Step-son Moving Back In

[Anonymous]

To those who are suggesting that they get DSS his own apartment or some variation of this, remember that OP will have to sign the lease and will have her family’s credit ruined when DSS doesn’t step up to the plate - which by history is unlikely.

I don’t know the answer here. I agree with those who say that mom and dad created the problem and that OP might have some complicity here. But what’s done is done. Sadly they didn’t deal with issues before DSS hit age 18 - they could have forced treatment. But now they have to live with the bed they made. I think that moving DSS into the house poses serious risks for OPs daughter. She’s the shining star to the problem child who has demonstrated a propensity for violence. It is a no brainer that this is a problem and you get child is at risk. But dad who bears some responsibility and stepmom who has some role have to make a plan. Do they abandon or do they give every resource they have (time, money or whatever) to make him successful regardless of the impact of the lives of the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those who are suggesting that they get DSS his own apartment or some variation of this, remember that OP will have to sign the lease and will have her family’s credit ruined when DSS doesn’t step up to the plate - which by history is unlikely.

I don’t know the answer here. I agree with those who say that mom and dad created the problem and that OP might have some complicity here. But what’s done is done. Sadly they didn’t deal with issues before DSS hit age 18 - they could have forced treatment. But now they have to live with the bed they made. I think that moving DSS into the house poses serious risks for OPs daughter. She’s the shining star to the problem child who has demonstrated a propensity for violence. It is a no brainer that this is a problem and you get child is at risk. But dad who bears some responsibility and stepmom who has some role have to make a plan. Do they abandon or do they give every resource they have (time, money or whatever) to make him successful regardless of the impact of the lives of the adults.

DP. While some of your post is thoughtful and helpful, shaming OP and the parents is not. The parents may be to blame, or not, and we don’t know. Some people are born with a gene for addiction. Others are born with genes for mental issues, like depression or adhd, and use drugs to self-medicate. Still others fall in with bad friends. Kudos to OP for not taking your bait.

[Anonymous]

If the plan is to move the step son in and you are staying then do everything you possibly can to document the situation moving forward.
- I would photograph every single room in the house. I'm talking a picture of every wall in every room. Store these photos on the cloud so that you can access them from any location.
- Get a nanny cam. Actually get a few and put them in the public spaces of the house. This is so that there might be video evidence of any verbal or physical outbursts that happen.
-Set the rule now that step son is not allowed in dd's bedroom. And she is not allowed in his room.
- you don't say how old dd is but does she have a cell phone? If old enough get her one to keep in her room.
-if you don't have a land line I would get one now and put phones in multiple rooms. If there is a problem the police can get to you faster if the 911 call comes from a traceable land line.
-review with your daughter your family emergency plan. (this is for all kinds of emergencies like a house fire or her step brother getting violent) She needs to know what neighbor to run to in an emergency.
-start an online journal for yourself. Once again this needs to be on the cloud so you can get to if from outside of the house. Add to it every single day. If there are no problems on a day then write that.
-plan on NEVER leaving your dd alone with the step brother. Until he has proven he can be calm I would not leave her in the house without you even if dad is there too.
-If your husband doesn't want to give the son rules then you give your husband your rules. In writing, preferably in an email so there is a record of it. these should be reasonable rules based on ensuring a safe environment for you and your daughter. Don't be nit picky. I don't care if there are dirty clothes all over his bedroom or that his bathroom is filthy. But there will be NO illegal substances in the home at any point. No open flames in his room. No smoking of anything in the house. No vaping in the house. No overnight guests. Set a time when "friends" have to leave at night.

Document everything. You are putting things in writing so that you and your husband can survive this together.

[Anonymous]

He’s not your child. Let his dad take the lead.
Would you be so hard if this was about your younger child? Another reason why mixed families rarely work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s not your child. Let his dad take the lead.
Would you be so hard if this was about your younger child? Another reason why mixed families rarely work.

You are insufferable. Also, Dad is clearly clueless about how to deal with addicts, so your opinion isn’t going to work.

[Anonymous]

Has he had a really thorough psych assessment? It is pretty common for males to self medicate with drugs. It gives them a bit of relief from the cognitive and emotional dysregulation of mental illness. It can be hard to get off this 'medication' if it is working for them until they get a proper assessment and proper treatment.

Drug induced psychosis absolutely does happen and it can happen from weed for sure. It isn't really an overdose - just an effect of the pot on the developing brain. It is also an indicator that there may be underlying illness since he has now been in a psychotic state.

[Anonymous]

You go see a lawyer. Find out your rights, This is going to be a disaster! You need to have a plan in place for you and yoir daughter if you have to leave suddenly due to yoir step son’s violent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

Either OP is full of it and this is an excuse to play victim, or there’s something problematic in OP’s history that she’s withholding. Either way, her credibility is suspect here.

You obviously have very little experience with the Court system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

That will become your home. This is more than weed, I would say he is into much harder drugs than weed. He needs therapy and help but it will be a long stressful road.

Its a tough place for you to be in. If he moves back in for me it would be under the proviso that he is kicked out after the first violent episode to protect any younger children in the home.

Can he be put in drug rehab between the mother's house and yours?

[Anonymous]

OP, you must absolutely not allow him in your young child's life.

I have seen this exact scenario play out and the youngest one influenced by the brother became a drug addict as well.

[Anonymous]

People don't OD on weed. This is serious stuff he's taking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'd absolutely die on this hill. No way he'd be coming to my home (esp. with a young child) at this point. If DH would leave me, I guess I'd have to live with that. I'd start getting your ducks in a row and not waiting for things to happen.

This.

I just went to a funeral of a friend. She had normal, middle class family until her oldest son got into drugs. Fast forward five years, he got her addicted, the youngest DC addicted, the family fell apart and he shot her, his mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DSS is addicted and is also taking advantage of everybody. He’s 21 and he should be in rehab and therapy for underlying mental issues, or working, if he’s not in college.

Substance abusers don’t get better because people are super-nice to them and give them homes. Who would want to change or get a job if mom and now dad are providing cable, free meals, and a warm bed? This is what enabling is all about. He needs to get some ultimatums, and to see what it’s like to support himself in the real world.

Get him an efficiency with a month-to-month lease. There are plenty of these in this area. Pay his rent as long as he’s in rehab. I have heard Kolmac does outpatient rehab with a mental health component, although I have no experience with them. If he won’t do rehab, then you let the lease expire and he can either get a job and pay his own rent, or he lives in a friend’s basement.

[Anonymous]

AlAnon will be a huge help. Go everyday for a few weeks, seriously

[Anonymous]

I would no more allow him to live there than I would would allow rattle snakes to roam freely around house! Kid is over 18 and you owe him nothing. I let my substance abuser move on with me and lived to regret doing so. She was both drinking and drunk every night as well as using drugs and brought a drug dealer into house. Love
Fortunately, I had never charged her rent and didn't have to evict her but just kicked her out. Also, I have never felt guilty.