Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

OP you can ask for Halloween but you are not going to break into this social group. You made your effort and for whatever reason it didn’t work. It may be something as simple as neighborhood.
But the sooner your DD branches out into another group the better. Only speaking from experience. I know it’s hurtful and disappointing.

[Anonymous]

OP, no advice, but just another "you aren't alone" reply.

This is very similar to what happened to my DS in MS. Less than 1/4 of his elementary school class went to the MS we're zoned for, and all of his friends of many years went to a different one. So he was pretty alone to start MS, and then we don't live in one of the "in" neighborhoods (we really aren't in a neighborhood at all, we're somewhat rural). On top of it, DH and I aren't part of the various cliques of parents that seem to control everything. It sucked for my kid, who ended up trick or treating by himself...in one of the cliquey neighborhoods where he'd see his 6th grade classmates running around together.

Hopefully next year will be better for your daughter, OP. Things can turn around quickly in MS.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s fine to check in with one of the moms about Halloween. This is not an exclusive party, it’s walking around in public. “Hey Jill, we’re trying to figure out Halloween plans. Larla would love to trick or treat with her friends. Do you guys have plans yet?”

Other mom can invite your daughter to join or not.

My experience is that few parents look out for kids besides their own. The primary exception is when they are friends with the other parents. At our school (AAP center in FCPS), the parents, for the most part, aren’t really friends with each other, and the kids have limited social plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people trick or treat in their neighborhood for convenience’s sake. I don’t think they mean to exclude, probably just assuming you have plans in your ‘hood. Why don’t you text one of the parents and say “Mind if we join you? Daughter would love to trick or treat with the other kids.”

This.

[Anonymous]

Invite other kids to do something. I am sure there are several kids that still do not have plans. If your daughter has a group maybe they can meet up with the other group later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it’s fine to check in with one of the moms about Halloween. This is not an exclusive party, it’s walking around in public. “Hey Jill, we’re trying to figure out Halloween plans. Larla would love to trick or treat with her friends. Do you guys have plans yet?”

Other mom can invite your daughter to join or not.

My experience is that few parents look out for kids besides their own. The primary exception is when they are friends with the other parents. At our school (AAP center in FCPS), the parents, for the most part, aren’t really friends with each other, and the kids have limited social plans.

Don’t do this. It’s no more or less awkward than asking someone who you know was invited to a bday party and is going, “Do you have plans Sat.” The mom will either respond saying she already has plans (which you know) or will ignore til she can talk to her kid about it after school. It purposefully puts the other mom in a very uncomfortable position. Why would you do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it’s fine to check in with one of the moms about Halloween. This is not an exclusive party, it’s walking around in public. “Hey Jill, we’re trying to figure out Halloween plans. Larla would love to trick or treat with her friends. Do you guys have plans yet?”

Other mom can invite your daughter to join or not.

My experience is that few parents look out for kids besides their own. The primary exception is when they are friends with the other parents. At our school (AAP center in FCPS), the parents, for the most part, aren’t really friends with each other, and the kids have limited social plans.

Don’t do this. It’s no more or less awkward than asking someone who you know was invited to a bday party and is going, “Do you have plans Sat.” The mom will either respond saying she already has plans (which you know) or will ignore til she can talk to her kid about it after school. It purposefully puts the other mom in a very uncomfortable position. Why would you do that?

If you would take offense at such a question, that is more a negative reflection on you.

And if the other mom does dismiss a FRIEND of her child's, then I would have more than enough information to know how to proceed with this person going forward. This happened recently - the details aren't important- but I now know that a child I used to have over, take places, schlep hither and yonder for her parents will not be getting that treatment from me going forward based on something similar. This kid was (is - I've not relayed any of this to my child) a friend. So was the mom, so I thought. But she responded in a similar, exclusive fashion about an event. Nope. We're done.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, my two kids have nobody who wants to trick or treat with them either. And they are pretty fun good kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people trick or treat in their neighborhood for convenience’s sake. I don’t think they mean to exclude, probably just assuming you have plans in your ‘hood. Why don’t you text one of the parents and say “Mind if we join you? Daughter would love to trick or treat with the other kids.”

This.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live out of bounds for the school my kid goes to. So to create friendships over the years I’ve arranged play dates, help start a club at school, and been really nice to all the parents. But we never get any play date invites in return. And now my 11 year old is devestated that her friends are going trick or treating in their neighborhood and talking about all the fun they will have, without thinking of inviting her. It hurts for all of us because we’ve always been the family offering things to her group of friends, and doing the inviting. And yet, they ignore us/her. Why is this? I know we don’t live in their neighborhood, but we aren’t that far away, and it just sucks how despite knowing these families for years, we are not thought of. They stay in their little clicks and don’t let anyone else in, no matter how hard we try. We even found out a group of them is going to an event together, and despite the people in that group being my child’s friends, no one let us know about it or invited us. It’s a very painful situation. Just venting.

All the bolded above points to the fact that these girls aren’t your DD’s friends. Maybe you are coming up with the “neighborhood excuse” because you are in denial. It appears that their exclusion of her has happened over and over. They may be nice at school but your DD is not on their radar at all for this to have happened repeatedly.

Do not try to join up with them and do not reach out to any of the mothers. That would be social suicide for your daughter. It’s time to end the pain cycle and encourage your daughter to make new friends who are actually real friends to her. Real friends do not do exclude you time and time again! My daughter went through this too and once she finally gave up trying to push into a group she ended up making true friends. It’s a painful process and takes time. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can ask for Halloween but you are not going to break into this social group. You made your effort and for whatever reason it didn’t work. It may be something as simple as neighborhood.
But the sooner your DD branches out into another group the better. Only speaking from experience. I know it’s hurtful and disappointing.

+1

It might be as simple as the group is only comfortable with the ones that are going, they like the group the way it is. While you and I may have the more the merrier attitude, not all people do. You can't force yourself into a group of people, that is ridiculous.

Do your DC a favor, and encourage them to be with children who are also looking for a group, so they can make their own group. It is a valuable life lesson for all people to have, not just children. I really do not understand the moms that dwell on this type of stuff, because you are teaching your child to dwell on it, too. Don't do that to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live out of bounds for the school my kid goes to. So to create friendships over the years I’ve arranged play dates, help start a club at school, and been really nice to all the parents. But we never get any play date invites in return. And now my 11 year old is devestated that her friends are going trick or treating in their neighborhood and talking about all the fun they will have, without thinking of inviting her. It hurts for all of us because we’ve always been the family offering things to her group of friends, and doing the inviting. And yet, they ignore us/her. Why is this? I know we don’t live in their neighborhood, but we aren’t that far away, and it just sucks how despite knowing these families for years, we are not thought of. They stay in their little clicks and don’t let anyone else in, no matter how hard we try. We even found out a group of them is going to an event together, and despite the people in that group being my child’s friends, no one let us know about it or invited us. It’s a very painful situation. Just venting.

All the bolded above points to the fact that these girls aren’t your DD’s friends. Maybe you are coming up with the “neighborhood excuse” because you are in denial. It appears that their exclusion of her has happened over and over. They may be nice at school but your DD is not on their radar at all for this to have happened repeatedly.

Do not try to join up with them and do not reach out to any of the mothers. That would be social suicide for your daughter. It’s time to end the pain cycle and encourage your daughter to make new friends who are actually real friends to her. Real friends do not do exclude you time and time again! My daughter went through this too and once she finally gave up trying to push into a group she ended up making true friends. It’s a painful process and takes time. Hang in there.

+1

[Anonymous]

“My neighborhood is really quiet at Halloween. If my mom drives me over can I meet up with all of you?”

[Anonymous]

OP, if this doesn't work out for her to meet up with them, plan something else fun to do with her so she's not sitting at home. Shopping and a scary movie, maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if this doesn't work out for her to meet up with them, plan something else fun to do with her so she's not sitting at home. Shopping and a scary movie, maybe.

This if it doesn’t work with that group or there must be others who do not have plans yet or are willing to include her. Reach out and invite others.