Step-son Moving Back In

[Anonymous]

I'd find him a room or an efficiency apt. I would not let him move into house with small child. If you have to let him move in then he would have to agree to random drug tests and the first positive test, he would be out. Don't charge rent as then he becomes a tenant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

I'd absolutely die on this hill. No way he'd be coming to my home (esp. with a young child) at this point. If DH would leave me, I guess I'd have to live with that. I'd start getting your ducks in a row and not waiting for things to happen.

[Anonymous]

DSS definitely sounds addicted, and yes, you can get addicted to weed. AlAnon and various books have some important lessons for you guys.

Make DH attend some AlAnon sessions (for the families of addicts). There are some in this area that are aimed at parents of addicts. There aren’t many NarcAnons around here, but AlAnon will give you the same support and learning. Get some books about addiction.

What DH (and maybe you) will learn at AlAnon and from books is that the consensus is that you can’t love someone out of addiction—you have to disengage lovingly until the addict is forced by worsening circumstances to choose sobriety. Even the new wave of books that tell you to basically love them into sobriety admit, somewhere in the text, that the majority of recoveries come when addicts are forced by circumstances to stop or go into treatment.

Otherwise, by inviting DSS into your home, you’re just enabling him. This 20-year-old needs a job. If you give him a roof and hot meals, he’ll never want to change, get sober, or get a job. Who would?

You don’t want DSS’ outbursts around the younger child.

So get DSS an efficiency near metro, but nothing too pricey. Pay for a few months, with the understanding that DSS will get a job to take over the rent soon. Send Peapod or Onstacart over with food. Whatever you do, don’t give him cash—he’ll spend it on weed, not on broccoli. Make sure he knows you mean it. Let him know he’ll be on the street if he doesn’t get a job to pay his rent.

Make sure your DH is on board with all of this. And he’ll probavly get on board once he understands you’re dealing with addiction, and hears from AlAnon and others what does and doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

[Anonymous]

Jesus H Christ OP. Your whole plan for handling this volatile and possibly dangerous situation is based on what you “generally understand” from reading about divorce on DCUM? You are a giant moron. For the love of god fork over the $500 for a consultation with an actual family lawyer in your jurisdiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

OP here. This is actually the solution I’ve put in place. Also attending alanon starting tomorrow. Some great suggestions in here, but I can only depend on plans that only depend on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

OP here. This is actually the solution I’ve put in place. Also attending alanon starting tomorrow. Some great suggestions in here, but I can only depend on plans that only depend on me.

Good for you, OP. You’ll be helping your little one.

I do wonder if DH, by providing a bed and food, won’t delay DSS’ recovery. An addict needs reasons to change, but if they have a comfy setup, they won’t want to change anything (enabling isn’t just psychobabble). Sometimes the loving thing to do is let the addict go out on their own and see how tough life really is. But you can’t control your DH, I get that.

[Anonymous]

DSS may well have underlying psychological issues and may be self-medicating. Unfortunately, most therapists/psychologists won’t see him unless he’s clean. A dual program sounds like your best bet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

Bad idea. It would be much better for dad and son to move into an apartment together. Once the son is doing better the dad can move out and son can get s roommate.

If OP leaves her house, she’s never moving back in because the son is going to be the exact same in 2 months as today. The dad needs to move out and focus on his son until he sees that he can’t help him. He needs the apartment alone with his so with no one else to blame. He’s used to blaming his ex wife for everything going wrong with his son - if OP is living with them, I guarantee everything will become her fault. The son and dad will keep living in this delusion fantasy world until the dad has no one left to blame.

OP, don’t move out. Tell your DH to get a 2bdrm with his son so he can give him his undivided attention and help him through the recovery. This is the only way to open his eyes about his son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he overdosed, he’s doing more than pot — that is certain. And if it caused psychosis, then he’s doing something that can cause volatility, like meth.yoir young child cannot bad around that.

If your DH thinks that his son overdosed on pot, then that’s part of the problem — he’s not recognizing the extent of the drug use, perhaps?

Is the boy’s mom a volatile person? What’s going on with the broken doors and windows at her house and why does your DH think it would be better at your house? Need more context.

Op you seem to know this but just in case, these posters that don’t know that thc can lead to psychosis with excessive use (sometimes labeled an overdose even though it’s marijuana so different than a typical “overdose”) are just uninformed. So I just wanted to validate that. Yes it is rare but it is real. especially with teenage use (and likely predisposition to mental illness in most cases). I have a family member dealing with this and it is so difficult, your situation sounds so tough - I understand both your husband and your perspectives. I hope things start looking up soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

Bad idea. It would be much better for dad and son to move into an apartment together. Once the son is doing better the dad can move out and son can get s roommate.

If OP leaves her house, she’s never moving back in because the son is going to be the exact same in 2 months as today. The dad needs to move out and focus on his son until he sees that he can’t help him. He needs the apartment alone with his so with no one else to blame. He’s used to blaming his ex wife for everything going wrong with his son - if OP is living with them, I guarantee everything will become her fault. The son and dad will keep living in this delusion fantasy world until the dad has no one left to blame.

OP, don’t move out. Tell your DH to get a 2bdrm with his son so he can give him his undivided attention and help him through the recovery. This is the only way to open his eyes about his son.

This actually seems like the best idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

Bad idea. It would be much better for dad and son to move into an apartment together. Once the son is doing better the dad can move out and son can get s roommate.

If OP leaves her house, she’s never moving back in because the son is going to be the exact same in 2 months as today. The dad needs to move out and focus on his son until he sees that he can’t help him. He needs the apartment alone with his so with no one else to blame. He’s used to blaming his ex wife for everything going wrong with his son - if OP is living with them, I guarantee everything will become her fault. The son and dad will keep living in this delusion fantasy world until the dad has no one left to blame.

OP, don’t move out. Tell your DH to get a 2bdrm with his son so he can give him his undivided attention and help him through the recovery. This is the only way to open his eyes about his son.

This actually seems like the best idea

Best might be to get DSS an efficiency. Subsidize it for a few months and tell DSS he has to get a job to start paying his own rent soon. Don’t continue this dynamic where DH enables DSS by providing room and board, whether it’s at your house or some new apartment. DSS needs to understand that if he’s not in college, then he needs to support himself. If he has an underlying mental illness, then he may bounce from waiter job to barista job to something else-that’s OK. If DSS doesn’t get a job, and gets evicted, that’s what needs to happen. It sounds harsh, but DSS is the only one who can choose treatment and sobriety. DH can’t do anything to choose these things for DSS. In most cases, if he gets a Vic to, he goes to live with a friend for a couple weeks, gets tired of that, and starts thinking about turning his life around. But DSS is never going to make these choices if DH keeps enabling him, by living with him wherever.

[Anonymous]

He needs an ass whooping and someone to tell him no.

[Anonymous]

Omg. Don’t move apart from your husband. Are you kidding? This is a 20 year old man you are letting disrupt your family like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I would do. I would tell DH that you understand his struggle but that you can't subject your little one to the risk. So then you say you and DD will move out for a month or two to somewhere close by while DH lives with DSS alone. DH still gets to see DD regularly etc. I'd say this is for 4 or 8 weeks, but if DSS doesn't meet X criteria, you won't move back in. Maybe without other people there DH and DSS will do better anyhow.

It's a loving solution to a terrible problem.

Bad idea. It would be much better for dad and son to move into an apartment together. Once the son is doing better the dad can move out and son can get s roommate.

If OP leaves her house, she’s never moving back in because the son is going to be the exact same in 2 months as today. The dad needs to move out and focus on his son until he sees that he can’t help him. He needs the apartment alone with his so with no one else to blame. He’s used to blaming his ex wife for everything going wrong with his son - if OP is living with them, I guarantee everything will become her fault. The son and dad will keep living in this delusion fantasy world until the dad has no one left to blame.

OP, don’t move out. Tell your DH to get a 2bdrm with his son so he can give him his undivided attention and help him through the recovery. This is the only way to open his eyes about his son.

This actually seems like the best idea

Yep. Agreed. And this option is better than the efficiency with son living there solo. At this point, Dad need to actually be there and be able confirm things are going okay before there is any possibility of son moving into the family house.