How to kindly turn down hocom ask?

[Anonymous]

Gosh. You women are harsh. This is high school for goodness sake. Be honest, be kind. It’s tough being a teenager. Your advising just “no”? What are are you gonna tell DS Larlo when he comes home after working up the courage to ask and receiving a dismissive “no”. There’s no reason to say “no because I don’t like you that way”.

“No thanks, I’ve already accepted. . . “. If it’s true.

Some of you are going to left gaping at the mouth when DS or DD is treated as you suggest.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh, after reading the responses on this thread, am not surprised there are so many doormat women around.

Being clear in your answer is the kindest response in this situation. So anything more than "No thanks, I have other plans" is just being wishy-washy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

She could also throw in a “but I’m really flattered you asked.” Softens the blow a bit

Is she flattered, OP? Then why lie? What are you teaching your boys and girls??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

You are weird. I would want my kid to get a simple and clear answer, not some BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. You women are harsh. This is high school for goodness sake. Be honest, be kind. It’s tough being a teenager. Your advising just “no”? What are are you gonna tell DS Larlo when he comes home after working up the courage to ask and receiving a dismissive “no”. There’s no reason to say “no because I don’t like you that way”.

“No thanks, I’ve already accepted. . . “. If it’s true.

Some of you are going to left gaping at the mouth when DS or DD is treated as you suggest.

You act like boys haven't been asking girls out for 100+ years and this is a new invention we need to treat delicately. It doesn't need to be a huge deal.

Guy: hey, do you want to go to homecoming?
Girl: no thanks
Guy: okay, see ya

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

[Anonymous]

Well, she should thank him for asking , and then say no. It's all in the tone, OP. She can rehearse beforehand. The tone needs to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

2 fairly casual asks in 2 years is not exactly stalking - there really is no need for hostility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Well, she should thank him for asking , and then say no. It's all in the tone, OP. She can rehearse beforehand. The tone needs to be kind.

+1 I am the PP who is baffled by these wishy-washy women. Tone needs to be kind and the words need to be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

2 fairly casual asks in 2 years is not exactly stalking - there really is no need for hostility.

Well, there are women out here making such a huge deal about a boy putting himself out there. If its a fairly casual ask, then a fairly casual no thanks should suffice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

Oh Jesus, pipe down.

Please, this is true. I have been taught this my whole life and it's been problematic. PP is right. Men and boys need to be okay with accepting "no". And women need to be okay with delivering it. It's fine to be kind, but being wishy washy or pretending it's out of your hands is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

2 fairly casual asks in 2 years is not exactly stalking - there really is no need for hostility.

Well, there are women out here making such a huge deal about a boy putting himself out there. If its a fairly casual ask, then a fairly casual no thanks should suffice.

Yeah, there are a lot of people projecting their own issues onto something that really should be pretty simple

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

Oh Jesus, pipe down.

Please, this is true. I have been taught this my whole life and it's been problematic. PP is right. Men and boys need to be okay with accepting "no". And women need to be okay with delivering it. It's fine to be kind, but being wishy washy or pretending it's out of your hands is horrible.

don’t be obtuse, and stop painting men and boys with the same brush. I’ve been on these boards long enough to know that in the reverses situation you’re telling daughters to use their words to get the upper hand in mean girl situations. Thinking about how your words impact others has no gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

Exactly, this guy is asking her the 2nd time. There has to be a clear no at this point, since OP's daughter is not interested in him at all.

2 fairly casual asks in 2 years is not exactly stalking - there really is no need for hostility.

“No thank you” isn’t hostile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

+1 mom of 0 boys and 2 DDs

in real life, I don't think I've ever been in a conversation where someone has said "No." and that's it. What do you do next, stare at each other? If this PP actually has actually followed her own advice, I doubt she has many friends. "No is a complete sentence" is just BS. I do get the intent of the PP. But having the *right* to say no doesn't mean you shove it in some poor boy's face.

I think she should say something like, "Larlo, thank you for asking me. I was already planning to go with Jack, but we hadn't added up so I had to go figure it out. So I just wanted to thank you and let you know. I know it's awkward but I appreciate your asking me."

(so just verbalizing the awkwardness makes it much better between the two of them)

By the way, OP, that your DD said "I'll think about it" when caught off-guard like that is a skill that is hard to learn (because when caught off guard, one's brain tends to not work well.) I'm impressed that she said this!

I agree … this is the nicest response I've seen. Say something like this.

Why should she say she appreciates him asking? She doesn’t seem like she does. They’re not friends. It seems like that would encourage him more.

Do you possess any social niceties at all? Good grief.