Tween not invited by friends to trick or treat

[Anonymous]

This is just how friendships are - both as teens and adults. You don't get invited to every event every time. It is perfectly fine for kids to just get together with one friend or a couple friends or a small group. The idea that you can only socialize if you invite every friend you have is ridiculous. It doesn't make someone a bad friend for not inviting all friends. And as the parent, I often say - you can invite 1 friend or 2 friends etc.

Trick or treating is a pretty local, neighborhood type activity. I wouldn't think to invite kids from another neighborhood as I would assume they were trick or treating in their own neighborhood. Also cars only have x number of seats so that is a consideration in what we are doing. I also don't want to turn some small thing into a major organizational / planning required event with a caravan of cars and needing to have a dozen kids meet up. Also some parents are more relaxing and fun to hang out with if it is something where other parents are involved too.

My kids learn they aren't going to be invited to everything either. That is life and it isn't a bad thing. If my kid ever got upset that they weren't invited - I would be pretty upset. What kind of ego do you have to think that every friend's world has to revolve around and include you. It is not exclusion to not have every friend invited to everything you do. It doesn't mean you aren't friends or aren't good friends - it is actually how healthy friendships work.

[Anonymous]

At 11 you have to guard against you, the parent, being too emotionally invested, or at least showing it. DD will do better if this doesn't also involve Mom's feelings.

[Anonymous]

It's weekday Halloween and will be rainy with possible storms. Honestly it is not worth the effort. Stay local so you can go home if lightening starts. There are plenty of fun things to do with friends on the weekends. TOTing should be no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live out of bounds for the school my kid goes to. So to create friendships over the years I’ve arranged play dates, help start a club at school, and been really nice to all the parents. But we never get any play date invites in return. And now my 11 year old is devestated that her friends are going trick or treating in their neighborhood and talking about all the fun they will have, without thinking of inviting her. It hurts for all of us because we’ve always been the family offering things to her group of friends, and doing the inviting. And yet, they ignore us/her. Why is this? I know we don’t live in their neighborhood, but we aren’t that far away, and it just sucks how despite knowing these families for years, we are not thought of. They stay in their little clicks and don’t let anyone else in, no matter how hard we try. We even found out a group of them is going to an event together, and despite the people in that group being my child’s friends, no one let us know about it or invited us. It’s a very painful situation. Just venting.

All the bolded above points to the fact that these girls aren’t your DD’s friends. Maybe you are coming up with the “neighborhood excuse” because you are in denial. It appears that their exclusion of her has happened over and over. They may be nice at school but your DD is not on their radar at all for this to have happened repeatedly.

Do not try to join up with them and do not reach out to any of the mothers. That would be social suicide for your daughter. It’s time to end the pain cycle and encourage your daughter to make new friends who are actually real friends to her. Real friends do not do exclude you time and time again! My daughter went through this too and once she finally gave up trying to push into a group she ended up making true friends. It’s a painful process and takes time. Hang in there.

+1

No, not really. At 11, moms are still making plenty of plans and kids are still going along with them. Given that the girls are all friends, and there is a core group going together, I would be that the moms made the arrangements and just informed their daughters.

I have found the kids that truly make and keep their own plans in the early tween and teen years are the exception not the rule and that most of the planning and execution is still driven by the parents and that can mean that some kids still get invited who are not part of the core group anymore because the moms are still friends.

[Anonymous]

Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it’s fine to check in with one of the moms about Halloween. This is not an exclusive party, it’s walking around in public. “Hey Jill, we’re trying to figure out Halloween plans. Larla would love to trick or treat with her friends. Do you guys have plans yet?”

Other mom can invite your daughter to join or not.

My experience is that few parents look out for kids besides their own. The primary exception is when they are friends with the other parents. At our school (AAP center in FCPS), the parents, for the most part, aren’t really friends with each other, and the kids have limited social plans.

Don’t do this. It’s no more or less awkward than asking someone who you know was invited to a bday party and is going, “Do you have plans Sat.” The mom will either respond saying she already has plans (which you know) or will ignore til she can talk to her kid about it after school. It purposefully puts the other mom in a very uncomfortable position. Why would you do that?

If you would take offense at such a question, that is more a negative reflection on you.

And if the other mom does dismiss a FRIEND of her child's, then I would have more than enough information to know how to proceed with this person going forward. This happened recently - the details aren't important- but I now know that a child I used to have over, take places, schlep hither and yonder for her parents will not be getting that treatment from me going forward based on something similar. This kid was (is - I've not relayed any of this to my child) a friend. So was the mom, so I thought. But she responded in a similar, exclusive fashion about an event. Nope. We're done.

Huh? The only direct response I said was the mom would say she has plans already. That’s the answer that tells you the relationship is over? Yeesh

[Anonymous]

You don’t ask someone if they have plans (and/or if can your kid join in) when you already know the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

[Anonymous]

It’s okay for kids to be disappointed and learn to navigate these types of social situations on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

[Anonymous]

Why can't she go with her neighborhood friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she go with her neighborhood friends?

Because she doesn’t want to
Because she’s holding out, hoping for a different invite
Mom didn’t plan it
She wasn’t invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live out of bounds for the school my kid goes to. So to create friendships over the years I’ve arranged play dates, help start a club at school, and been really nice to all the parents. But we never get any play date invites in return. And now my 11 year old is devestated that her friends are going trick or treating in their neighborhood and talking about all the fun they will have, without thinking of inviting her. It hurts for all of us because we’ve always been the family offering things to her group of friends, and doing the inviting. And yet, they ignore us/her. Why is this? I know we don’t live in their neighborhood, but we aren’t that far away, and it just sucks how despite knowing these families for years, we are not thought of. They stay in their little clicks and don’t let anyone else in, no matter how hard we try. We even found out a group of them is going to an event together, and despite the people in that group being my child’s friends, no one let us know about it or invited us. It’s a very painful situation. Just venting.

All the bolded above points to the fact that these girls aren’t your DD’s friends. Maybe you are coming up with the “neighborhood excuse” because you are in denial. It appears that their exclusion of her has happened over and over. They may be nice at school but your DD is not on their radar at all for this to have happened repeatedly.

Do not try to join up with them and do not reach out to any of the mothers. That would be social suicide for your daughter. It’s time to end the pain cycle and encourage your daughter to make new friends who are actually real friends to her. Real friends do not do exclude you time and time again! My daughter went through this too and once she finally gave up trying to push into a group she ended up making true friends. It’s a painful process and takes time. Hang in there.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

op, your dd needs groups of friends - more than school friends. Work on that for her. ALL kids should have multiple groups of friends before they hit teen years because that way is one group starts having sex or doing drugs or just implodes, they don't get swept up in it because they have no other options socially.

Work on this for your dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she only have one group of friends? She should have school friends, neighborhood friends, camp friends, friends from different after-school activities, etc.

And why can't she just say "Hey can I come?" to her school friends? Teach her not to stand on ceremony, and to expect the best. Maybe they just figured she'd want to do stuff in her own neighborhood.

Uh no, it's actually poor social skills to invite yourself along. Sometimes friends need breaks from eachother or they just prefer to keep things simple and go with neighbors.

Exactly. It is terrible advice to ask your kid to insert herself where she wasn't invited and to "expect the best." Tweens aren't excluding someone because they have the foresight to think she is doing something in her own neighborhood. We are hosting a halloween get together for our kids and certain friends but because all my kids got to invite friends, we can't invite everyone, so they picked kids to invite. From here, they will trick or treat. Them's the breaks. One kid asked my kid if she could come but she could not (my kid did not want her there) and it was very awkward for her. She tried to be polite and explained it away as a non hurtful excuse but the kid didn't get it and kept saying she didn't mind, etc. This isn't like a birthday party at home where I can say the more the merrier. We have finite space and are doing a quick dinner here before the kids go out.

So sad. My DD and her friends are all very inclusive. They CAN invite themselves along and it’s no big deal