When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There is no way they spend any time talking about you, OP. Seriously, let this go. You’ve created a what, 14 page thread about her at this point and are still sitting around on a Saturday night convincing yourself online how much she doesn’t bother you and you’re above this. There’s a scene in Mad Men where the little new hire gets on the elevator with Don and he’s mad Don presented the new guy’s idea as his own. He has a little tantrum and then goes “I feel sorry for you,” really thinking this is gonna hurt Don. Don owns the agency and has all the control. He responds “I don’t think about you at all.”

Consider which of these you really are.

OP here. This is actually my biggest fear. That the OW is exactly like Don Draper, and my kids are going to be spending time with that kind of sociopath. They are going to have an adult figure in their lives who does horrible, selfish things to hurt others and shows no remorse or self awareness.

I don’t think she thinks much about me. I don’t think she thinks much about her ex. I don’t think she thinks at all about the damage this has caused the 5 kids. That’s why I don’t want to have to interact with her and struggle to prepare for when that day arrives.

Quite common that cheater‘s like yours are narcs. Don‘t know whether this helps but my 5yo identified the pattern without further input. Tells about the grim looks when she‘s not the kind of child they want her to be. The silent-treatment, the neglect instead of quality time. Says it‘s not the kind of love that adults should give to children. I ask in detail to how it makes her feel, to give examples and validate her feelings. She has sworn me in to keep this a secret. Here’s what could be helpful.

Together with headteacher I have put her under loose surveillance of school social worker. Without telling that I believe they are narcs. Told ex it’s common procedure after break-up. She meets with her for half an hour every week. Whenever 5yo comes to me with something like this, I encourage her to tell at school. These kind of things need to be documented by experts. If it‘s you, it just seems like the ex bitching around for petty things.

Also, you may find it soothing that my 5yo has found a way out. Often enough I get a phone call from ex that she wants to come home early because she is sick. Tummy ache or head ache. The moment the door closes after her, she‘s fine. When I ask, she says, she doesn‘t have it anymore. Just never tell your ex (tempting to let them know, I know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex just rented a new place and its pretty small (3 bedroom townhouse) so I don't think that's the plan in the near future, but who knows.
Right now I only deal with my ex, and only about logistics related to the kids via an app. We attend the kids' school events together, do joint birthday parties for them. I have it in the divorce decree that no romantic partners or spouses can attend those unless we both jointly agree. So far its worked, as it's important for the kids to see that we can do that and there is zero drama or stress.

I get boyfriends/ girlfriends, but spouses excluded? That's damn cold and probably not enforceable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is no way they spend any time talking about you, OP. Seriously, let this go. You’ve created a what, 14 page thread about her at this point and are still sitting around on a Saturday night convincing yourself online how much she doesn’t bother you and you’re above this. There’s a scene in Mad Men where the little new hire gets on the elevator with Don and he’s mad Don presented the new guy’s idea as his own. He has a little tantrum and then goes “I feel sorry for you,” really thinking this is gonna hurt Don. Don owns the agency and has all the control. He responds “I don’t think about you at all.”

Consider which of these you really are.

OP here. This is actually my biggest fear. That the OW is exactly like Don Draper, and my kids are going to be spending time with that kind of sociopath. They are going to have an adult figure in their lives who does horrible, selfish things to hurt others and shows no remorse or self awareness.

I don’t think she thinks much about me. I don’t think she thinks much about her ex. I don’t think she thinks at all about the damage this has caused the 5 kids. That’s why I don’t want to have to interact with her and struggle to prepare for when that day arrives.

Quite common that cheater‘s like yours are narcs. Don‘t know whether this helps but my 5yo identified the pattern without further input. Tells about the grim looks when she‘s not the kind of child they want her to be. The silent-treatment, the neglect instead of quality time. Says it‘s not the kind of love that adults should give to children. I ask in detail to how it makes her feel, to give examples and validate her feelings. She has sworn me in to keep this a secret. Here’s what could be helpful.

Together with headteacher I have put her under loose surveillance of school social worker. Without telling that I believe they are narcs. Told ex it’s common procedure after break-up. She meets with her for half an hour every week. Whenever 5yo comes to me with something like this, I encourage her to tell at school. These kind of things need to be documented by experts. If it‘s you, it just seems like the ex bitching around for petty things.

Also, you may find it soothing that my 5yo has found a way out. Often enough I get a phone call from ex that she wants to come home early because she is sick. Tummy ache or head ache. The moment the door closes after her, she‘s fine. When I ask, she says, she doesn‘t have it anymore. Just never tell your ex (tempting to let them know, I know).

I hope you are aware narc is NOT a nickname used in reference to narcissistic. Your social worker probably now thinks your ex and his new spouse are in witness protection for being cooperative with law enforcement about their drug lord former boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex just rented a new place and its pretty small (3 bedroom townhouse) so I don't think that's the plan in the near future, but who knows.
Right now I only deal with my ex, and only about logistics related to the kids via an app. We attend the kids' school events together, do joint birthday parties for them. I have it in the divorce decree that no romantic partners or spouses can attend those unless we both jointly agree. So far its worked, as it's important for the kids to see that we can do that and there is zero drama or stress.

I get boyfriends/ girlfriends, but spouses excluded? That's damn cold and probably not enforceable.

If it's at her house she can ban who she wants. However school events it wouldn't be enforceable. If I was a spouse the joint celebrations would stop, each can have their own for the child. Actually looking around that's what most do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tear her a new asshole among the other parents. Immature, but too bad. I would make her so uncomfortable that she'd never want to show her face at school. I would even make sure her kids' teachers, principal, the school secretary know.

I wish you'd established expectations with her STBX about introducing girlfriends and boyfriends to the kids.

You sound nice, OP. I would be such an unrepentant bitch in your situation -- both to the AP and to the exDH. I would ensure my kids had no respect for her. (Yes, I know it's the exDH's "fault" he cheated, but I wouldn't want to get accused of parental alienation or whatever so I wouldn't badmouth the ex to young kids )

Worst advice ever....this is selfish and only will make you feel better for a minute. If he is going to be with this woman and build a life with her, then you suck it up for what is best for your boys. I had the same situation, did it suck at first, yes, but my kids love her and she ended up being really awesome. I have come to appreciate her now that we are a year in and she respects me and her boundaries as just a bonus adult that loves my kids. I even call her when I am stuck at work to help me out with school pickup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tear her a new asshole among the other parents. Immature, but too bad. I would make her so uncomfortable that she'd never want to show her face at school. I would even make sure her kids' teachers, principal, the school secretary know.

I wish you'd established expectations with her STBX about introducing girlfriends and boyfriends to the kids.

You sound nice, OP. I would be such an unrepentant bitch in your situation -- both to the AP and to the exDH. I would ensure my kids had no respect for her. (Yes, I know it's the exDH's "fault" he cheated, but I wouldn't want to get accused of parental alienation or whatever so I wouldn't badmouth the ex to young kids )

Worst advice ever....this is selfish and only will make you feel better for a minute. If he is going to be with this woman and build a life with her, then you suck it up for what is best for your boys. I had the same situation, did it suck at first, yes, but my kids love her and she ended up being really awesome. I have come to appreciate her now that we are a year in and she respects me and her boundaries as just a bonus adult that loves my kids. I even call her when I am stuck at work to help me out with school pickup.

OP already said she's not interested in doing any of that, she's moving on. Doesn't plan to ever had any type of relationship with AP. Minimal contact with the dad only regarding pick-up/drop-off info. If AP didn't respect a family, or didn't understand married men are off limits she can expect the same treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tear her a new asshole among the other parents. Immature, but too bad. I would make her so uncomfortable that she'd never want to show her face at school. I would even make sure her kids' teachers, principal, the school secretary know.

I wish you'd established expectations with her STBX about introducing girlfriends and boyfriends to the kids.

You sound nice, OP. I would be such an unrepentant bitch in your situation -- both to the AP and to the exDH. I would ensure my kids had no respect for her. (Yes, I know it's the exDH's "fault" he cheated, but I wouldn't want to get accused of parental alienation or whatever so I wouldn't badmouth the ex to young kids )

Worst advice ever....this is selfish and only will make you feel better for a minute. If he is going to be with this woman and build a life with her, then you suck it up for what is best for your boys. I had the same situation, did it suck at first, yes, but my kids love her and she ended up being really awesome. I have come to appreciate her now that we are a year in and she respects me and her boundaries as just a bonus adult that loves my kids. I even call her when I am stuck at work to help me out with school pickup.

Also, courts are not too keen to approve an agreement that prohibits introducing new partners. Courts realize you have the right to move on. But, for sure, once the ex is remarried, even if you had an agreement that states no overnights, for example, that becomes void and the court will not enforce the provision. I know...lived experience. Look, I spent 6 months seething at my ex's new woman, even more so when my kids came home and ranted and raved about how great she is...then I realized what am I doing? Why am I so mad? My kids told me there dad is so happy and it makes them happy, so what, I am going to ruin that in their eyes because I am petty? No, I did what was right for my kids...period. Yes, he left me for her. Yes, they are now married. Yes, they seem to be great together. I am happy for them and my kids. I have also moved on and will be getting married in a few months. Wait for it....yes, everyone is invited to the wedding. Bottom line...let your anger go and focus on the kids, all will okay. By focusing on this anger you are short changing your kids of a happy mom. Just do what is right for the kids, even if their decision to cheat and blow up your marriage was selfish...don't make it harder on those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tear her a new asshole among the other parents. Immature, but too bad. I would make her so uncomfortable that she'd never want to show her face at school. I would even make sure her kids' teachers, principal, the school secretary know.

I wish you'd established expectations with her STBX about introducing girlfriends and boyfriends to the kids.

You sound nice, OP. I would be such an unrepentant bitch in your situation -- both to the AP and to the exDH. I would ensure my kids had no respect for her. (Yes, I know it's the exDH's "fault" he cheated, but I wouldn't want to get accused of parental alienation or whatever so I wouldn't badmouth the ex to young kids )

Worst advice ever....this is selfish and only will make you feel better for a minute. If he is going to be with this woman and build a life with her, then you suck it up for what is best for your boys. I had the same situation, did it suck at first, yes, but my kids love her and she ended up being really awesome. I have come to appreciate her now that we are a year in and she respects me and her boundaries as just a bonus adult that loves my kids. I even call her when I am stuck at work to help me out with school pickup.

OP already said she's not interested in doing any of that, she's moving on. Doesn't plan to ever had any type of relationship with AP. Minimal contact with the dad only regarding pick-up/drop-off info. If AP didn't respect a family, or didn't understand married men are off limits she can expect the same treatment.

If they are sharing custody that will next to impossible, especially if ex ends up living with this woman. I know, I interact with my ex's wife a lot....she comes to school functions, she comes to the kids b-day parties, she does a lot of the drop off because of my ex's work schedule. She even fills in for me when I am too busy at work, since she works from home.

Once the kids are old enough, they will also let you know when you are acting petty. Trust me, my 14 year old checks me from time to time. The way I look at it, I would rather my kids know they can feel what they want to feel and not worry about me being upset because they like this woman. I have a great relationship with my kids because I have allowed them to have these feeling and they know it's fine to express them and tell me. I always told them I know I am your mom and nothing can come between that, just like nothing can come between them and their dad. I think making sure my kids feel loved in both homes and free to feel us what they want in both homes is the only way to do this. It's not the kids fault...let's not make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells in their own home(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

Don't know where you live, but most people look down on cheating. Most people do not think it just happens, nor is there ever a valid reason. It's a very bad choice in life with horrible consequences to the family. It harms children emotionally and economically.

Well, we must not care too much, we elected two presidents from both parties that love to cheat on their wives. We almost elected a woman who just accepts it, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

Don't know where you live, but most people look down on cheating. Most people do not think it just happens, nor is there ever a valid reason. It's a very bad choice in life with horrible consequences to the family. It harms children emotionally and economically.

Well, we must not care too much, we elected two presidents from both parties that love to cheat on their wives. We almost elected a woman who just accepts it, too!

When there are only two viable candidates most will choose what they feel is the lesser of two evils.

Nothing to do with OP. Her ex threw away his family over a outsider. It won't ever be the same, the problems are only beginning. Guaranteed her ex won't understand for some years to come what he did. It's a domino effect all the way down to the grand-kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tear her a new asshole among the other parents. Immature, but too bad. I would make her so uncomfortable that she'd never want to show her face at school. I would even make sure her kids' teachers, principal, the school secretary know.

I wish you'd established expectations with her STBX about introducing girlfriends and boyfriends to the kids.

You sound nice, OP. I would be such an unrepentant bitch in your situation -- both to the AP and to the exDH. I would ensure my kids had no respect for her. (Yes, I know it's the exDH's "fault" he cheated, but I wouldn't want to get accused of parental alienation or whatever so I wouldn't badmouth the ex to young kids )

Worst advice ever....this is selfish and only will make you feel better for a minute. If he is going to be with this woman and build a life with her, then you suck it up for what is best for your boys. I had the same situation, did it suck at first, yes, but my kids love her and she ended up being really awesome. I have come to appreciate her now that we are a year in and she respects me and her boundaries as just a bonus adult that loves my kids. I even call her when I am stuck at work to help me out with school pickup.

OP already said she's not interested in doing any of that, she's moving on. Doesn't plan to ever had any type of relationship with AP. Minimal contact with the dad only regarding pick-up/drop-off info. If AP didn't respect a family, or didn't understand married men are off limits she can expect the same treatment.

If they are sharing custody that will next to impossible, especially if ex ends up living with this woman. I know, I interact with my ex's wife a lot....she comes to school functions, she comes to the kids b-day parties, she does a lot of the drop off because of my ex's work schedule. She even fills in for me when I am too busy at work, since she works from home.

Once the kids are old enough, they will also let you know when you are acting petty. Trust me, my 14 year old checks me from time to time. The way I look at it, I would rather my kids know they can feel what they want to feel and not worry about me being upset because they like this woman. I have a great relationship with my kids because I have allowed them to have these feeling and they know it's fine to express them and tell me. I always told them I know I am your mom and nothing can come between that, just like nothing can come between them and their dad. I think making sure my kids feel loved in both homes and free to feel us what they want in both homes is the only way to do this. It's not the kids fault...let's not make them feel like they have to walk on eggshells in their own home(s).

They may fizzle out, doesn't seem like her ex is moving AP and brood in anytime soon. I don't think OP ever needs to rely on OW to transport her kids, or anything else.