When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I "poisoned" my kids against their dad and the lying scuzzy other woman. I told them exactly what they did. Kids were appalled and stopped speaking to him. They were high schoolers so I just said so sorry dad missed your game, he was too busy screwing his girlfriend.
Despite all the protestations on the DCUM, it worked great. All our friends took my side.

Ex gave up and just sends the checks now. We are all happier. I hear that marriage is on the ricks now, too!

This is terrible, I would never hurt my kids this way, and you have damaged them for the rest of their lives. Yes, their father is an absolute ass (as was my XH) and he was the one who had to tell them the truth about our family breaking up, but I would never want them to sever their relationship with him. He is their father, faults and all, and you know what, he's a good father, just a shitty husband, as I know he will be to her. Your kids don't need your baggage in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tear her a new asshole among the other parents. Immature, but too bad. I would make her so uncomfortable that she'd never want to show her face at school. I would even make sure her kids' teachers, principal, the school secretary know.

I wish you'd established expectations with her STBX about introducing girlfriends and boyfriends to the kids.

You sound nice, OP. I would be such an unrepentant bitch in your situation -- both to the AP and to the exDH. I would ensure my kids had no respect for her. (Yes, I know it's the exDH's "fault" he cheated, but I wouldn't want to get accused of parental alienation or whatever so I wouldn't badmouth the ex to young kids )

So you would make her kids feel uncomfortable? You're right that's immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I "poisoned" my kids against their dad and the lying scuzzy other woman. I told them exactly what they did. Kids were appalled and stopped speaking to him. They were high schoolers so I just said so sorry dad missed your game, he was too busy screwing his girlfriend.
Despite all the protestations on the DCUM, it worked great. All our friends took my side.

Ex gave up and just sends the checks now. We are all happier. I hear that marriage is on the ricks now, too!

This is probably the most functional way to handle things.

You've got to be kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex married the other woman. We rarely interact, but at the occasional kid event we just politely ignore each other. I bitch about her to friends and my mom, but in all other circumstances, always take the high road. People figure out who is the good person and who is the shithead pretty quickly in my experience, and I like not ever giving them the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me.

And more importantly, it keeps my kids sheltered from drama or feeling any conflict.

+1 kudos to you. OP, people get it. They may be polite to the other person in situations that call for it, but that's all. People who have affairs make a choice and typically don't care what people think about them as long as they get what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this thread 6 years ago, minus the secretary aspect. My ex introduced our two boys to his affair partner prior to our divorce, and he continued to see her after the divorce. However, they broke up shortly thereafter, as he got caught cheating--again, lol.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow but maintain your grace and class. Resist the urge to lash out. She likely feels just as uncomfortable, if not more so, and I am sure he does as well. I can almost 100 percent guarantee they won't last.

I wouldn't bet on this. I've known 3 second marriages that started out as affairs and have lasted longer than the originals. OP, you won't regret taking the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the kids figure it out. You don't need to tell them, and don't badmouth him (although you don't need to make him look good, either -- no need to lie or help him out in any way.)

Trust your kids. They will figure it out and they know where their bread is buttered.

My ex cheated and did all the things you aren’t supposed to do with kids - Slept over, introduced early in the relationship etc. Kids now regard AP as family etc. So I agree that you should stay classy etc. But I do find the idea of telling the kids exactly what happened very compelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the kids figure it out. You don't need to tell them, and don't badmouth him (although you don't need to make him look good, either -- no need to lie or help him out in any way.)

Trust your kids. They will figure it out and they know where their bread is buttered.

My ex cheated and did all the things you aren’t supposed to do with kids - Slept over, introduced early in the relationship etc. Kids now regard AP as family etc. So I agree that you should stay classy etc. But I do find the idea of telling the kids exactly what happened very compelling.

Compelling but damaging. Please let your kids be kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the kids figure it out. You don't need to tell them, and don't badmouth him (although you don't need to make him look good, either -- no need to lie or help him out in any way.)

Trust your kids. They will figure it out and they know where their bread is buttered.

If it's purely a matter of bread and butter, in fact, it is in their interest to have a good relationship with him, regardless of what their mom thinks about him and his new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the kids figure it out. You don't need to tell them, and don't badmouth him (although you don't need to make him look good, either -- no need to lie or help him out in any way.)

Trust your kids. They will figure it out and they know where their bread is buttered.

My ex cheated and did all the things you aren’t supposed to do with kids - Slept over, introduced early in the relationship etc. Kids now regard AP as family etc. So I agree that you should stay classy etc. But I do find the idea of telling the kids exactly what happened very compelling.

I'm PP that wrote that they will figure it out. I didn't mean to say that the kids can't know about the affair. Depends a lot on kids' ages and circumstances and relationships with the parents, IMO. My kids were not told initially for a slew of reasons, but figured it out about a year or two later on their own. When they asked me, I made HIM come clean to them.

My view on this is like talking to kids about sex. Only correct and truthful information, but which information and when depends on age and maturity and context.

My point wasn't about them figuring out the facts; rather, the point is that they will figure out how to correctly judge the situation and people involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I "poisoned" my kids against their dad and the lying scuzzy other woman. I told them exactly what they did. Kids were appalled and stopped speaking to him. They were high schoolers so I just said so sorry dad missed your game, he was too busy screwing his girlfriend.
Despite all the protestations on the DCUM, it worked great. All our friends took my side.

Ex gave up and just sends the checks now. We are all happier. I hear that marriage is on the ricks now, too!

My mom pretty much did this - poisoned us against our dad, denied him access, eventually he gave up. So she "won". Yay. I can see, with the benefit of adult perspective, that this inflicted severe, long-lasting psychological damage on me and my brother. I have never told her this, and she'd no doubt emit a huge cloud of annoying self-justification if I did. So please, don't do this to your kids, however much it feels like "winning" to you in the short term.

[Anonymous]

I really struggled with whether or not to tell the kids. Even the experts don't seem to agree on this.

You may find this useful -- I know I did: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/05/dear-chump-lady-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

Kids need is one sane parent — you’re it.

As for how much of the cheating to tell them about? At their ages, they may already know or have suspected. My son was 9 when it happened to me, so he got the rated-G version. I told him: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. (***) cheated, and lied, and I’m going to be really sad and upset for awhile, but you’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.

...
People disagree with whether or not to tell children about infidelity. My opinion is that it’s not okay to gaslight children, even with the best of intentions. I believe you should tell them in age-appropriate ways, without editorializing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really struggled with whether or not to tell the kids. Even the experts don't seem to agree on this.

You may find this useful -- I know I did: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/05/dear-chump-lady-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

Kids need is one sane parent — you’re it.

As for how much of the cheating to tell them about? At their ages, they may already know or have suspected. My son was 9 when it happened to me, so he got the rated-G version. I told him: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. (***) cheated, and lied, and I’m going to be really sad and upset for awhile, but you’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.

...
People disagree with whether or not to tell children about infidelity. My opinion is that it’s not okay to gaslight children, even with the best of intentions. I believe you should tell them in age-appropriate ways, without editorializing

You can tell them in age appropriate ways without verbally poisoning them. Like it or not your ex is part of kids. Don’t teach them to hate him or who they are. Even if they seem to be handling it and “on your side”, kids internalize. A good relationship with their father is important for their well being and their future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I "poisoned" my kids against their dad and the lying scuzzy other woman. I told them exactly what they did. Kids were appalled and stopped speaking to him. They were high schoolers so I just said so sorry dad missed your game, he was too busy screwing his girlfriend.
Despite all the protestations on the DCUM, it worked great. All our friends took my side.

Ex gave up and just sends the checks now. We are all happier. I hear that marriage is on the ricks now, too!

My mom pretty much did this - poisoned us against our dad, denied him access, eventually he gave up. So she "won". Yay. I can see, with the benefit of adult perspective, that this inflicted severe, long-lasting psychological damage on me and my brother. I have never told her this, and she'd no doubt emit a huge cloud of annoying self-justification if I did. So please, don't do this to your kids, however much it feels like "winning" to you in the short term.

Why shouldn't you take your mom's side? What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

A level headed adult would realize sides do not matter to the kids. They NEED both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I "poisoned" my kids against their dad and the lying scuzzy other woman. I told them exactly what they did. Kids were appalled and stopped speaking to him. They were high schoolers so I just said so sorry dad missed your game, he was too busy screwing his girlfriend.
Despite all the protestations on the DCUM, it worked great. All our friends took my side.

Ex gave up and just sends the checks now. We are all happier. I hear that marriage is on the ricks now, too!

My mom pretty much did this - poisoned us against our dad, denied him access, eventually he gave up. So she "won". Yay. I can see, with the benefit of adult perspective, that this inflicted severe, long-lasting psychological damage on me and my brother. I have never told her this, and she'd no doubt emit a huge cloud of annoying self-justification if I did. So please, don't do this to your kids, however much it feels like "winning" to you in the short term.

Why shouldn't you take your mom's side? What is wrong with you?

My mom did the same thing and i have so must less respect for her. I view his cheating as a justification for her nagging, shrew-like personality. She never got over him and it destroyed her life.