How to kindly turn down hocom ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

No. No is not a complete sentence. It is a simple interjection or declarative. Sentences have both a subject and a predicate. The shortest sentence is English is “I am.” As in, “ I am sorry you are a moron who failed English and still wonder why you were never asked on a date.”

The following can all be answered with "No."

Is it raining out?
Are you going to the movie tomorrow?
Did you like the movie?
Can you pick up that rock?
WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING WITH ME?

If that were the case, the answering person would be a total dick. I suppose if it is your goal to be perceived that way, you should carry on.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

+1

-1
Do either of you have emotional issues? Because this is such a bizarre, offensive way of looking at this completely benign situation. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. You women are harsh. This is high school for goodness sake. Be honest, be kind. It’s tough being a teenager. Your advising just “no”? What are are you gonna tell DS Larlo when he comes home after working up the courage to ask and receiving a dismissive “no”. There’s no reason to say “no because I don’t like you that way”.

“No thanks, I’ve already accepted. . . “. If it’s true.

Some of you are going to left gaping at the mouth when DS or DD is treated as you suggest.

+1,000,000
In addition, the boy might just be asking her as a friend - no need to assume he likes her “in that way”. Pretty presumptuous, in fact, considering lots of kids go as platonic couples.

Honestly, while I’d hate to see any kid be treated as rudely as some of these posters are advocating, I do think it would do their parents a world of good to see how hurt their own kids are when rejected rudely. There is a kind, friendly way to decline an invitation.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't lie. If she is making other plans, she can say so, but don't lie about having a date. "No, but thank you for thinking of me," is a perfectly acceptable answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

She could also throw in a “but I’m really flattered you asked.” Softens the blow a bit

Is she flattered, OP? Then why lie? What are you teaching your boys and girls??!

OMG, get a grip. Of course it’s flattering to be asked, regardless of your gender. Why on earth are you so hostile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

2 fairly casual asks in 2 years is not exactly stalking - there really is no need for hostility.

Precisely. I guess asking twice in two years means this guy should be reported to the counselor and maybe required to take sexual harassment training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

2 fairly casual asks in 2 years is not exactly stalking - there really is no need for hostility.

Well, there are women out here making such a huge deal about a boy putting himself out there. If its a fairly casual ask, then a fairly casual no thanks should suffice.

Well when your teen asks to sit next to someone at lunch and the person respond no thanks, let us know how that fairly casual response goes over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. You women are harsh. This is high school for goodness sake. Be honest, be kind. It’s tough being a teenager. Your advising just “no”? What are are you gonna tell DS Larlo when he comes home after working up the courage to ask and receiving a dismissive “no”. There’s no reason to say “no because I don’t like you that way”.

“No thanks, I’ve already accepted. . . “. If it’s true.

Some of you are going to left gaping at the mouth when DS or DD is treated as you suggest.

+1,000,000
In addition, the boy might just be asking her as a friend - no need to assume he likes her “in that way”. Pretty presumptuous, in fact, considering lots of kids go as platonic couples.

Honestly, while I’d hate to see any kid be treated as rudely as some of these posters are advocating, I do think it would do their parents a world of good to see how hurt their own kids are when rejected rudely. There is a kind, friendly way to decline an invitation.

I'd tell my son to move on from it, and ask what his Plan B is. This isn't that big a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

Way too long-winded and he doesn't need to know who she would have preferred to go with. A simple, "Thank you for asking me, but I won't be able to go with you" is enough. If he asks why, then she can say "I don't think we like each other the same way."

Disagree because it's smart for her say who she is going with, because "Jack" also asked her and she is going with him. So saying this is a little awkward, but it avoids the bigger awkward moment for both of these kids when "Larlo" sees her at the dance with Jack. Larlo will already know and won't be surprised, and she won't be worried about what Larlo will do when he sees her with Jack. It just makes the homecoming night involve less surprises.

It's just easing the situation.

She is not responsible for the surprise of Larlo.

OMG you are so insufferable. No one said she was *responsible* for the surprise of Larlo. No one said she MUST do any of these things. But if she does these things, she is helping control the situation. Helping to make it go better--for HER. It's self-serving in a healthy way, AND as a bonus, it's a nice thing to do for the boy's sake. You act like this boy is an aggressor or adversary. He likes her, that is no crime. And maybe, just maybe, PP, he likes her because she is NICE which is more than can be said for you. You are so wrapped up in the rights argument you don't see either the argument to be kind to others, or the argument to help make the situation better for her. You are actually arguing that she say "no," then be passive! You are arguing she *should* be passive because she has a right to be passive.

I say take control and get everyone on the same page. Name the elephant in the room and it goes away.

[Anonymous]

I found saying I’m trying to figure out which of my friends I can set you up with is a kind way of saying I am not interested in dating you. Let’s everyone save some face in these vague situations when it is not clear if they are asking as a friend or something more. Gives them the message you are not interested in dating them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

DP no way would a teenager say the bolded and no way would I encourage my dd to say " I know it's awkward but I appreciate you asking me" That does not make any sense. OP's dd does NOT appreciate being asked because she does not like the boy. I think if she said that he would be confused and want to keep asking. People keep saying it is difficult to ask and the dd should be polite but, honestly that is not the dd's problem. I think it is ok to say "I'm not interested because then the boy can move on"

I think this boy will be able to handle it. Why are you all babying him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

She could also throw in a “but I’m really flattered you asked.” Softens the blow a bit

Is she flattered, OP? Then why lie? What are you teaching your boys and girls??!

OMG, get a grip. Of course it’s flattering to be asked, regardless of your gender. Why on earth are you so hostile?

DP It isn't flattering if you don't like the boy! Or girl

[Anonymous]

"It's sweet of you to ask me, but no thank you."

Hopefully, the boy won't follow up with "why not?"

If he does your DD can respond with..."you're really nice but I don't like you that way. I would rather go with someone that I like as more than a friend."
(or go with Susie and Janie, or stay home, fill in the blank with what your DD actually wants to do).

Follow that with a firm "thank you for asking me" then a quick exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

No. No is not a complete sentence. It is a simple interjection or declarative. Sentences have both a subject and a predicate. The shortest sentence is English is “I am.” As in, “ I am sorry you are a moron who failed English and still wonder why you were never asked on a date.”

The following can all be answered with "No."

Is it raining out?
Are you going to the movie tomorrow?
Did you like the movie?
Can you pick up that rock?
WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING WITH ME?

DP. You are correct, all of those questions can be answered with "No." That means that "No" is a complete answer. It does not mean that "No" is a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

Way too long-winded and he doesn't need to know who she would have preferred to go with. A simple, "Thank you for asking me, but I won't be able to go with you" is enough. If he asks why, then she can say "I don't think we like each other the same way."

Disagree because it's smart for her say who she is going with, because "Jack" also asked her and she is going with him. So saying this is a little awkward, but it avoids the bigger awkward moment for both of these kids when "Larlo" sees her at the dance with Jack. Larlo will already know and won't be surprised, and she won't be worried about what Larlo will do when he sees her with Jack. It just makes the homecoming night involve less surprises.

It's just easing the situation.

She is not responsible for the surprise of Larlo.

OMG you are so insufferable. No one said she was *responsible* for the surprise of Larlo. No one said she MUST do any of these things. But if she does these things, she is helping control the situation. Helping to make it go better--for HER. It's self-serving in a healthy way, AND as a bonus, it's a nice thing to do for the boy's sake. You act like this boy is an aggressor or adversary. He likes her, that is no crime. And maybe, just maybe, PP, he likes her because she is NICE which is more than can be said for you. You are so wrapped up in the rights argument you don't see either the argument to be kind to others, or the argument to help make the situation better for her. You are actually arguing that she say "no," then be passive! You are arguing she *should* be passive because she has a right to be passive.

I say take control and get everyone on the same page. Name the elephant in the room and it goes away.

Well said! There are some here (or maybe just one a$$hole) who are hellbent in turning this into some sort of antagonistic situation when it should be anything but. The girl (or whomever is being invited) has the opportunity to make this as painless as possible for the person doing the asking. Any good parent would want their child to know how to be friendly and kind when declining an invitation. There’s no need to be an abrupt, rude jerk, even if their parent is one.