When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

"not affect the children"... that is out of OP's hands...THE FATHER has already let it affect the children... the wound is there. Not talking about the elephant in the room is a recipe for anxiety related issues. You don't just ignore what just happened.

We know what happened, the father of these children decided to take care of his needs over theirs. He did not get therapy, he did not get an amicable divorce... he is weak and selfish.

Talk to me after he has gone to a boat load of therapy. Then we can talk abobut... sometimes people make mistakes but dad went to therapy and has learned to have better coping strategies than throwing his children under a bus.

The kids will always know, through the other parent. Or friends and relatives. Some of these people must be living under a rock. Divorce isn't working for the kids, second marriage fail around 70% so the kids are getting screwed royally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

Don't know where you live, but most people look down on cheating. Most people do not think it just happens, nor is there ever a valid reason. It's a very bad choice in life with horrible consequences to the family. It harms children emotionally and economically.

[Anonymous]

So letting kids draw their own conclusions about their father is abusive but telling them an abusive man ISNT abusive is healthy?

Nah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about the anger she can't let go of. How it makes you feel? It is a shame she wasn't able to move on, or forge a better life. Most cheaters aren't worth that amount of oxygen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So letting kids draw their own conclusions about their father is abusive but telling them an abusive man ISNT abusive is healthy?

Nah.

OP never said her spouse was abusive. Just a cheater.

People are bringing their own drama to this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about the anger she can't let go of. How it makes you feel? It is a shame she wasn't able to move on, or forge a better life. Most cheaters aren't worth that amount of oxygen.

On rare occasion, I would speak up and tell her "he's still my dad." But otherwise, no. Do other children serve as their parent's therapist? I don't ask that rhetorically. It seemed so bizarre to be the one asking about their marital problems.

Also, this idea of cheating = abuse is insulting. I am sure there are abusive men who also cheat but that wasn't my father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So letting kids draw their own conclusions about their father is abusive but telling them an abusive man ISNT abusive is healthy?

Nah.

OP never said her spouse was abusive. Just a cheater.

People are bringing their own drama to this one.

PP wasn't talking about OPs husband. She's talking about one of her previous posts about her abusive husband. You need to read back. You really can't cover for a horrible spouse, kids will indeed draw their own conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So letting kids draw their own conclusions about their father is abusive but telling them an abusive man ISNT abusive is healthy?

Nah.

OP never said her spouse was abusive. Just a cheater.

People are bringing their own drama to this one.

I know. Mine was, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about the anger she can't let go of. How it makes you feel? It is a shame she wasn't able to move on, or forge a better life. Most cheaters aren't worth that amount of oxygen.

On rare occasion, I would speak up and tell her "he's still my dad." But otherwise, no. Do other children serve as their parent's therapist? I don't ask that rhetorically. It seemed so bizarre to be the one asking about their marital problems.

Also, this idea of cheating = abuse is insulting. I am sure there are abusive men who also cheat but that wasn't my father.

Next time she goes off about your dad you need to tell her. Or suggest getting therapy, but avoiding her doesn't seem right. At least try to communicate with her.

Yes cheating is abuse - psychological fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about the anger she can't let go of. How it makes you feel? It is a shame she wasn't able to move on, or forge a better life. Most cheaters aren't worth that amount of oxygen.

On rare occasion, I would speak up and tell her "he's still my dad." But otherwise, no. Do other children serve as their parent's therapist? I don't ask that rhetorically. It seemed so bizarre to be the one asking about their marital problems.

Also, this idea of cheating = abuse is insulting. I am sure there are abusive men who also cheat but that wasn't my father.

it's a form of abuse.... if you don't know that it's sad you learned so little after going through it. So is alcoholism, so is drug abuse, so is holding money over a kids head in return for a relationship.. so is hitting, there are all different types of abuse, cheating is one of them.

And... no, you don't talk to your mom about your dad and no you are not her therapist... the fact that somebody insinuate that you are responsible for your mom's emotions just shows how little people understand this subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about the anger she can't let go of. How it makes you feel? It is a shame she wasn't able to move on, or forge a better life. Most cheaters aren't worth that amount of oxygen.

On rare occasion, I would speak up and tell her "he's still my dad." But otherwise, no. Do other children serve as their parent's therapist? I don't ask that rhetorically. It seemed so bizarre to be the one asking about their marital problems.

Also, this idea of cheating = abuse is insulting. I am sure there are abusive men who also cheat but that wasn't my father.

Next time she goes off about your dad you need to tell her. Or suggest getting therapy, but avoiding her doesn't seem right. At least try to communicate with her.

Yes cheating is abuse - psychological fyi.

Why is that PP allowed to draw her own conclusions about her dad but not equally so about her mom? This idea that just because one spouse cheated the one who didn’t is somehow a saint above reproach is really problematic.

[Anonymous]

Equating cheating with hitting a child is completely wrong. I'm married and my husband is not a cheater, so I don't have a personal dog in this fight. But, it does a real disservice to children who have been actually abused to equate the two. There is a reason that cheating does not lead to loss of custody or removal from the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about the anger she can't let go of. How it makes you feel? It is a shame she wasn't able to move on, or forge a better life. Most cheaters aren't worth that amount of oxygen.

On rare occasion, I would speak up and tell her "he's still my dad." But otherwise, no. Do other children serve as their parent's therapist? I don't ask that rhetorically. It seemed so bizarre to be the one asking about their marital problems.

Also, this idea of cheating = abuse is insulting. I am sure there are abusive men who also cheat but that wasn't my father.

Next time she goes off about your dad you need to tell her. Or suggest getting therapy, but avoiding her doesn't seem right. At least try to communicate with her.

Yes cheating is abuse - psychological fyi.

Why is that PP allowed to draw her own conclusions about her dad but not equally so about her mom? This idea that just because one spouse cheated the one who didn’t is somehow a saint above reproach is really problematic.

I clearly said it was wrong what the mother did, never said or implied she was a saint. I feel like she should communicate with the mother to stop bashing the dad. And to move on from it. Only to repair their own relationship, it may help their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.

I'm glad you found peace in a situation with 2 toxic parents. It does not make your dad less toxic, it's just the only thing you know now. and you live with it.

Loving a parent and thinking you have to spend time with them just because they are your parent is different, as you have figure out... because you limit your time with you mom.

OP's children will limit their time with their dad... it's normal, it's healthy, she should not discourage it. It toxic to think you have to spend time with a parent just because they are your parent. The kdis see their dad's mistakes and learn from them instead of brushing them under a rug.

Also, sadly, I don't think you ever understood how your life could have been if your father acted like an adult.. got therapy and worked through the marital issues... you might actually have 2 happy and healthy parents and an intact extended family. That is on your dad whether you realize it or not.

Sometimes it's just better to not think about it, because it's too hard to stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Equating cheating with hitting a child is completely wrong. I'm married and my husband is not a cheater, so I don't have a personal dog in this fight. But, it does a real disservice to children who have been actually abused to equate the two. There is a reason that cheating does not lead to loss of custody or removal from the home.

Nobody is equating cheating to hitting a child.

Just like nobody equates sexual abuse to hitting a child.... though they are both abuse.

We all know how the courts wrongly give kids to their fathers for visitation to only have them beaten to death or drowned so ... I'm not sure your example is a great one.

Josh Powell killed his wife... but they could not prove it... court gave him visitation for his kids and he blew them up. Still, the mom's murder is unsolved. Come on now.