Step-son Moving Back In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our neighbor went through something similar with his son. Mom did kick him out and neighbor saw no other alternative but to invite him in. Four years later the diagnoses is that he is bipolar. Things are better now. You don't want to know about the 4 year inbetween though.

OP here. There’s a nonzero chance that’s our path.

[Anonymous]

It is almost certain there is an underlying psych issue here that needs to be focused upon much before the weed. I am not trying to blow off the weed but tons of kids his age smoke a LOT and are perfectly functional and non-violent and able to perform in school.

[Anonymous]

OP yet again.

I think, where I’m landing, is that I need to focus on keeping things as safe and stable as possible for my kid. And that might include stopping the conflict between dh and me on this issue. At some point, if it’s happening I have to accept I can only control my reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our neighbor went through something similar with his son. Mom did kick him out and neighbor saw no other alternative but to invite him in. Four years later the diagnoses is that he is bipolar. Things are better now. You don't want to know about the 4 year inbetween though.

OP here. There’s a nonzero chance that’s our path.

Prepare yourself to take your minor child and move out.

[Anonymous]

I get that his son is a problem at the moment. I get that you don't care. But try to see if from your DH's perspective. This is his child whom he loves just as much (if not more) than the child you two have. If this was YOUR child you'd be singing a different tune, I bet. His son needs help. He will not get it on the street. You can try to come to terms with this or divorce him.

[Anonymous]

If the son moves in you need to take your daughter and move out. You will not lose your daughter over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t do it. Protect your younger child. Let your husband leave you. Help get him into inpatient treatment. Anything but moving in. Your entire family will be at risk.

I come from a family of addicts and the next generation is following suit. I watch your situation play out all the time in my family. Cars get stolen and totaled. Addicts steal their families blind. You can’t fix him. The only thing you can do is give him a roof and food and money. Even if you think you aren’t giving money, your video gaming system, TVs, electronics, cash and jewelry will start to disappear. Anything of value, no matter how minute, can be pawned or sold. And then there is the violence.

This.

There’s no way I’d expose my child to violence. I might give the ss one single chance, but if he didn’t follow every single one of my rules, I’d tell my husband it’s him or us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t do it. Protect your younger child. Let your husband leave you. Help get him into inpatient treatment. Anything but moving in. Your entire family will be at risk.

I come from a family of addicts and the next generation is following suit. I watch your situation play out all the time in my family. Cars get stolen and totaled. Addicts steal their families blind. You can’t fix him. The only thing you can do is give him a roof and food and money. Even if you think you aren’t giving money, your video gaming system, TVs, electronics, cash and jewelry will start to disappear. Anything of value, no matter how minute, can be pawned or sold. And then there is the violence.

This.

There’s no way I’d expose my child to violence. I might give the ss one single chance, but if he didn’t follow every single one of my rules, I’d tell my husband it’s him or us.

But this is HIS child. Some of you are completely clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.... I should add, things are just short of personally violent at his moms. Broken doors, window glass, screaming, cursing, etc. my husband feels that it would be different here.

Wait?!

Is the 20 year old breaking stuff at his mom’s house??!!? If so that’s a bad situation for her and will become hell on earth for you. A drug addict who is borderline violent with his own mother will have no problem pushing his stepmom around. How d is your child? Inviting his brother to live with you could easily turn violent for him too. Personally this would be my hill to die on. No way.

Figure out another living situation - you’re going to have to pay up to find him an apartment or halfway house or something. But those are the two options: he terrorizes you and your child in your house OR you pay for him to live somewhere else. Either way it will cost you because there’s no way his dad will let his so become homeless no matter how much of a screwup he is. The other option is divorce. Sometimes all the choices suck.

I have suggested a halfway house - no...
Too many bad influences. I have suggested renting him an efficiently.....
No, he will be worse off our of sight.

If I push things and my husband moves out, I could lose custody of my daughter. The situation sucks.

My husband honestly believes he won’t be violent here. (He and ex don’t get along)

How would you lose custody of your daughter if your husband moves out?

Also think about your husband’s attitude. He’s making excuses for his son being violent to his mother! He clearly has blinders on when it comes to his son. He WILL downplay any incidents that happen with you or your daughter.

If you get divorced you could easily ask a judge that you daughter not stay in a house with drug users. Offer as much visitation as your DH wants, but insist on random drug tests and clean results before your daughter is allowed to live with her dad. This is really reasonable and just about any judge would allow it. Thing is, I doubt the son would go for it. You would not lose custody of your daughter for providing her with a drug free home - that’s insane that you think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don’t do it. Protect your younger child. Let your husband leave you. Help get him into inpatient treatment. Anything but moving in. Your entire family will be at risk.

I come from a family of addicts and the next generation is following suit. I watch your situation play out all the time in my family. Cars get stolen and totaled. Addicts steal their families blind. You can’t fix him. The only thing you can do is give him a roof and food and money. Even if you think you aren’t giving money, your video gaming system, TVs, electronics, cash and jewelry will start to disappear. Anything of value, no matter how minute, can be pawned or sold. And then there is the violence.

This.

There’s no way I’d expose my child to violence. I might give the ss one single chance, but if he didn’t follow every single one of my rules, I’d tell my husband it’s him or us.

But this is HIS child. Some of you are completely clueless.

Yeah, he’s also his mother’s child and she is kicking him out. I don’t think a stepmom has more parental obligations to a drug-addicted stepson than his own mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP yet again.

I think, where I’m landing, is that I need to focus on keeping things as safe and stable as possible for my kid. And that might include stopping the conflict between dh and me on this issue. At some point, if it’s happening I have to accept I can only control my reaction.

What’s the plan if he hits you?

What’s the plan I he hits your daughter?

What’s the plan if he breaks stuff and terrifies you?

Do not let your husband get away with blind optimism. Tell him you are afraid and you want to know what he wants to do IF those things happen. Tell him you need to have a plan in place otherwise it’s too terrifying .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of confused about this all being prompted by marijuana use. It really doesn’t make much sense.

+1 Overdose and three days of psychosis is ... not something that is caused by marijuana. This is either some Reefer Madness nonsense trolling or OP has no idea what drugs this kid is actually on.

IDK about "overdose" but it is possible for pot to trigger psychosis in a vulnerable person. My own bipolar diagnosis came about when I was smoking weed occasionally after not using it for a few years and it triggered a very lengthy break from reality. There were some other things going on, but I have no doubt that the pot was among the triggers. Since then (a long time ago) have had stretches of very severe depression and/or anxiety but never a psychotic or manic episode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that his son is a problem at the moment. I get that you don't care. But try to see if from your DH's perspective. This is his child whom he loves just as much (if not more) than the child you two have. If this was YOUR child you'd be singing a different tune, I bet. His son needs help. He will not get it on the street. You can try to come to terms with this or divorce him.

This "child" (20 year old, unemployed adult with an untreated mental illness) is refusing treatment and is violent. Is moving in with his dad, stepmom and younger half sibling considered "help" when he refuses professional help? I think if he were in therapy and actively working through his issues, all of DCUM would be telling OP to do everything she could for her stepson.

[Anonymous]

You are putting your daughter in a terrible unsafe situation. YOU are doing that. YOU are prioritizing staying married over your own safety AND hers.

Her father doesn’t care. Do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that his son is a problem at the moment. I get that you don't care. But try to see if from your DH's perspective. This is his child whom he loves just as much (if not more) than the child you two have. If this was YOUR child you'd be singing a different tune, I bet. His son needs help. He will not get it on the street. You can try to come to terms with this or divorce him.

This "child" (20 year old, unemployed adult with an untreated mental illness) is refusing treatment and is violent. Is moving in with his dad, stepmom and younger half sibling considered "help" when he refuses professional help? I think if he were in therapy and actively working through his issues, all of DCUM would be telling OP to do everything she could for her stepson.

OP here. If he lets us talk to his therapist and come to an understanding of appropriate treatment, and he’s compliant, and he passes drug tests, I’d be on board with a trial at our house. I’ve said that from the beginning.