Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Whatever. We have a small house. We can’t include everyone. If you can, great.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DD not know any kids in your neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can ask for Halloween but you are not going to break into this social group. You made your effort and for whatever reason it didn’t work. It may be something as simple as neighborhood.
But the sooner your DD branches out into another group the better. Only speaking from experience. I know it’s hurtful and disappointing.

This happened to us as well. It sucks, but you need to find a different group. My daughter did - she had a new group in middle school and then another new one in high school (the middle school split). It took a while, but I'm glad she did.

[Anonymous]

How did Halloween go, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you can ask for Halloween but you are not going to break into this social group. You made your effort and for whatever reason it didn’t work. It may be something as simple as neighborhood.
But the sooner your DD branches out into another group the better. Only speaking from experience. I know it’s hurtful and disappointing.

This happened to us as well. It sucks, but you need to find a different group. My daughter did - she had a new group in middle school and then another new one in high school (the middle school split). It took a while, but I'm glad she did.

I know it's really hard to see your child feeling so hurt.

i just had this chat with my middle schooler, who is having a hard time realizing that her energy is better spent elsewhere. I can't know the details of your daughter's interactions with this group, but in our case, my DD has been defining some larger friend group based on the lunch table (which is a self-selected group) - they tolerate her being there, and some of the girls are actively friendly to her, but it's like there is an orbit around a few queen bees, and she's on the outer periphery. She does have close friends, who also sit there, but she and her close friends really need to move on before these other girls get mean about it. (They already have a little bit.) I told her that it's a question of maintaining her dignity not to complain about being left out, and that it would be better to spend her energy in a positive way branching out and broadening her horizons with girls who are a better match (but keeping the close friends who are also on that outer periphery). In our case, my DD is being oddly stubborn about it and won't give up easily...it drives me nuts, but there's only so much I can do.

[Anonymous]

Just think, If you went to your neighborhood school this probably wouldnt be happening and you wouldnt have to work so hard to make social groups for your daughter.

There are good reasons why kids end up at a school outside their boundaries. in FCPS there are immersion opportunities. Half of my sons class come from out of boundary. Some of the kids make an effort to go tot he park after school so they can play with their classmates. I don't really know which kids are out of boundary, which are after care, and which are neighborhood kids. I know where most of my sons friends are, they are in boundary for the school, but there are two kids he has been talking about this year who are out of boundary. We are working out plans for play dates and the like.

There are kids who need services and are at schools outside their boundaries. This could be for a learn disability or other issue or it could be a kid in AAP. Our school does not have Local Level IV so any kid who wnats to attend AAP has to go to a center. One of the reasons why some of the kids choose not to go to the Center is because they want to avoid the issue of school friends farther away.

The world is not black and white. It is likely that the OPs kid is in a better academic enviroment at the out of boundary schools but that does make the social scene a bit more challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad in a way we're not the only ones. Hope it works out for your daughter OP. My daughter who is 13 has special needs and struggles socially, so it's always been a challenge for us, but we've managed. My son who is 11 doesn't get invited either to go with the "cool kids" who he hangs out with at school because the moms are jerks (social climbers) who exclude anyone who doesn't do everything with them and their kids (sports teams, moms' nights outs, etc.). It's a bummer. We usually manage to find one friend for each kid to go with but sometimes I feel like we're on the Island of Misfit Toys. Kind of looking forward to them aging out of trick or treating. Good luck!

That’s thats so rude. It’s like anything - everyone can’t be included. Kids who are the closest are included. Them’s the breaks. Sometime my kid is included and sometimes not.

shouldn't you try to include the kids your child likes and not just the ones who are convenient to you?

What?? NO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live out of bounds for the school my kid goes to. So to create friendships over the years I’ve arranged play dates, help start a club at school, and been really nice to all the parents. But we never get any play date invites in return. And now my 11 year old is devestated that her friends are going trick or treating in their neighborhood and talking about all the fun they will have, without thinking of inviting her. It hurts for all of us because we’ve always been the family offering things to her group of friends, and doing the inviting. And yet, they ignore us/her. Why is this? I know we don’t live in their neighborhood, but we aren’t that far away, and it just sucks how despite knowing these families for years, we are not thought of. They stay in their little clicks and don’t let anyone else in, no matter how hard we try. We even found out a group of them is going to an event together, and despite the people in that group being my child’s friends, no one let us know about it or invited us. It’s a very painful situation. Just venting.

Reread your bolded sentences OP. If what you say here is really true, that you are always the ones doing the inviting and this is never reciprocated, then you already have your answer. You know what the problem is. You just don't want to accept it.

These kids don't want to go out of their way to be friends with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just think, If you went to your neighborhood school this probably wouldnt be happening and you wouldnt have to work so hard to make social groups for your daughter.

There are good reasons why kids end up at a school outside their boundaries. in FCPS there are immersion opportunities. Half of my sons class come from out of boundary. Some of the kids make an effort to go tot he park after school so they can play with their classmates. I don't really know which kids are out of boundary, which are after care, and which are neighborhood kids. I know where most of my sons friends are, they are in boundary for the school, but there are two kids he has been talking about this year who are out of boundary. We are working out plans for play dates and the like.

There are kids who need services and are at schools outside their boundaries. This could be for a learn disability or other issue or it could be a kid in AAP. Our school does not have Local Level IV so any kid who wnats to attend AAP has to go to a center. One of the reasons why some of the kids choose not to go to the Center is because they want to avoid the issue of school friends farther away.

The world is not black and white. It is likely that the OPs kid is in a better academic enviroment at the out of boundary schools but that does make the social scene a bit more challenging.

Interesting that you think OP's child is in a better academic environment. OP said that they lotteried out of their neighborhood school.

The problem with using the lottery to change your child's peer group and avoid your neighbors' kids is that your NEW school community still thinks of your child as being from the neighborhood that you were trying to escape. They don't know how special your child is, and how they could not possible have gone to the neighborhood school with hoi polloi.

[Anonymous]

People around here suck. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

[Anonymous]

It really is most likely a neighborhood thing. They assumed you would want to stay in your own neighborhood for TOT.

[Anonymous]

How did it go, Op?

[Anonymous]

It's trick or treating OUTSIDE - not IN your house. Geesh!
There're a lot of mean people on this board.

Most often a group of 15 splits into two or three groups.

Extend an invitation on Halloween.

#Benice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are we not able to teach our kids a little self reliance? Disappointment handling is a trait.

Are we not able to teach our kids to be nice and inclusive?