Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are we not able to teach our kids a little self reliance? Disappointment handling is a trait.

Are we not able to teach our kids to be nice and inclusive?

+1. But I guess that’s hard when they have parents who aren’t. I can’t believe how callous and unkind some of the comments on this thread are, especially because we’re taking about children. Truly disheartening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's trick or treating OUTSIDE - not IN your house. Geesh!
There're a lot of mean people on this board.

Most often a group of 15 splits into two or three groups.

Extend an invitation on Halloween.

#Benice

OR, encourage your child to host her own event, and extend the invitations herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

The YOU host!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's trick or treating OUTSIDE - not IN your house. Geesh!
There're a lot of mean people on this board.

Most often a group of 15 splits into two or three groups.

Extend an invitation on Halloween.

#Benice

Uh, no they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

The YOU host!

They are outside trick or treating. There is nothing to host!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

The YOU host!

They are outside trick or treating. There is nothing to host!

Many of us host Halloween parties. Our kids are trick or treating with groups that are invited to the house before or after, for bingo and pizza and beer for the parents. It’s not just a matter of trick or treating, there’s more to it than that, and OP doesn’t know what those other tweens are doing both with the friends and parents.

[Anonymous]

The kids (and their parents) can be awful snobs about kids coming into a school from another neighborhood. It’s ridiculous but there it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Many struggle to have one friend. What you suggest is unattainable for many kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

The YOU host!

They are outside trick or treating. There is nothing to host!

Many of us host Halloween parties. Our kids are trick or treating with groups that are invited to the house before or after, for bingo and pizza and beer for the parents. It’s not just a matter of trick or treating, there’s more to it than that, and OP doesn’t know what those other tweens are doing both with the friends and parents.

DP. Aww so it’s all about you. You could easily say we’re having dinner here before but the kids are going out trick-or-treating at seven or so and you’re welcome to come and meet at the house then. Come on. You’re just making excuses and trying to legitimize your mean behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Many of us host Halloween parties. Our kids are trick or treating with groups that are invited to the house before or after, for bingo and pizza and beer for the parents. It’s not just a matter of trick or treating, there’s more to it than that, and OP doesn’t know what those other tweens are doing both with the friends and parents.

I think this is the question, and for OP, the disconnect between her, her DD and the group. Is it a family party that involves trick or treating, or is it just kids getting together to go trick or treating? If it's just trick or treating I think DD can ask to go along. If it's a party that kids and parents and siblings are all going to together then I think you can't ask to be invited.

It sounds to me like OP's child IS friends with these girls, but that OP is not friends with the parents, and the parents aren't interested in more friends. 10/11 is a weird age where families are in transition from parent-led planning to kid-led planning. OP's DD shouldn't not be friends with these kids because their parents don't want to be friends with OP, and OP shouldn't need to be friends with the parents in order for her kid to go along trick or treating. But kids this age are just starting to make their own plans and are still pretty self-centered and oblivious to others. So I think OP's DD would be fine to say she'd like to come, would that be OK. And if the answer is "this is a party my parents decided who's coming" then that's the answer.

It's theoretically possible that they don't want to be friends with DD, but if that's the case they would be declining invitations by OP too, not coming over for play dates and festive fun at OP's house but never inviting. If they respond well to OP's invitations but never reciprocate, then I think it's a problem with the adults, not the kids. Kids spend a lot of time with their friends at school. They can be really good school friends and still not see each other much outside of school unless the parents arrange it. I think this is going to work itself out for OP as her DD transitions even more to kids making their own plans with who they want and the parents being less involved all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.[/qouote]

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

The YOU host!

They are outside trick or treating. There is nothing to host!

Many of us host Halloween parties. Our kids are trick or treating with groups that are invited to the house before or after, for bingo and pizza and beer for the parents. It’s not just a matter of trick or treating, there’s more to it than that, and OP doesn’t know what those other tweens are doing both with the friends and parents.

DP. Aww so it’s all about you. You could easily say we’re having dinner here before but the kids are going out trick-or-treating at seven or so and you’re welcome to come and meet at the house then. Come on. You’re just making excuses and trying to legitimize your mean behavior.

Different poster: this is terrible advice. The kid uninvited to dinner will know about the dinner or at least there is a good chance she will find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Many of us host Halloween parties. Our kids are trick or treating with groups that are invited to the house before or after, for bingo and pizza and beer for the parents. It’s not just a matter of trick or treating, there’s more to it than that, and OP doesn’t know what those other tweens are doing both with the friends and parents.

I think this is the question, and for OP, the disconnect between her, her DD and the group. Is it a family party that involves trick or treating, or is it just kids getting together to go trick or treating? If it's just trick or treating I think DD can ask to go along. If it's a party that kids and parents and siblings are all going to together then I think you can't ask to be invited.

It sounds to me like OP's child IS friends with these girls, but that OP is not friends with the parents, and the parents aren't interested in more friends. 10/11 is a weird age where families are in transition from parent-led planning to kid-led planning. OP's DD shouldn't not be friends with these kids because their parents don't want to be friends with OP, and OP shouldn't need to be friends with the parents in order for her kid to go along trick or treating. But kids this age are just starting to make their own plans and are still pretty self-centered and oblivious to others. So I think OP's DD would be fine to say she'd like to come, would that be OK. And if the answer is "this is a party my parents decided who's coming" then that's the answer.

It's theoretically possible that they don't want to be friends with DD, but if that's the case they would be declining invitations by OP too, not coming over for play dates and festive fun at OP's house but never inviting. If they respond well to OP's invitations but never reciprocate, then I think it's a problem with the adults, not the kids. Kids spend a lot of time with their friends at school. They can be really good school friends and still not see each other much outside of school unless the parents arrange it. I think this is going to work itself out for OP as her DD transitions even more to kids making their own plans with who they want and the parents being less involved all around.

No, it’s not okay to ask to join a group you weren’t invited to if you know it’s already a group that’s formed and you weren’t invited to be a part of.

Okay: 10/1/19 “what are you going as for Halloween? Want to go together?”

Not okay when you already know a group of kids already have plans to go together and you weren’t asked: “what are you going as for Halloween? Want to go together?”

[Anonymous]

I would assume you were going trick or treating in your neighborhood. Actually, I wouldn’t even think about it. We just got with other kids in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

You sound like a nightmare.
You're most definitely the clique mom.

Yep. The type who OVERcomplicates the least complicated things possible. Just let the kids have fun dressing up and trick or treating on Halloween. Why you have to have a rigid headcount for something so simple is beyond me. Relax!

The YOU host!

They are outside trick or treating. There is nothing to host!

Many of us host Halloween parties. Our kids are trick or treating with groups that are invited to the house before or after, for bingo and pizza and beer for the parents. It’s not just a matter of trick or treating, there’s more to it than that, and OP doesn’t know what those other tweens are doing both with the friends and parents.

DP. Aww so it’s all about you. You could easily say we’re having dinner here before but the kids are going out trick-or-treating at seven or so and you’re welcome to come and meet at the house then. Come on. You’re just making excuses and trying to legitimize your mean behavior.

That's a rude as inviting someone to the wedding reception but not the ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal

That’s life, though. A hard lesson but that’s the way it is. Not sad really, just disappointing. And your daughter is probably included and doesn’t have this issue. We are talking about something your kid was not included to. In the above, how many extra kids should be included? Do you invite everyone every time? I’ve learned to trust my kids if they don’t want someone there. In our cases, it’s been because the uninvited kid is bullying someone in the group, isn’t that nice (one used derogatory language about others), one lies, etc. I don’t push friendships even when they were there before. In any event, your kid leaning disappointment is part of life.

Doesn't have to be a hard lesson if you have nice people around you. Its trick or treating, not a formal event. Luckily my kids' friends appear to be a bit more kind.

Your kid is invited to every other kid’s bday party, pool outing, movie, etc? You make it sound like it is cruel to exclude anyone. It’s life. This is just a blip. I know, I know, thank God your kid has “nice” friends. Should we include kids my kids have an issue with? Example- a kid my kid has been friendly with started changing in 7th grade. My kid is uncomfortable around her. She’s friendly still but doesn’t want her over. Should we include her?

If she asks to come, yes. Never in a million years would I say no to someone who asked to come. Even if I don't like her that much. It's kindness.