Step-son Moving Back In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that his son is a problem at the moment. I get that you don't care. But try to see if from your DH's perspective. This is his child whom he loves just as much (if not more) than the child you two have. If this was YOUR child you'd be singing a different tune, I bet. His son needs help. He will not get it on the street. You can try to come to terms with this or divorce him.

This "child" (20 year old, unemployed adult with an untreated mental illness) is refusing treatment and is violent. Is moving in with his dad, stepmom and younger half sibling considered "help" when he refuses professional help? I think if he were in therapy and actively working through his issues, all of DCUM would be telling OP to do everything she could for her stepson.

OP here. If he lets us talk to his therapist and come to an understanding of appropriate treatment, and he’s compliant, and he passes drug tests, I’d be on board with a trial at our house. I’ve said that from the beginning.

I’m sorry but I have to agree that you are insane to be even considering allowing this under any circumstances with a minor child in the house. (Your husband obviously is too, but he’s not the one writing for advice) Go IMMEDIATELY to a family lawyer and figure out what you have to do in order to prevent your husband from getting any kind of custody while he’s allowing a violent, psychotic drug abuser in his house. You HAVE to protect your child’s physical safety. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and shake you!

[Anonymous]

Think about how your DH talks about his ex wife provoking his son into being violent. Pay attention when he blames her for his son’s bad behavior.

When his son moves into your house, you will be the brand new scapegoat who needlessly provoked his poor son into breaking your windows or kicking the door or maybe even punching you in the face. Your black eye, or broken arm will be your fault for provoking his fragile son. The more his son abuses you, the more your DH will blame YOU.

Your marriage is over. You’re just deciding how much sh*t you need to experience before you get out.

[Anonymous]

You need to help the son.

You all created this mess... divorce, new wife, new kid, new family.

Being traded back and forth for years.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what a cluster of advice. Blended "families" are the WORST.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that his son is a problem at the moment. I get that you don't care. But try to see if from your DH's perspective. This is his child whom he loves just as much (if not more) than the child you two have. If this was YOUR child you'd be singing a different tune, I bet. His son needs help. He will not get it on the street. You can try to come to terms with this or divorce him.

This "child" (20 year old, unemployed adult with an untreated mental illness) is refusing treatment and is violent. Is moving in with his dad, stepmom and younger half sibling considered "help" when he refuses professional help? I think if he were in therapy and actively working through his issues, all of DCUM would be telling OP to do everything she could for her stepson.

OP here. If he lets us talk to his therapist and come to an understanding of appropriate treatment, and he’s compliant, and he passes drug tests, I’d be on board with a trial at our house. I’ve said that from the beginning.

I’m sorry but I have to agree that you are insane to be even considering allowing this under any circumstances with a minor child in the house. (Your husband obviously is too, but he’s not the one writing for advice) Go IMMEDIATELY to a family lawyer and figure out what you have to do in order to prevent your husband from getting any kind of custody while he’s allowing a violent, psychotic drug abuser in his house. You HAVE to protect your child’s physical safety. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and shake you!

Note that now you have options. Once stepson moves into your house, your options are almost nothing.

Getting the son to leave involuntarily becomes super difficult or next to impossible. Your child is in danger. YOU are in danger. Plus if you divorce it will be that much harder to protect your daughter. You need to wake up OP!

[Anonymous]

We went through something similar. The dynamic between my husband and his son and his ex-wife and his son is different (not necessarily better or worse, but different), so it was worthwhile to try a switch. Our son (well, my step-son) really needed therapy for dual diagnosis--mental health issues coupled with drug addiction. That sort of program is hard to find. But once we found one, we told him he had to go. He refused. Then we waited for an outburst. We would have called the cops and used that as the precipitating event, but he texted a threat. We told him we would use that to have him involuntary committed if he did not go to the facility we had spoken about. That threat (which we were prepared to carry through on) worked. (As an aside, the in patient, dual-diagnosis treatment was for us a god send, but I realize it doesn't always work that well.)
In the meantime, I had a backup plan for our youngest child--basically, if an outburst broke out, we were heading to a hotel, no matter when, and staying until the situation was resolved. My husband was responsible for resolving it. (I had also identified some nearby airbnbs in case I needed to stay for slightly longer.)
My calling our older child my son above was not a mistake--I just thought all this through from the perspective of having two kids whose needs (very serious, very real) had to be dealt with. I did not think of it as having one step-kid and one "real" kid. That's true even though I didn't get to make a lot of decisions concerning our son, and had to leave that, ultimately, to his parents. Being a step parent in situations like this is all the responsibility with none of the authority, which causes enormous stress (on top of the fact that you're supporting a spouse who's in the thick of things himself). Try to take care of yourself and try to find someone outside the family you can talk to. (I never really did, and it was the loneliest time of my life.) Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went through something similar. The dynamic between my husband and his son and his ex-wife and his son is different (not necessarily better or worse, but different), so it was worthwhile to try a switch. Our son (well, my step-son) really needed therapy for dual diagnosis--mental health issues coupled with drug addiction. That sort of program is hard to find. But once we found one, we told him he had to go. He refused. Then we waited for an outburst. We would have called the cops and used that as the precipitating event, but he texted a threat. We told him we would use that to have him involuntary committed if he did not go to the facility we had spoken about. That threat (which we were prepared to carry through on) worked. (As an aside, the in patient, dual-diagnosis treatment was for us a god send, but I realize it doesn't always work that well.)
In the meantime, I had a backup plan for our youngest child--basically, if an outburst broke out, we were heading to a hotel, no matter when, and staying until the situation was resolved. My husband was responsible for resolving it. (I had also identified some nearby airbnbs in case I needed to stay for slightly longer.)
My calling our older child my son above was not a mistake--I just thought all this through from the perspective of having two kids whose needs (very serious, very real) had to be dealt with. I did not think of it as having one step-kid and one "real" kid. That's true even though I didn't get to make a lot of decisions concerning our son, and had to leave that, ultimately, to his parents. Being a step parent in situations like this is all the responsibility with none of the authority, which causes enormous stress (on top of the fact that you're supporting a spouse who's in the thick of things himself). Try to take care of yourself and try to find someone outside the family you can talk to. (I never really did, and it was the loneliest time of my life.) Hang in there.

OP here. Thank you so much. I feel like you really get it. If I had to guess, I really think he needs inpatient dual diagnosis treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

[Anonymous]

OP I just want to say I’m sorry. We are living the exact same situation except it’s going ok at his mothers, mostly. I don’t know what I’d do if DH wants him to move in here. I also have a younger daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

OP here. I’ve actually done the first three things already for my price of mind. My younger kid has been in therapy for two months now.

We’ve had years of broken behavior contracts...Honestly, I think that’s why my husband has held out as long as he has. Because he does realize that holding DSS accountable for the conditions to come live here is the right thing to do. But, as the PP put it, stepparents have very little ultimate say in these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about how your DH talks about his ex wife provoking his son into being violent. Pay attention when he blames her for his son’s bad behavior.

When his son moves into your house, you will be the brand new scapegoat who needlessly provoked his poor son into breaking your windows or kicking the door or maybe even punching you in the face. Your black eye, or broken arm will be your fault for provoking his fragile son. The more his son abuses you, the more your DH will blame YOU.

Your marriage is over. You’re just deciding how much sh*t you need to experience before you get out.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

Would that have prevented any of the violence against his mom?

A dog probably would have. Labs are great do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

Would that have prevented any of the violence against his mom?

A dog probably would have. Labs are great do this.

OP here. I have a dog. But, I also want to be clear that I did say it all short of person on person physical violence. I’m not naive that things escalate, but it wouldn’t be right to give the impression that he has been physically violent to her person. Just property at this point. (Not trying to minimize, but It’s the truth at this point)