Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live out of bounds for the school my kid goes to. So to create friendships over the years I’ve arranged play dates, help start a club at school, and been really nice to all the parents. But we never get any play date invites in return. And now my 11 year old is devestated that her friends are going trick or treating in their neighborhood and talking about all the fun they will have, without thinking of inviting her. It hurts for all of us because we’ve always been the family offering things to her group of friends, and doing the inviting. And yet, they ignore us/her. Why is this? I know we don’t live in their neighborhood, but we aren’t that far away, and it just sucks how despite knowing these families for years, we are not thought of. They stay in their little clicks and don’t let anyone else in, no matter how hard we try. We even found out a group of them is going to an event together, and despite the people in that group being my child’s friends, no one let us know about it or invited us. It’s a very painful situation. Just venting.

Be direct and invite them to do something for Halloween and let them know your daughter has no plans. Hopefully they will say they have plans and include your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Did you reach out? This happens to us, and we just say, anyone want to get kids together for Halloween. Answer is always, sure, and then we plan it together. People are busy. Take responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Glad in a way we're not the only ones. Hope it works out for your daughter OP. My daughter who is 13 has special needs and struggles socially, so it's always been a challenge for us, but we've managed. My son who is 11 doesn't get invited either to go with the "cool kids" who he hangs out with at school because the moms are jerks (social climbers) who exclude anyone who doesn't do everything with them and their kids (sports teams, moms' nights outs, etc.). It's a bummer. We usually manage to find one friend for each kid to go with but sometimes I feel like we're on the Island of Misfit Toys. Kind of looking forward to them aging out of trick or treating. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad in a way we're not the only ones. Hope it works out for your daughter OP. My daughter who is 13 has special needs and struggles socially, so it's always been a challenge for us, but we've managed. My son who is 11 doesn't get invited either to go with the "cool kids" who he hangs out with at school because the moms are jerks (social climbers) who exclude anyone who doesn't do everything with them and their kids (sports teams, moms' nights outs, etc.). It's a bummer. We usually manage to find one friend for each kid to go with but sometimes I feel like we're on the Island of Misfit Toys. Kind of looking forward to them aging out of trick or treating. Good luck!

That’s thats so rude. It’s like anything - everyone can’t be included. Kids who are the closest are included. Them’s the breaks. Sometime my kid is included and sometimes not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am hearing there is a lot of angst with being the kid doing the asking others ronget together at this age. My DD really seems to prefer her new friends at middle school but is reluctant to ask them to get together for trick or treat
Or any other activities at this point. She does not have that anxiety about long standing friends.

It's not about anxiety, it's about the appropriateness of basically inviting yourself to someone else's get together, and that a tween is at the age to start recognizing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own tweens' trick or treating plans used to come together fairly last minute (like a day or two before). Maybe if your daughter mentions to her friends that she doesn't have plans to trick or treat with anyone they'll invite her over to their house?

I doubt that her friends are excluding her on purpose, it probably just hasn't dawned on them (or their parents) that your daughter has no one in her neighborhood to go trick or treating with. I'd tell your daughter to speak up.

That’s a good idea. I’m going to tell her to let her friends know she wants to be a part of the fun. Thanks.

I agree that it's probably not intentional.

But, you know, this where you parents reading this can come into play. When I see my DD and groups going out, if someone is not included that usually is or is around a lot of the time or something else seems amiss, ASK OR SUGGEST about that child. There may be a reason s/he wasn't invited. But, it may have been just a hurtful oversight. I've done this. YOu can do it and not be a "helicopter" or overly intrusive. You're teaching them to be kind and inclusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have this problem too. My kids are generally liked, but often just not part of the core group that plans to do things -- and that means I'm not part of the core group either, I guess -- and it leads to the kind of awkwardness and hurt feelings that you are experiencing. Siblings can have fun together -- that's what my kids often did instead of going in a group with friends. I've also been the mom to suggest getting together at Halloween, only to then have my kid invited to a group that was already organized. So you could try that. My kid had fun in that situation. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Awww, this was my childhood. I’m sorry. I had friends that were friends in school but not really outside of school. My elementary school was zoned mostly for one entire subdivision plus some surrounding roads. I lived outside the “development” as we called it and at the time our street wasn’t connected to it by sidewalks or walkable streets. Sometimes I had playdates with the kids from the main part of the neighborhood and I was always included in extracurriculars, but the kids that could walk to each others’ houses (and, I now realize, the adults that could drink together without having to drive) stuck together and had a whole deeper social life that we couldn’t access. In my daughter’s class this year, the one family who lives out of zone makes a point of hosting parties before events like trick-or-treat and invites the entire grade every time. I think they’re awesome people and they’ve inadvertently managed to crack apart some of our school mom cliques by doing so. I’ll be wishing for these kinds of people in your DD’s life, OP. They are out there!

[Anonymous]

Do NOT text the parents. At her age, this would be so embarrassing for her and also puts the parents in an awkward position.

They either innocently forgot to ask her or they don't want her to come. Girls' friendships change quickly in the tween years and she may not be as good as friends with them as she thinks she is. And that does stink, but maybe she needs to step outside of her own circle and make some new friends.

[Anonymous]

It is hard. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a parent problem with the other kids. Their parents are content with the neighborhood group and aren’t good at teaching their kids to offer more.

We ran into the same when ours was in fifth and at the far end of the school boundary. No one was allowed to ride a bike to our house. All the work fell on me and one cooperative mom.

Kids sometimes choose the path of least resistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Immersion? Could there be other kids in the same boat? I agree with pp that communicating with her friends is best, but if that doesn’t work out, invite a classmate in the same situation to your neighborhood.

We have. But they always seem to be busy with other activities. I’m tired of asking all the time. I feel like just fading into oblivion. I’m just trying to help my daughter. But they don’t care.

Speaking from my own experience, she needs to accept (which will be hard) that these girls are not good friends. She can keep them as friends but she should not invest too much time and energy because they don't view her the same way she views them. She should remain friendly with them while trying to find other girls who will be closer, truer friends.

I went through something similar, a little older. At 13 I befriended a girl who was new to my small, private school. I defended her when others attacked her. She eventually made some other friends but we remained close -- or so I thought. We were in classes together, sports together, hung out together at school. At the end of the year for her birthday she invited 3 other girls to go to an amusement park for her birthday, and did not invite me. I was shocked. We remained friends throughout high school but I was never invited to her house and she never accepted invitations to come to mine, although she did go to others'. I never figured out if it was a religion thing (I was one of 6 Jews at a Christian school), a socio-economic thing (I was there on scholarship), a social climbing thing on her parents' part, a competitive thing as we were both vying for top academic honors, or if she just wasn't that into me. In the end it doesn't really matter. What matters is I had a wonderful group of truer friends whom I saw outside of school and who would never treat each other like this, and I still enjoyed her company at school.

Your daughter is younger. 11 is really hard. Friendships start changing a lot from 11-14 anyway. I would not advise her to chase after these girls. It doesn't sound like it's just an oversight. You don't want her to be in a position of weakness and give them all the power. Encourage her to remain friends but not to chase them, and to try to find some more friends who want to be with her at school and outside of school. It will take time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad in a way we're not the only ones. Hope it works out for your daughter OP. My daughter who is 13 has special needs and struggles socially, so it's always been a challenge for us, but we've managed. My son who is 11 doesn't get invited either to go with the "cool kids" who he hangs out with at school because the moms are jerks (social climbers) who exclude anyone who doesn't do everything with them and their kids (sports teams, moms' nights outs, etc.). It's a bummer. We usually manage to find one friend for each kid to go with but sometimes I feel like we're on the Island of Misfit Toys. Kind of looking forward to them aging out of trick or treating. Good luck!

That’s thats so rude. It’s like anything - everyone can’t be included. Kids who are the closest are included. Them’s the breaks. Sometime my kid is included and sometimes not.

shouldn't you try to include the kids your child likes and not just the ones who are convenient to you?

[Anonymous]

Just think, If you went to your neighborhood school this probably wouldnt be happening and you wouldnt have to work so hard to make social groups for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Immersion? Could there be other kids in the same boat? I agree with pp that communicating with her friends is best, but if that doesn’t work out, invite a classmate in the same situation to your neighborhood.

We have. But they always seem to be busy with other activities. I’m tired of asking all the time. I feel like just fading into oblivion. I’m just trying to help my daughter. But they don’t care.

Speaking from my own experience, she needs to accept (which will be hard) that these girls are not good friends. She can keep them as friends but she should not invest too much time and energy because they don't view her the same way she views them. She should remain friendly with them while trying to find other girls who will be closer, truer friends.

I went through something similar, a little older. At 13 I befriended a girl who was new to my small, private school. I defended her when others attacked her. She eventually made some other friends but we remained close -- or so I thought. We were in classes together, sports together, hung out together at school. At the end of the year for her birthday she invited 3 other girls to go to an amusement park for her birthday, and did not invite me. I was shocked. We remained friends throughout high school but I was never invited to her house and she never accepted invitations to come to mine, although she did go to others'. I never figured out if it was a religion thing (I was one of 6 Jews at a Christian school), a socio-economic thing (I was there on scholarship), a social climbing thing on her parents' part, a competitive thing as we were both vying for top academic honors, or if she just wasn't that into me. In the end it doesn't really matter. What matters is I had a wonderful group of truer friends whom I saw outside of school and who would never treat each other like this, and I still enjoyed her company at school.

Your daughter is younger. 11 is really hard. Friendships start changing a lot from 11-14 anyway. I would not advise her to chase after these girls. It doesn't sound like it's just an oversight. You don't want her to be in a position of weakness and give them all the power. Encourage her to remain friends but not to chase them, and to try to find some more friends who want to be with her at school and outside of school. It will take time.

Wow. One of my friends had a mom who wasn't keen on Jews. My friend fought with her mom over this, to her great credit. We only found out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT text the parents. At her age, this would be so embarrassing for her and also puts the parents in an awkward position.

They either innocently forgot to ask her or they don't want her to come. Girls' friendships change quickly in the tween years and she may not be as good as friends with them as she thinks she is. And that does stink, but maybe she needs to step outside of her own circle and make some new friends.

+1

Nailed it.