How to kindly turn down hocom ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

This is fine, until you have the really persistent person that tries to get around every "gentle" reason she comes up with. She doesn't actually owe him an explanation.

I bet your kids are bullies. If she told him she’s going with someone else he obviously won’t ask her again. It’s just a nicer way of letting someone down.

This was my thought. Normal kids/people know when to say when and move on. I wonder about the posters who defend really pushy, persistent people who don't know when to back off. Clearly the app does not fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

The deal here is that these kids appear to be friends, presumably the OP's daughter would like it to remain that way. You don't need to defend yourself against polite invitations from friends. If it were a rando on the subway asking to take her somewhere, your approach would be appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Is she going with someone else? If not, she can't say that. They are in school together, he would know if she doesn't come. Or he will ask who the person is. This does not work as a reason if it's not true. I think she should just say that it's really nice that he asked, but she is unable to go with him. I also do not think it is mean to say, if pressed, that she thinks he is a nice person but she does not have feelings for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she going with someone else? If not, she can't say that. They are in school together, he would know if she doesn't come. Or he will ask who the person is. This does not work as a reason if it's not true. I think she should just say that it's really nice that he asked, but she is unable to go with him. I also do not think it is mean to say, if pressed, that she thinks he is a nice person but she does not have feelings for him.

OP did say that the daughter had another invitation from some one that she does want to go with, I assume that she has accepted that one.

[Anonymous]

Say she has already accepted another invitation and just wanted to tell him quietly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

The deal here is that these kids appear to be friends, presumably the OP's daughter would like it to remain that way. You don't need to defend yourself against polite invitations from friends. If it were a rando on the subway asking to take her somewhere, your approach would be appropriate.

Nothing about the OP indicates they're friends. OP indicates he asked her two years ago and she said no then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

x100. "No, thank you" is all that is required. She can drop the "thank you" if the boy persists.

[Anonymous]

If they are friends at school, DD can says, "I have another plan but I will see you at the dance."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

The deal here is that these kids appear to be friends, presumably the OP's daughter would like it to remain that way. You don't need to defend yourself against polite invitations from friends. If it were a rando on the subway asking to take her somewhere, your approach would be appropriate.

Nothing about the OP indicates they're friends. OP indicates he asked her two years ago and she said no then.

She's a teenage girl, if they weren't friends, or at least part of the same friend group, she would not be worried about a polite decline. Also, someone she doesn't see regularly would not be likely to ask twice 2 years apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If all her friends are going with a date, better some date than no date. OF course this assumes that the boy doesn't have any major personality flaws like anger issues, stalking, drug addiction, etc

Hopefully the girl in question doesn’t have any of those issues either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

Oh Jesus, pipe down.

+100
Honestly, there’s always someone just *looking* for a problem where none exists. People like the PP are constantly on the offensive and it’s absurd.

OP, I agree with the posters who suggested nicely telling him she had already been asked by someone else and didn’t quite know how to tell him. But if there’s a similar situation again, she should be straightforward and kind immediately by saying thank you so much for the invitation, but (insert excuse). The most important thing is to be kind. It’s SO hard for boys to put it all out there and then get rejected, no matter how kindly.

[Anonymous]

Next time she should politely turn him down right away. Saying “I’ll think about it” only drags it out and makes it more awkward.

Or was he her fallback plan?

[Anonymous]

I think he already knows there is little chance she would say yes. If she had other plans, she would have just said that. If she wanted to go with him, she would have said yes. Short and sweet..no big deal Will thanks for the invite but I have other plans. She should do it as soon as possible so he can regroup with someone else if he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No thanks." She doesn't owe him a reason why. If she wants, she can (quietly, so as not to embarrass him) say "I don't think we like each other in the same way."

But "No" is actually a complete sentence.

There are some really nasty people on these boards. I don’t think that’s a nice way to let someone down. Don’t you want to raise your kids to be kind?

I want to raise my kids to protect themselves FIRST, and be kind SECOND. As a feminist, I hate when a woman (or girl) turns down a guy by saying "I already have a boyfriend/date" because to me that's like saying "I'm already owned by someone else." And that encourages a man to respect another MAN rather than to respect a woman who simply says "No thank you." Women do NOT owe reasons why when they turn down men.

Oh Jesus, pipe down.

+100
Honestly, there’s always someone just *looking* for a problem where none exists. People like the PP are constantly on the offensive and it’s absurd.

OP, I agree with the posters who suggested nicely telling him she had already been asked by someone else and didn’t quite know how to tell him. But if there’s a similar situation again, she should be straightforward and kind immediately by saying thank you so much for the invitation, but (insert excuse). The most important thing is to be kind. It’s SO hard for boys to put it all out there and then get rejected, no matter how kindly.

Thank goodness there are people who understand nuance in certain situations. It is difficult for anyone guy or girl to ask another person out or express feelings. It is perfectly to acceptable to gently let someone down without being cold and abrupt. This is an ask to a dance not an unwanted sexual advance, stop teaching your children that being assertive means being rude. You can be kind and firm and still allow a person to keep their dignity. Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about, 'sorry, I couldn't figure out how to tell you, but I already agreed to go with X' He doesn't need to know that X invited her later.

This is good. Just say she already said yes to someone else. I would teach her to be as kind as she can and let him down softly.

Thanks for asking but I’m already going with somebody.

It’s a nice no.