’s a kid that has nobody to sit with at lunch you include that person and when they sit down you’re nice to them And include them in the conversation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was growing up our parents did not care who you liked or did not like, you invited everybody and you did not leave somebody out. You got over it and learned to be a gracious host.

Ummm not for teenagers and everybody would be 600 kids in a grade...at many schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.

This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.

I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.

Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.

You do realize that they can do these things on your phone. Or many of them on an ipad that is used only at home/under supervision or on a home computer, again supervised. Or They don't need THEIR OWN PHONE to do these things.

Right. Because I want to give my phone to my kids (I have 2 - I can’t imaging the fights over my phone) to my kids for hours at a time. Or have them fight over our 1 home computer because my 13 year old wants to listen to her music but my 10 year old is playing a video game.

Like I said - there are valid reasons for kids to have smartphones - you just don’t like them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Because it’s kind. I always tell my kids if there’s a kid that has nobody to sit with at lunch you include that person and when they sit down you’re nice to them And include them in the conversation

We’ve established that it’s kind. But it’s also hard for young people to do. Sometimes they don’t want to. And that’s a valid reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

NP - I taught my kids to be inclusive in elementary school. In high school they need to fend for themselves. Sometimes they are outgoing, and other times they are completely happy sitting at home. I'm not arranging playdates or making them invite people to things. They are teenagers. In a few weeks one will be considered an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.

This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.

I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.

Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.

You do realize that they can do these things on your phone. Or many of them on an ipad that is used only at home/under supervision or on a home computer, again supervised. Or They don't need THEIR OWN PHONE to do these things.

Right. Because I want to give my phone to my kids (I have 2 - I can’t imaging the fights over my phone) to my kids for hours at a time. Or have them fight over our 1 home computer because my 13 year old wants to listen to her music but my 10 year old is playing a video game.

Like I said - there are valid reasons for kids to have smartphones - you just don’t like them.

At 10?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
While some parents make mountains out of molehills, you need to remember that there are some manipulative teens out there, and also that this isn't your generation - this one is dealing with the reverb effects of social media, which is merciless because it shows all the other people having fun without you. Adults suffer from this as well.

This. The PP is right.

OP, I'm older (kid in college) and while I agree with you that some DCUM posters seem to go too far in wringing their hands over specific invitations sometimes...there are also other interactions and more serious exclusions that today can turn far more damaging than back in the day when spats or BFF dramas could just die out over a comparatively short time, or manipulative teens/tweens would just move on to another thing. Now, social media can keep drama alive, spread it to a nearly school-wide circle of kids, and amplify its effects greatly. Parents need to be aware of this and not dismiss it.

What’s bonkers is that parents spend a huge mount of time dealing with issues that are caused by or at least exacerbated by social media instead of doing the actual parenting of not giving their kids smartphones. There truly is NO REASON your teen needs a smart phone or social media. None.

I would rather my kids learn how to use social media properly rather than take it away completely and I think that’s good parenting.

Agree 100%.

I get a kick out of the “there is absolutely no reason to have a smartphone or social media! None!” people. How about communication? Social interaction? Keeping up with their friends? Watching videos for FUN (oh, the horror!)? My daughter uses hers as her alarm. And a phone to call her friends. And to text. And to check out her friends Instagram. And to look up fun art projects. And to binge watch Friends on Netflix.

You may not like the reasons, but that’s on you. There are plenty of reasons in this day and age to have a smartphone and social media. I just monitor my daughters phone when necessary and talk about stuff that comes up as needed.

You do realize that they can do these things on your phone. Or many of them on an ipad that is used only at home/under supervision or on a home computer, again supervised. Or They don't need THEIR OWN PHONE to do these things.

Right. Because I want to give my phone to my kids (I have 2 - I can’t imaging the fights over my phone) to my kids for hours at a time. Or have them fight over our 1 home computer because my 13 year old wants to listen to her music but my 10 year old is playing a video game.

Like I said - there are valid reasons for kids to have smartphones - you just don’t like them.

At 10?

Yes. My 10 year old has a smartphone. As do most of his friends.

I realize that to most of you, his brain is disintegrating as we speak, his prospects for college are gone and flushed down the toilet, and the most complex sentence he will be able to say when he’s 20 is “would you like fries with that?” But I’m ok with his phone use. He spends the majority of his time outside with his friends anyway. At least I’m pretty sure his lungs are healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

My daughter definitely seeks out the friendless kids sometimes. Never said I didn’t teach her to be kind. But she can’t do it all the time, and I don’t expect her to. Especially if the first time she does it she realizes that the friendless person is not someone she enjoys spending time with.

[Anonymous]

There are two roads to popularity. One road is to play the social aggression game where you curate your group of friends that you can control and flex your power by excluding others. This gives you an aura of desirability and perception of power. This kid falls apart when they lose their pack and move on in life.

The other road is the opposite one. The kid that includes the rest that are excluded and is polite to but ignores the queen bee ends up with a pack many times larger. This kid is actually desirable and has a lot of power. This kid can go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two roads to popularity. One road is to play the social aggression game where you curate your group of friends that you can control and flex your power by excluding others. This gives you an aura of desirability and perception of power. This kid falls apart when they lose their pack and move on in life.

The other road is the opposite one. The kid that includes the rest that are excluded and is polite to but ignores the queen bee ends up with a pack many times larger. This kid is actually desirable and has a lot of power. This kid can go anywhere.

Neither should be orchestrated by the parents. Teenagers can pick their own path and their own friends. If you TEEN does not have any friends, then it's not everyone else's fault. An entire school of 2800 kids are not actively excluding your kid. Your kid is choosing to not engage, and that's fine. My son is a junior and just started branching out socially. He's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Because it’s kind. I always tell my kids if there’s a kid that has nobody to sit with at lunch you include that person and when they sit down you’re nice to them And include them in the conversation

We’ve established that it’s kind. But it’s also hard for young people to do. Sometimes they don’t want to. And that’s a valid reason.

Homework is hard too and sometimes they don’t wanna do it but doesn’t mean you don’t do it. The more you do it the easier it gets so yeah it is a requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with actively seeking out a kid with zero friends and inviting them places on occasion? It’s called kindness.

There’s nothing wrong with it. But I think it’s a lot to ask of a tween/teen to spend hours with someone they don’t like or want to hang out with in the name of kindness. I find it difficult to do and I’m an adult! As long as kids aren’t being actively mean to others I don’t see why they have to seek out the friendless kid.

Way to set an example for your kid and to teach them to be a better person. Basically, let the friendless ones fend for themselves and who cares, right?

My daughter definitely seeks out the friendless kids sometimes. Never said I didn’t teach her to be kind. But she can’t do it all the time, and I don’t expect her to. Especially if the first time she does it she realizes that the friendless person is not someone she enjoys spending time with.

No one said "all the time." And your prior post acknowledged that. Asking a tween to spend some time with a friendless kid on a free-flowing night like Halloween is hardly an imposition. It's was big kids and adults learn to do. Again, it's kind. If there is a LEGIT issue with the other kid that would provide a reason not to include, obviously that would be reasonable. Just because she doesn't want to (which is what you said), is lame. And you're making all kinds of excuses to justify that.