Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.

You act as if saying no is going to cause someone’s major depression. Or scar them for life. It’s ok to say no. Really. Our kids don’t hear enough of it these days, TBH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.

No, it's not kindness to do that to your child. If you want a policy that you as an adult literally invite every adult in the world who ever asks to accompany you somewhere to any event, fine. But forcing a child to do that is a power play not kindness. Everyone deserves to be able to pick and choose their friends and who they want to spend time with, yes even tweens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.

You have more problems coming if you act like this. Your kid tells you she is uncomfortable around another kid who is “changing” in middle school and you’d still have that kid join your kid if she asks? Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.

No, it's not kindness to do that to your child. If you want a policy that you as an adult literally invite every adult in the world who ever asks to accompany you somewhere to any event, fine. But forcing a child to do that is a power play not kindness. Everyone deserves to be able to pick and choose their friends and who they want to spend time with, yes even tweens.

You invite who you want to invite, but if someone asks to join, who would say no? Not me. You I guess. But, no, I would never tell someone they couldn't come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.

You have more problems coming if you act like this. Your kid tells you she is uncomfortable around another kid who is “changing” in middle school and you’d still have that kid join your kid if she asks? Wow. Just wow.

Yes, if she asks. How is she changing? Getting into drugs and sex or something. Getting into violent vieo games. Swearing a lot. Yes, if she asks to come she can come. My child is not at danger and I have myself been around all kinds of people who lack boundaries or are weird, perhaps I even feel a little uncomfortable around them because I don't approve of them or because I cringe for them, but I was generous and understanding and tolerant; it doesn't hurt me at all to be so so why wouldn't? And this is such a small thing - a girl your daughter isn't fond of wants to come to your halloween party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.

You have more problems coming if you act like this. Your kid tells you she is uncomfortable around another kid who is “changing” in middle school and you’d still have that kid join your kid if she asks? Wow. Just wow.

Yes, if she asks. How is she changing? Getting into drugs and sex or something. Getting into violent vieo games. Swearing a lot. Yes, if she asks to come she can come. My child is not at danger and I have myself been around all kinds of people who lack boundaries or are weird, perhaps I even feel a little uncomfortable around them because I don't approve of them or because I cringe for them, but I was generous and understanding and tolerant; it doesn't hurt me at all to be so so why wouldn't? And this is such a small thing - a girl your daughter isn't fond of wants to come to your halloween party.

Lying to her parents
Vaping
Stealing
Bullying
Racist
Drugs
Promiscuous
Cursing and making for of the host-parents
Using peer pressure on your kid to engage in things she doesn’t want to
Cheating

You’re sacrificing your own kid and her boundaries for a bad cause.

[Anonymous]

DD is 10 and told me this year she wanted to trick or treat with friends. I told her that was fine and encouraged her to start making plans in early October. She and one other girl settled on pizza at our house ahead of time and then trick or treating. It was exactly what she wanted and she had a great time. Along the way they picked up a third girl and ended the night at her house.

Next year, encourage your daughter to start talking about trick or treating early.