When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I "poisoned" my kids against their dad and the lying scuzzy other woman. I told them exactly what they did. Kids were appalled and stopped speaking to him. They were high schoolers so I just said so sorry dad missed your game, he was too busy screwing his girlfriend.
Despite all the protestations on the DCUM, it worked great. All our friends took my side.

Ex gave up and just sends the checks now. We are all happier. I hear that marriage is on the ricks now, too!

My mom pretty much did this - poisoned us against our dad, denied him access, eventually he gave up. So she "won". Yay. I can see, with the benefit of adult perspective, that this inflicted severe, long-lasting psychological damage on me and my brother. I have never told her this, and she'd no doubt emit a huge cloud of annoying self-justification if I did. So please, don't do this to your kids, however much it feels like "winning" to you in the short term.

Why shouldn't you take your mom's side? What is wrong with you?

What is WRONG is EXACTLY what you are saying here - demanding that kids "take a side". The other parent is STILL their parent, and will be for the kid's entire life, even if that parent is not a perfect person and even if you hate them.

Act in the interest OF YOUR CHILDREN not of your wounded pride and ego.

It's healthier for kids to know the truth about their parents and separate themselves from narcissism. This BS about respect a person just because they share DNA is not healthy. Act like a good person if you want respect. Sometime kids need to learn healthy boundaries, like staying away from toxic people.

Yes but marriage is complicated and sometimes a bad husband is not a bad father. My mother did this. My father and her had a horrible relationship and he cheating all through the marriage. He left her for another woman and she told us not to speak to him. We didn’t for many years. We made up with him on and off and when we were on, we had issues but he was always there for us. Our mother put us in awful situations - she wouldn’t even speak to him which I understand but we did not deserve to be in the middle. Now we have made up with our father because we have kids of our own. I can tell you unwaveringly if this happened in my life I would never poison my kids because of what my mom did. Unless my husband is a danger to my children, they would see him and have a relationship with him.

A good father would not have created an unstable situation for their children. They would not treat their primary caregiver that way. I'm glad it eventually worked out... but saying he is a good father is like saying a surgeon is great even though 1/2 his surgeries fail, but yours didn't so who cares.

It's only working out because she's in denial. "He was always there for us". No he wasn't.

Her whole post is a disaster and screams co-dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry- I don’t teach my kids to pledge blind allegiance and fealty to an abusive man just because he produced sperm 12 years ago. I will judge him on his actions and so should our kids. They should be able to do that with an age appropriate respect for the facts.

Parental alienation is an unproven joke that was basically made up to protect abusive men.

Until we start standing up and being honest about toxic masculinity and how common it is for a man to be a giant coward family wreckers, we will continue to get punished for speaking the truth about who these men are.

No mas. My ex is an abusive pig- his colleagues know it, our community knows it- but his kids are supposed to pretend to not knownit?

Nah.

You’re abusing your kids too FYI

No she isn't. She is teaching them good boundaries.

Opening up your marriage issues to your kids and making them pick sides is the literal opposite of having boundaries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry- I don’t teach my kids to pledge blind allegiance and fealty to an abusive man just because he produced sperm 12 years ago. I will judge him on his actions and so should our kids. They should be able to do that with an age appropriate respect for the facts.

Parental alienation is an unproven joke that was basically made up to protect abusive men.

Until we start standing up and being honest about toxic masculinity and how common it is for a man to be a giant coward family wreckers, we will continue to get punished for speaking the truth about who these men are.

No mas. My ex is an abusive pig- his colleagues know it, our community knows it- but his kids are supposed to pretend to not knownit?

Nah.

You’re abusing your kids too FYI

No she isn't. She is teaching them good boundaries.

Opening up your marriage issues to your kids and making them pick sides is the literal opposite of having boundaries

Luckily she did not do that. She let her child see for her/him/them self exactly who their father is. Being all.. 'it's okay, he's your father, love him anyway" is not good. I'm not saying tell them "he sucks stay away"... but when you see a father prioritize his time, his life, his money, his living arrangement to be away from his children.. it's pretty obvious what he is.

[Anonymous]

Child of cheater divorce where dad ended up with affair partner. My ex also cheated and we divorced, although he didn't end up with AP.

I think I understand your feelings OP. But for the sake of the kids, take the high road. Treat her politely and coldly. The person who *really* deserves your hate is the person who took a vow to you and broke it. Not so much the OW although what she did is contemptible, I agree.

Make it easier on your kids. Do not bad mouth them. Take the high road. One day they will figure out who the bad guy is and they will appreciate what it must have cost you to swallow this bitter pill.

My mom is still angry and bitter after 30 years and I'm tired of listening to her bad mouth my dad and his wife. I can't make him not my dad (and don't want to) and therefore I *have* to forgive him and accept his wife if I want him in my life. My mother always makes me feel disloyal for loving my dad. It's a terrible position to be in and makes me want to see her less. And I'm almost 50.

I love my mom too and I have huge sympathy for what she went through. I went through a lot of it too! But I was even more determined based on this to NOT poison my kids and drag them into it.

Their actions speak for themselves. You don't need to criticize. Although sure, I might let a few rumors get around (evil grin). Just don't do anything to make situations more awkward for your kids than they already are. I am so tired of every birthday, wedding, shower, whatever being emotionally fraught. I include my cheating ex in all kid related holidays and even let him come on vacation with us! Because that was best for my kids and their relationship with their dad.

It's hard. Get a therapist and vent to friends. Not your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry- I don’t teach my kids to pledge blind allegiance and fealty to an abusive man just because he produced sperm 12 years ago. I will judge him on his actions and so should our kids. They should be able to do that with an age appropriate respect for the facts.

Parental alienation is an unproven joke that was basically made up to protect abusive men.

Until we start standing up and being honest about toxic masculinity and how common it is for a man to be a giant coward family wreckers, we will continue to get punished for speaking the truth about who these men are.

No mas. My ex is an abusive pig- his colleagues know it, our community knows it- but his kids are supposed to pretend to not knownit?

Nah.

You’re abusing your kids too FYI

No she isn't. She is teaching them good boundaries.

Opening up your marriage issues to your kids and making them pick sides is the literal opposite of having boundaries

She didn't say open up the marriage issues to the kids, or making them pick sides. Instead she conveyed realistically the kids see what everyone else does. They are experiencing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

[Anonymous]

It's like when a father (or mother) is an alcoholic. You don't pretend they are not drunk. You have to be honest with your kids. If their father/mother is doing something that is destructive to the whole family unit... bring it to light and deal with it. Nothing is good that is kept in the dark, it just is toxic to the children's emotional well being.

Get them therapy so they can say they hate their dad to a therapist instead of you... they will try to protect you and say it's okay or even say it sucks when it doesn't.

Let them have a safe person to talk to.

It's clear in this post how damaged some of the kids of divorce, now adults have become people pleasers ... like they have to or something... like ... I have kids and they "must" know their grandfather... why? It's sad.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP. I would say happiness is the best revenge. This woman will likely cheat on your x-DH too.... I do have one friend whose x-DH married the affair partner and that was torture for my friend ... I would establish clear boundaries... how old are your kids? You are their only mom and can’t ever be replaced. Be there as a role model for them if a strong, lemonaid out of lemons, person that your kids can look back on and call their hero. Folks will figure it out without you having to tell everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

"not affect the children"... that is out of OP's hands...THE FATHER has already let it affect the children... the wound is there. Not talking about the elephant in the room is a recipe for anxiety related issues. You don't just ignore what just happened.

We know what happened, the father of these children decided to take care of his needs over theirs. He did not get therapy, he did not get an amicable divorce... he is weak and selfish.

Talk to me after he has gone to a boat load of therapy. Then we can talk abobut... sometimes people make mistakes but dad went to therapy and has learned to have better coping strategies than throwing his children under a bus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

Thanks for posting this. I want to scream through the screen at the scorned people on here thinking they are doing anything other than massively screwing up their kids with this insistence that their children take sides, shun cheaters and pledge fealty. This happened in my family, my mom was cheated on and took every opportunity to remind me and my siblings why we were no longer a family. You are so hurt, you can't see it, but the more crazy you act, the more you attack my parent, the more you create sympathy for the person you want me to despise.

I have a better relationship with my dad now, but TBH, now that I have my own family, I can choose to shut both of them and their chaos out of my life. The last thing I need to worry about at weddings, showers, and family events is the musical chairs of trying to keep mom away from Dad and his still gf/ former AP and all the negative energy it creates.

OP, go sort this out with a good family therapist. None of them will tell you to listen to the advice of the bitter scorned on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

+100. You’d think some of these cheating husbands murdered someone in cold blood. Life and human nature is more nuanced.

FYI women cheat and break up families too, just because this thread has turned quite one-sided and a man-hating extravaganza per usual.

[Anonymous]

You focus on teaching the children that in life there are people who do honor their commitments, and that they have the option of being upstanding like that. Their innocence has been shattered, but they don't have to follow the example of the two people who blew up your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. I would say happiness is the best revenge. This woman will likely cheat on your x-DH too.... I do have one friend whose x-DH married the affair partner and that was torture for my friend ... I would establish clear boundaries... how old are your kids? You are their only mom and can’t ever be replaced. Be there as a role model for them if a strong, lemonaid out of lemons, person that your kids can look back on and call their hero. Folks will figure it out without you having to tell everyone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why all this coddling of cheaters?

No one is coddling cheaters, they are giving good advice to OP to not let it affect the kids.

Also, you have to remember that a pretty big chunk of the population doesn't see cheating as the mortal action you do. People make mistakes. And a lot of people have cheated or understand how it can happen. No one really knows what went on in a marriage and there is rarely one person solely at fault.

+100. You’d think some of these cheating husbands murdered someone in cold blood. Life and human nature is more nuanced.

FYI women cheat and break up families too, just because this thread has turned quite one-sided and a man-hating extravaganza per usual.

You both sound like you are trying hard to minimize the harm of infidelity. It may ease your own conscience, but it doesn't change reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So we have multiple children of divorce sharing stories of their vindictive mothers and how the world isn’t quite black and white, and they’re getting shamed and talked down to like they couldn’t possibly know their own experience. Amazing.

So a bunch of adults that were damaged as children by their father's infidelity are trying to give advice on how to raise kids... not exactly the well I want to get my water from.

That’s nasty. There are some really, really scorned spouses here. I wish you all peace.

It's not nasty. You are going to tell people how to parent their children when your whole upbringing was a disaster?

(wondering why I waste time arguing with people on anonymous boards, but here goes):

NP here, I promise you I am very successful. My upbringing wasn't a disaster, it had it's challenges, as all divorces do, we made the best we could and I was caught up in a lot of my own teenage drama I blocked out a lot of my mom's rage at my dad. I didn't grow up in a war zone but sure it wasn't all roses. People with intact families have their own scars.

Point being, when I got old enough to make my own choices, I decided being around my bitter mom was only tolerable in doses. I am her child, not her therapist. I love my dad too, he is imperfect but he also tries in his own way. Part of growing up is seeing your parents as the flawed people we all are.

I hope you find peace.