Step-son Moving Back In

[Anonymous]

NP here. And one, unfortunately, with plenty of experience in this area. We, too, avoided the issue with DC. Paid for another year of college because we believed that DC would get it together--and it was easier to have DC out of the house. Paid rent on a series of apartments as DC got evicted, etc.--thinking all they needed was a boost. Brought DC home when there was no where else--endured lying, stealing, threats and tantrums. Somehow managed to overlook the chaos and suffering in the home and for the other kids. Rationalized ignoring the advice of the family therapist (DC won't make it--what if they wind up dead?!), not realizing that what we were doing wouldn't change that path--we were just helping DC get there quicker. Finally, I had it--a screaming fight, being hit, you name it. I offered two choices--go to treatment or leave. DC chose to leave, but came back a short while later to attack and wreck the place. We called the police and DC was admitted inpatient. Begged to come home. We offered the same choice, treatment or leave. DC eventually chose treatment, at a location far from home.

OP, I know it is hard. But your focus and your husband's focus must be on the needs of your child and of yourselves. I hope your DH's XW can be brought into the circle of understanding and support. The only way that your SS will begin the process of recovery is to close off the avenues of enabling and denial that support the addiction and mental illness.

My DC has been clean and in recovery for more than 4 years.

I am rooting for you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

Would that have prevented any of the violence against his mom?

A dog probably would have. Labs are great do this.

OP here. I have a dog. But, I also want to be clear that I did say it all short of person on person physical violence. I’m not naive that things escalate, but it wouldn’t be right to give the impression that he has been physically violent to her person. Just property at this point. (Not trying to minimize, but It’s the truth at this point)

I get it OP. My point was that even the most drugged out addict is the LEAST likely to be violent with his own mother. Whatever his boundaries are with his mom, it will be worse with you. If he was breaking stuff out of anger at his mom, it would be reasonable that he would do worse around you.

So, my question remains: Do you think any of the precautions you took would have prevented the type of violent behavior that happened at his mom’s house? Probably not, right? So why would it have an effect at your house?

PS. I hope you have a medium to large breed dog. Just sayin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

Would that have prevented any of the violence against his mom?

A dog probably would have. Labs are great do this.

OP here. I have a dog. But, I also want to be clear that I did say it all short of person on person physical violence. I’m not naive that things escalate, but it wouldn’t be right to give the impression that he has been physically violent to her person. Just property at this point. (Not trying to minimize, but It’s the truth at this point)

I get it OP. My point was that even the most drugged out addict is the LEAST likely to be violent with his own mother. Whatever his boundaries are with his mom, it will be worse with you. If he was breaking stuff out of anger at his mom, it would be reasonable that he would do worse around you.

So, my question remains: Do you think any of the precautions you took would have prevented the type of violent behavior that happened at his mom’s house? Probably not, right? So why would it have an effect at your house?

PS. I hope you have a medium to large breed dog. Just sayin

If it's mental illness, that's not true. It's very often the people they are closest to who are most at risk. I was never in fear of my physical safety around my step-son, rages and all, but I always worried that he would kill his father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

Would that have prevented any of the violence against his mom?

A dog probably would have. Labs are great do this.

OP here. I have a dog. But, I also want to be clear that I did say it all short of person on person physical violence. I’m not naive that things escalate, but it wouldn’t be right to give the impression that he has been physically violent to her person. Just property at this point. (Not trying to minimize, but It’s the truth at this point)

I get it OP. My point was that even the most drugged out addict is the LEAST likely to be violent with his own mother. Whatever his boundaries are with his mom, it will be worse with you. If he was breaking stuff out of anger at his mom, it would be reasonable that he would do worse around you.

So, my question remains: Do you think any of the precautions you took would have prevented the type of violent behavior that happened at his mom’s house? Probably not, right? So why would it have an effect at your house?

PS. I hope you have a medium to large breed dog. Just sayin

If it's mental illness, that's not true. It's very often the people they are closest to who are most at risk. I was never in fear of my physical safety around my step-son, rages and all, but I always worried that he would kill his father.

PP here just to add, as a PSA: most people who are mentally ill are non-violent. I'm talking about the small percentage that are. (In our case, in fact, it appears that the violence was brought on by medication prescribed by a doctor that induced rages; once off the medication, the rages stopped.)

[Anonymous]

^ I disagree with you. It’s a matter of opportunity. Addicts are most likely to end up with mom after everyone else has kicked them out. Now OP is in the situation where he was ranging with his mom, and is getting kicked out. OP is now the house of last resort and he doesn’t have the maternal emotional restraint when he rages against OP.

In this case he’s definitely more likely to be violent against OP than his mom. In general most stepkids find their stepparents more annoying than their bio parents. OP will have infinite opportunities to set him off. And she won’t benefit from the emotional taboo against hitting your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to help the son.

You all created this mess... divorce, new wife, new kid, new family.

Being traded back and forth for years.

Exactly. But some of these posters are so far up their asses they will never see this. Plus i don't know what monster just wants to throw away his child like they are suggesting.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. Drugs/alcohol and mental illness are very tough to navigate. We've experienced a somewhat similar situation with SIL. She had basically been enabled all her life. She ended up facing consequences through the legal system like jail time and losing custody of her children, but she always had a soft place to land with MIL. Once SIL was released from jail most recently, she wanted to move in with MIL because she has burned every bridge and has literally nowhere else to go. We urged MIL to come up with a list of ground rules (basically, a one strike you're out policy), but MIL didn't think she would be able to follow through on the consequence (kicking her out) so she didn't lay down a list of ground rules. We also warned MIL that allowing SIL to live in her house would be SIL establishing residence in the house, and it would be difficult to remove her from the premises if she started with her unstable and dangerous behavior again. MIL figured she'd just call the cops and that would be it.

SIL is now in her late 40s and living with MIL. After a brief honeymoon period, she is now bleeding MIL dry financially, emotionally and physically. She's emotionally and financially abusing MIL, but MIL thinks it's her duty as a mother to endure it. SIL doesn't have a relationship with her siblings or my children because of all of this. We also don't have the same relationship with MIL because we won't go visit her with SIL there and MIL feels sad about that, but she has made her choice. The family is completely dysfunctional now.

I tell you this because your future could be this or worse if your husband wants to take in your step son without professional help and crystal clear boundaries he's able to stick to. At the very least, you and your husband need to meet with a family therapist who is well versed in addict behavior to help you navigate what those boundaries should be. It is really not going to work out to just wing it and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

He can come for a set period of time, while he looks for a job. If he gets a job and is an,e to maintain it, you agree to extend his stay X amount of time longer until he has found a place to live. All of this ONLY after he goes to rehab.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

This is utter insanity. If you fear for your safety and the safety enough to get rid of the utility knives, you have your answer right there. What on earth makes you think that this guy won't break a window, which he has a demonstrated record of doing, and then use one of the shards of glass to threaten you or your child?

You have used every opportunity to in this thread to offer excuses why removing yourself and your daughter from this frightening situation just won't work, and balking at every perfectly reasonable suggestion offered by numerous PPs around getting your young child out of this situation. For god's sake, your husband has told you flat out he will chose his son over you and your daughter. You know everything to need to know. Take some pride in yourself and provide some protection and stability for your child. Even if the son doesn't physically threaten your child, you will be looking forward to years of a stolen childhood for her, being subjected to such dysfunction.

I'm not even a religious person, but all I can say is that I'm praying for your daughter. She is at the bottom of the list of EVERY one of you adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The younger sibling in the house should not be exposed to the violent outbursts.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to help the son.

You all created this mess... divorce, new wife, new kid, new family.

Being traded back and forth for years.

Exactly. But some of these posters are so far up their asses they will never see this. Plus i don't know what monster just wants to throw away his child like they are suggesting.

The problem with this approach is that if the addict is comfortable and shielded from consequence, he/she will be unlikely to want to change anything. You cannot force an adult child to get help and rehab really only works if the addict wants to stop using. You know, that whole rock-bottom thing, there is something to it.

[Anonymous]

OP your obligation here is to protect your child. Do not allow a violent addict to move in with your child. Even if you lose your husband. Your husband needs a wake up call from the therapist that it is NOT ok to expose your child to this. Document, document, document so your DH gets no visitation time around the DSS. Visitation elsewhere. Heck I'd let him have visitation in my home if it means keeping my younger kid away from the DSS. DO NOT allow this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I’d get out right now, but I’d definitely have a bag packed, valuables stored offsite, and know where a weapon is in each room. I’d also consult a lawyer and find out whatever you need to know in terms of custody of your younger kid and I’d be seeing a councilor to help navigate the change.. I’d also have husband spell out rules plus consequences (no point in having rules without them) and I’d insist on making sure kid knows rules...no violence, help around the house, have a job, etc and have him sign a contract saying this is formX time, these are the rules, this is how he contributes to the household and his future, this is how much money he needs to save to move out in X time etc.

I’d play hard ball or get out.

Don’t get a weapon. Get a dog.

It’s fairly easy for a weapon to be used against you - especially in s situation like this where stepmom just wants the violence to stop and stepson is super angry, on drugs and has no self control. A dog will sense the threat and take him down. Maybe even scare him.

Op here. Ack! I was thinking of identify possible weapons so they could be secured or avoided. I got rid of a utility knives, moved tools to the locked garage, etc.

This is utter insanity. If you fear for your safety and the safety enough to get rid of the utility knives, you have your answer right there. What on earth makes you think that this guy won't break a window, which he has a demonstrated record of doing, and then use one of the shards of glass to threaten you or your child?

You have used every opportunity to in this thread to offer excuses why removing yourself and your daughter from this frightening situation just won't work, and balking at every perfectly reasonable suggestion offered by numerous PPs around getting your young child out of this situation. For god's sake, your husband has told you flat out he will chose his son over you and your daughter. You know everything to need to know. Take some pride in yourself and provide some protection and stability for your child. Even if the son doesn't physically threaten your child, you will be looking forward to years of a stolen childhood for her, being subjected to such dysfunction.

I'm not even a religious person, but all I can say is that I'm praying for your daughter. She is at the bottom of the list of EVERY one of you adults.

+1. If something happens to that little girl, the law will not take kindly to you and your husband knowing that you brought a violent addict into the house. "But I his all the knives!" won't cut it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why OP thinks she will lose custody of her daughter if her husband leaves over this.

It’s a good excuse to do nothing. In fact (falsely) convincing herself of this probably makes her feel noble - as if she’s staying to protect her daughter when it’s actively putting her in danger.