How to kindly turn down hocom ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

She could also throw in a “but I’m really flattered you asked.” Softens the blow a bit

Is she flattered, OP? Then why lie? What are you teaching your boys and girls??!

OMG, get a grip. Of course it’s flattering to be asked, regardless of your gender. Why on earth are you so hostile?

DP It isn't flattering if you don't like the boy! Or girl

He might just be asking her because they’re friends - plenty of kids go with a date who is just a friend. At any rate, of course it’s nice when someone thinks highly enough to invite you to a dance (or anywhere). Why are you determined to make the person asking look and feel like an idiot? Would your advice be the same if a girl invited the boy and he didn’t want to go with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

No. No is not a complete sentence. It is a simple interjection or declarative. Sentences have both a subject and a predicate. The shortest sentence is English is “I am.” As in, “ I am sorry you are a moron who failed English and still wonder why you were never asked on a date.”

The following can all be answered with "No."

Is it raining out?
Are you going to the movie tomorrow?
Did you like the movie?
Can you pick up that rock?
WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING WITH ME?

DP. You are correct, all of those questions can be answered with "No." That means that "No" is a complete answer. It does not mean that "No" is a complete sentence.

I can’t even imagine declining an invitation - regardless of the occasion or gender - by simply saying “No”. How incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

Way too long-winded and he doesn't need to know who she would have preferred to go with. A simple, "Thank you for asking me, but I won't be able to go with you" is enough. If he asks why, then she can say "I don't think we like each other the same way."

Disagree because it's smart for her say who she is going with, because "Jack" also asked her and she is going with him. So saying this is a little awkward, but it avoids the bigger awkward moment for both of these kids when "Larlo" sees her at the dance with Jack. Larlo will already know and won't be surprised, and she won't be worried about what Larlo will do when he sees her with Jack. It just makes the homecoming night involve less surprises.

It's just easing the situation.

She is not responsible for the surprise of Larlo.

OMG you are so insufferable. No one said she was *responsible* for the surprise of Larlo. No one said she MUST do any of these things. But if she does these things, she is helping control the situation. Helping to make it go better--for HER. It's self-serving in a healthy way, AND as a bonus, it's a nice thing to do for the boy's sake. You act like this boy is an aggressor or adversary. He likes her, that is no crime. And maybe, just maybe, PP, he likes her because she is NICE which is more than can be said for you. You are so wrapped up in the rights argument you don't see either the argument to be kind to others, or the argument to help make the situation better for her. You are actually arguing that she say "no," then be passive! You are arguing she *should* be passive because she has a right to be passive.

I say take control and get everyone on the same page. Name the elephant in the room and it goes away.

Well said! There are some here (or maybe just one a$$hole) who are hellbent in turning this into some sort of antagonistic situation when it should be anything but. The girl (or whomever is being invited) has the opportunity to make this as painless as possible for the person doing the asking. Any good parent would want their child to know how to be friendly and kind when declining an invitation. There’s no need to be an abrupt, rude jerk, even if their parent is one.

Your problem is that you consider 'Thanks, but not thanks, I have other plans' as rude. IMO that is not rude, even if my child were on the receiving end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

She could also throw in a “but I’m really flattered you asked.” Softens the blow a bit

Is she flattered, OP? Then why lie? What are you teaching your boys and girls??!

OMG, get a grip. Of course it’s flattering to be asked, regardless of your gender. Why on earth are you so hostile?

DP It isn't flattering if you don't like the boy! Or girl

He might just be asking her because they’re friends - plenty of kids go with a date who is just a friend. At any rate, of course it’s nice when someone thinks highly enough to invite you to a dance (or anywhere). Why are you determined to make the person asking look and feel like an idiot? Would your advice be the same if a girl invited the boy and he didn’t want to go with her?

OP has already said that they are not friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

Way too long-winded and he doesn't need to know who she would have preferred to go with. A simple, "Thank you for asking me, but I won't be able to go with you" is enough. If he asks why, then she can say "I don't think we like each other the same way."

Disagree because it's smart for her say who she is going with, because "Jack" also asked her and she is going with him. So saying this is a little awkward, but it avoids the bigger awkward moment for both of these kids when "Larlo" sees her at the dance with Jack. Larlo will already know and won't be surprised, and she won't be worried about what Larlo will do when he sees her with Jack. It just makes the homecoming night involve less surprises.

It's just easing the situation.

She is not responsible for the surprise of Larlo.

OMG you are so insufferable. No one said she was *responsible* for the surprise of Larlo. No one said she MUST do any of these things. But if she does these things, she is helping control the situation. Helping to make it go better--for HER. It's self-serving in a healthy way, AND as a bonus, it's a nice thing to do for the boy's sake. You act like this boy is an aggressor or adversary. He likes her, that is no crime. And maybe, just maybe, PP, he likes her because she is NICE which is more than can be said for you. You are so wrapped up in the rights argument you don't see either the argument to be kind to others, or the argument to help make the situation better for her. You are actually arguing that she say "no," then be passive! You are arguing she *should* be passive because she has a right to be passive.

I say take control and get everyone on the same page. Name the elephant in the room and it goes away.

Well said! There are some here (or maybe just one a$$hole) who are hellbent in turning this into some sort of antagonistic situation when it should be anything but. The girl (or whomever is being invited) has the opportunity to make this as painless as possible for the person doing the asking. Any good parent would want their child to know how to be friendly and kind when declining an invitation. There’s no need to be an abrupt, rude jerk, even if their parent is one.

Your problem is that you consider 'Thanks, but not thanks, I have other plans' as rude. IMO that is not rude, even if my child were on the receiving end.

That’s not at all what we were reacting to, and had you read the entire thread, you would know that. Some posters insist all you have to say is a flat “No” when declining an invitation. The rest of us were saying you should at least say something kind and friendly along with the “no”. “Thank so much for asking but I have plans already” is fine to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

Protecting herself? A high school boy asked her to a dance.

[Anonymous]

Op has said they’re not friends.

The girl has already said no once, they have no relationship to speak of, friendly or not, so the boy has no reason to expect a yes.

“No thank you” simply isn’t rude. We need to teach our kids they don’t have to manage other’s feelings. How many threads on the relationship board or the family board are talking about putting all the feelings and communication bs for the whole family onto the wife, and how can she fix that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

Protecting herself? A high school boy asked her to a dance.

+100
PP exemplifies gross overreaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. You women are harsh. This is high school for goodness sake. Be honest, be kind. It’s tough being a teenager. Your advising just “no”? What are are you gonna tell DS Larlo when he comes home after working up the courage to ask and receiving a dismissive “no”. There’s no reason to say “no because I don’t like you that way”.

“No thanks, I’ve already accepted. . . “. If it’s true.

Some of you are going to left gaping at the mouth when DS or DD is treated as you suggest.

+1,000,000
In addition, the boy might just be asking her as a friend - no need to assume he likes her “in that way”. Pretty presumptuous, in fact, considering lots of kids go as platonic couples.

Honestly, while I’d hate to see any kid be treated as rudely as some of these posters are advocating, I do think it would do their parents a world of good to see how hurt their own kids are when rejected rudely. There is a kind, friendly way to decline an invitation.

I have a daughter and a son. I have always taught my daughter to be kind but firm and to take ownership of the “no”. So “no, thank you” or “no, I have other plans” is appropriate. Sometimes followed by a “hey, what do you think of Mr. X’s tests“ if she would like to change the subject and give them both a chance to reestablish their previous footing.

I think the “kind” people who are suggesting talking about her other plans etc are the ones that are more cruel in the long run. And the OP’s daughter who has held on to the invitation for several days without a firm answer - that is far far meaner than a simple”no thank you”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

Way too long-winded and he doesn't need to know who she would have preferred to go with. A simple, "Thank you for asking me, but I won't be able to go with you" is enough. If he asks why, then she can say "I don't think we like each other the same way."

Disagree because it's smart for her say who she is going with, because "Jack" also asked her and she is going with him. So saying this is a little awkward, but it avoids the bigger awkward moment for both of these kids when "Larlo" sees her at the dance with Jack. Larlo will already know and won't be surprised, and she won't be worried about what Larlo will do when he sees her with Jack. It just makes the homecoming night involve less surprises.

It's just easing the situation.

She is not responsible for the surprise of Larlo.

OMG you are so insufferable. No one said she was *responsible* for the surprise of Larlo. No one said she MUST do any of these things. But if she does these things, she is helping control the situation. Helping to make it go better--for HER. It's self-serving in a healthy way, AND as a bonus, it's a nice thing to do for the boy's sake. You act like this boy is an aggressor or adversary. He likes her, that is no crime. And maybe, just maybe, PP, he likes her because she is NICE which is more than can be said for you. You are so wrapped up in the rights argument you don't see either the argument to be kind to others, or the argument to help make the situation better for her. You are actually arguing that she say "no," then be passive! You are arguing she *should* be passive because she has a right to be passive.

I say take control and get everyone on the same page. Name the elephant in the room and it goes away.

Well said! There are some here (or maybe just one a$$hole) who are hellbent in turning this into some sort of antagonistic situation when it should be anything but. The girl (or whomever is being invited) has the opportunity to make this as painless as possible for the person doing the asking. Any good parent would want their child to know how to be friendly and kind when declining an invitation. There’s no need to be an abrupt, rude jerk, even if their parent is one.

Are you seriously suggesting that telling this boy that he was back up if things didn’t work out with Jack is kinder and more socially adept than “no thanks”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

No. No is not a complete sentence. It is a simple interjection or declarative. Sentences have both a subject and a predicate. The shortest sentence is English is “I am.” As in, “ I am sorry you are a moron who failed English and still wonder why you were never asked on a date.”

The following can all be answered with "No."

Is it raining out?
Are you going to the movie tomorrow?
Did you like the movie?
Can you pick up that rock?
WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING WITH ME?

DP. You are correct, all of those questions can be answered with "No." That means that "No" is a complete answer. It does not mean that "No" is a complete sentence.

I can’t even imagine declining an invitation - regardless of the occasion or gender - by simply saying “No”. How incredibly rude.

+1. Pp, is that how you decline all invites?

[Anonymous]

Why do you all think that boys (and a senior, no less) are clueless? They accept a kind no and move on. Most stay friends anyway.

I'm more concerned that OPs senior girl isn't mature enough to know how to decline graciously.

You've painted boys with a broad brush. They're not all entitled Brett's or incels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. You women are harsh. This is high school for goodness sake. Be honest, be kind. It’s tough being a teenager. Your advising just “no”? What are are you gonna tell DS Larlo when he comes home after working up the courage to ask and receiving a dismissive “no”. There’s no reason to say “no because I don’t like you that way”.

“No thanks, I’ve already accepted. . . “. If it’s true.

Some of you are going to left gaping at the mouth when DS or DD is treated as you suggest.

+1,000,000
In addition, the boy might just be asking her as a friend - no need to assume he likes her “in that way”. Pretty presumptuous, in fact, considering lots of kids go as platonic couples.

Honestly, while I’d hate to see any kid be treated as rudely as some of these posters are advocating, I do think it would do their parents a world of good to see how hurt their own kids are when rejected rudely. There is a kind, friendly way to decline an invitation.

I have a daughter and a son. I have always taught my daughter to be kind but firm and to take ownership of the “no”. So “no, thank you” or “no, I have other plans” is appropriate. Sometimes followed by a “hey, what do you think of Mr. X’s tests“ if she would like to change the subject and give them both a chance to reestablish their previous footing.

I think the “kind” people who are suggesting talking about her other plans etc are the ones that are more cruel in the long run. And the OP’s daughter who has held on to the invitation for several days without a firm answer - that is far far meaner than a simple”no thank you”.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hocom ask?” Speak like an adult. You sound ridiculous.

Correcting other peoples' casual speak - more ridiculous. Find a hobby.

The problem is that the meaning isn’t immediately clear. I had to click through to see what this thread was about. I’ve never heard homecoming shortened to “hocom”. Autocorrect certainly isn’t recognizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hocom ask?” Speak like an adult. You sound ridiculous.

Correcting other peoples' casual speak - more ridiculous. Find a hobby.

The problem is that the meaning isn’t immediately clear. I had to click through to see what this thread was about. I’ve never heard homecoming shortened to “hocom”. Autocorrect certainly isn’t recognizing it.

Sometimes people aren’t clear in their titles. It happens. You can skip it if you feel like it might not apply to you or if it bothers you. She made clear what she meant in the first sentence of the OP. I’d never seen it before either, but it wasn't particularly difficult to imagine she meant homecoming.