Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

Not sure how old the tween is, but telling a group that’s already formed and has set plans that you (dd) wants to join can be setting her up for a lot of hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how old the tween is, but telling a group that’s already formed and has set plans that you (dd) wants to join can be setting her up for a lot of hurt.

These girls are her friends, though. I sort of doubt that they would have a problem with their good friend joining them to trick or treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how old the tween is, but telling a group that’s already formed and has set plans that you (dd) wants to join can be setting her up for a lot of hurt.

These girls are her friends, though. I sort of doubt that they would have a problem with their good friend joining them to trick or treat.

Still...I’d be very careful. We have both invited and been invited to Halloween get together a for trick or treating. By the tween age, it may or may not be okay to ask to go. Are they doing a dinner beforehand? Are they only trick or treating? How often are there play dates (how recent)? One year, my tween went with a group and one girl wasn’t included because the mom who organized it (per my kid) didn’t like some of the language she’d been using and (per my kid) had started some kind of a rumor - and it was the mon’s way of trying to have her daughter be distanced from it. Another year, my tween went with a group that had gone to fields of fear together and they were replicating that same group -(I didn’t organize that one either). In either case, it’s awkward to ask if you can join a group that’s already formed. I agree, it might be fine and an honest oversight. But it is at least possible that it wasn’t.

[Anonymous]

Just a quick note: this was my ds's experience in middle school. By high school, and specifically by senior year, he had plenty of close friends. I felt bad for him as a 12-14 year old but it turned out totally fine. I say this because I tend to worry about where things are heading--but in our case, it was simply that middle school can suck. No lasting damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how old the tween is, but telling a group that’s already formed and has set plans that you (dd) wants to join can be setting her up for a lot of hurt.

These girls are her friends, though. I sort of doubt that they would have a problem with their good friend joining them to trick or treat.

Still...I’d be very careful. We have both invited and been invited to Halloween get together a for trick or treating. By the tween age, it may or may not be okay to ask to go. Are they doing a dinner beforehand? Are they only trick or treating? How often are there play dates (how recent)? One year, my tween went with a group and one girl wasn’t included because the mom who organized it (per my kid) didn’t like some of the language she’d been using and (per my kid) had started some kind of a rumor - and it was the mon’s way of trying to have her daughter be distanced from it. Another year, my tween went with a group that had gone to fields of fear together and they were replicating that same group -(I didn’t organize that one either). In either case, it’s awkward to ask if you can join a group that’s already formed. I agree, it might be fine and an honest oversight. But it is at least possible that it wasn’t.

I agree. I feel like by the tween age, she should start to have the discretion not to ask to join. She can certainly make hints (what are you doing for trick or treating? I don't have plans) and hope they think to invite/incude her when they hear that she has no plans.

[Anonymous]

My kid has the same issue (we don't live in the neighborhood of her friends). Last year, she tried to go out with some friends, but it didn't pan out since it was kind of last minute and most had plans with family. She was really disappointed, but I tried to minimize it. I don't get involved. I always tell her I'll take her anywhere she needs to go, but she is in charge of setting up plans with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure how old the tween is, but telling a group that’s already formed and has set plans that you (dd) wants to join can be setting her up for a lot of hurt.

+1

OP, please, don’t do it.

Keep looking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people trick or treat in their neighborhood for convenience’s sake. I don’t think they mean to exclude, probably just assuming you have plans in your ‘hood. Why don’t you text one of the parents and say “Mind if we join you? Daughter would love to trick or treat with the other kids.”

This is a fine plan, though at 11, the kid should ask for herself.

[Anonymous]

I am hearing there is a lot of angst with being the kid doing the asking others ronget together at this age. My DD really seems to prefer her new friends at middle school but is reluctant to ask them to get together for trick or treat
Or any other activities at this point. She does not have that anxiety about long standing friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has the same issue (we don't live in the neighborhood of her friends). I don't get involved. I always tell her I'll take her anywhere she needs to go, but she is in charge of setting up plans with friends.

This is also us. We don't live in a (walk-able) neighborhood, I ask my tweens to set up their trick-treating plans with friends weeks in advance. Otherwise, they know they'll be stuck trick treating with us.

[Anonymous]

We have a family in the neighborhood that does a pre-trick-or-treat haunted house. Some of the neighborhood kids are invited, but not all (including us), so kids who are invited and aren’t invited have to coordinate how to meet up at this house after the haunted pre-party. Upper Elementary and middle ages. People are jerks. Or at least these parents sure are. We’re skipping the nonsense all together this year and taking our kids to another neighborhood because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a quick note: this was my ds's experience in middle school. By high school, and specifically by senior year, he had plenty of close friends. I felt bad for him as a 12-14 year old but it turned out totally fine. I say this because I tend to worry about where things are heading--but in our case, it was simply that middle school can suck. No lasting damage.

Thanks for saying this! You are right.

[Anonymous]

OP my son switched schools this year and has no one to trick or treat with. He's a little older though 13 so instead he's going to a friends house to help hand out candy :0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Immersion? Could there be other kids in the same boat? I agree with pp that communicating with her friends is best, but if that doesn’t work out, invite a classmate in the same situation to your neighborhood.

We have. But they always seem to be busy with other activities. I’m tired of asking all the time. I feel like just fading into oblivion. I’m just trying to help my daughter. But they don’t care.

OP, don’t fade into oblivion. Keep at it, since you’re doing it for your daughter. It’s only a few more years until she’s off to college, and long before that she’ll be in charge of her social life. But for now, keep being her backer! You’re not alone in having to worry about this stuff. And encourage her to ask a couple of the girls she’s closest to if she can join them. And then arrange for her to meet one of them at their house, to go on to join the group together. Let us know how it works out.

[Anonymous]

If my tween and her friends are any indication, Halloween planning has been pretty haphazard. If these are her friends and they’re all going together, I think it’s fine for your daughter to ask to join. Other PPs are right that this could set her up for an awkward situation if they really don’t want to her join in, but more likely she has not been excluded intentionally.