How to explain to MIL why she doesn’t get to visit as much as my my mom does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither your mother nor your MIL are servants. They’re family. Try looking at it that way.

Seriously
Wow!!
Your mom comes because she is a housekeeper.
I guess if she got tired of that she would not be allowed to visit either.
Piece of work!!

You're insane. If her mom decided she couldn't help anymore, she would be invited every other month - just like MIL is. That's the OPPOSITE of cutting off access to the grandkids.

It sounds like the parents are very committed to having the grandparents in their lives - hence even if the visit is a lot of work - they still make time for it every other month.

Some of you are truly self-centered selfish narcissistic harpies.
The frequency of visits is predicated on the amount of so-called help the grandparents are giving , not you know we’re not available, we’re out of town, not the house is being renovated or it’s a mess, or we’ve got other company that weekend
, Or we just don’t feel like having company right now. It is solely predicated on will you help me run errands and do dishes.
Some of you hoes act like you’re the first person to drop a baby out Of your vajayjay.Oh my god it’s so much work my mother who spent all of her youth raising me and my siblings and caring for her own family of children is now required to help me run my household as payment for allowing her to develop a relationship, an emotional relationship, a familial relationship with my kids because they belong to me and they are so much work I need them to give me so much help.
GROW UP !!!

THE.OP.IS.FAKE. - stop taking the bait!

You are right
My Bad

[Anonymous]

Op I’m sorry for all the trolls on this thread. Also, I’m sure you are actively trying to NOT mention all the times your mom comes to visit. But your MIL is probably fishing for that information from you and DH. It’s an annoying situation.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is a troll.

Why is she an awful person if she doesn't want to host MIL more than once every other months. That means out of 8 weekends, she has a houseguest who doesn't help AND is critical of OP! Who would put up with that nonsense?

Maybe OP is too nice to be perfectly honest. Maybe her mom is wonderful to be around and is pleasant and helpful, to everyone. Maybe her MIL is just unpleasant and nobody wants to be around her, let alone someone taking care of a baby and a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP is a troll.

Why is she an awful person if she doesn't want to host MIL more than once every other months. That means out of 8 weekends, she has a houseguest who doesn't help AND is critical of OP! Who would put up with that nonsense?

Maybe OP is too nice to be perfectly honest. Maybe her mom is wonderful to be around and is pleasant and helpful, to everyone. Maybe her MIL is just unpleasant and nobody wants to be around her, let alone someone taking care of a baby and a toddler.

Then why has she not returned to the thread she started?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

I am obese. I can go to a park or a zoo. Seriously, you don’t invite fat people to things because you assume they can’t move their bodies at all? Just because a heavyset grandmother can’t run after a toddler doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy an outing to the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

I am obese. I can go to a park or a zoo. Seriously, you don’t invite fat people to things because you assume they can’t move their bodies at all? Just because a heavyset grandmother can’t run after a toddler doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy an outing to the park.

Like a lot of things, there is a spectrum of obesity, if you will.

If you are too obese to run after my 2yo, you are not taking my 2yo anywhere unsupervised. Because that would not be safe. If you can safely watch my child, that would be so appreciated. But I'm a realist, and if it's not safe to leave my child with you, it doesn't matter if you are my sister, my mom, my aunt, or my MIL. It's not happening. And if you are so obese that you can't help with housework and child care, then perhaps you should not visit frequently until my children are old enough that we are in a better place to host-host visitors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your dh okay with your mom basically living with you?

OP. Grow up and raise your own kids instead of relying on your Mom to do it. Your MIL shouldn’t be penalized because she can’t serve as your third nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not going to jump on you, but you really should re-read your post. I am the same way-I could have written this in that I am often blind/selfish to others’ feelings when I can only see how things benefit me. Admitting that to myself was very hard and I’m honestly not sure how I got to be that person. But I am working on it and can see more clearly now how I sound and act. Although maybe not-notice how this is all about me

What I’m trying to say is that you need to take a step back and honestly realize that you are viewing both your mom and your MIL in a transactional sense. Nowhere in your post do you acknowledge that MIL is upset she is missing out on bonding with her grandkids and wants more. Nor do you acknowledge that your mom is also building a wonderful relationship with her grandkids in between working for you. You seem stuck on what they can give you in return for access to your children. You are headed for a lonely future if you don’t fix your thinking. MIL shouldn’t have to be more helpful than your mom to have more time with her grandkids.

This is great advice that OP won’t take - she’s entitled and bratty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m not going to jump on you, but you really should re-read your post. I am the same way-I could have written this in that I am often blind/selfish to others’ feelings when I can only see how things benefit me. Admitting that to myself was very hard and I’m honestly not sure how I got to be that person. But I am working on it and can see more clearly now how I sound and act. Although maybe not-notice how this is all about me

What I’m trying to say is that you need to take a step back and honestly realize that you are viewing both your mom and your MIL in a transactional sense. Nowhere in your post do you acknowledge that MIL is upset she is missing out on bonding with her grandkids and wants more. Nor do you acknowledge that your mom is also building a wonderful relationship with her grandkids in between working for you. You seem stuck on what they can give you in return for access to your children. You are headed for a lonely future if you don’t fix your thinking. MIL shouldn’t have to be more helpful than your mom to have more time with her grandkids.

This is great advice that OP won’t take - she’s entitled and bratty.

OP won’t take it because she is a troll. Not a real post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TROLL. OP never came back. She hasn't answered a single question.

Either that or just an entitled millennial who grew tired of hearing how selfish she is and never came back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TROLL. OP never came back. She hasn't answered a single question.

Either that or just an entitled millennial who grew tired of hearing how selfish she is and never came back.

Ugh. Of course OP never followed up on her original post. You're so unkind.

OP, don't listen to the angry mob. I've been where you are right now and I support you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never fix this problem.
The key is to stop telling MIL about your mom being there. DH has to avoid this as well. This will possibly help.
Start inviting MIL on outing. "MIL we are going to the zoo on Saturday and would love for you to join us!" "MIL we are going to the park on Thursday morning why don't you meet us there?"
Basically invite her to things so she has the opportunity to be part of her grandchildren's lives. If her weight prohibits this that is not on you.

Why would anybody invite someone to an activity what will be a physical hardship for them. That idea is so cruel.

Because she is complaining that she doesn't get to spend more time with her grandkids. I have a mother like this. The only thing that ever got her to stop complaining was to inundate her with opportunities. My coping mechanism was to include activities that she would have to turn down. This way it wasn't me not offering but rather her saying no. We also invite her to things that she can and does take part of. If you have nice normal parents it is hard to understand how stressful and draining it can be to have a parent or in-law that is manipulative and/or like to play the martyr. In response to your comment that it is cruel to invite some to something they can't go to..no it is not cruel to invite them. It is cruel to constantly complain and criticize your DIL.

This is actually brilliant! I think it's wonderful that OP's kids have such a great relationship with their maternal grandmother. My mother was not nearly as helpful and could be actively cruel to me at times. OP, you are very lucky - cherish that relationship! Regarding the MIL, it's not OP's fault she has a weight issue that limits her activities.

[Anonymous]

Why does your MIL know how often your mom visits? Stop telling her and posting about it on social media and maybe she wouldn't notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your MIL know how often your mom visits? Stop telling her and posting about it on social media and maybe she wouldn't notice.

Her MIL won’t notice that OP’s mom is there 3/4 of the month?

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is being hard on OP. It’s not that she doesn’t allow MIL to visit, it’s that MIL doesn’t feel like she gets to visit as often. When OP’s mom “visits”, she isn’t just visiting but helping out with childcare, etc. so she comes more often because she’s “working”.

When I’m a grandmother, I plan to be similar to OP’s mom if I am able to, and if my DCs want me there. I don’t get the sense that OP is taking advantage, or making her mom do anything she doesn’t want to do.

MIL sees it as very black and white-she gets more time with grandkids than I do. It’s not black and white. Each relationship is different.

OP, your husband really needs to handle this. He just needs to tell his mom that your mom is there helping with childcare, she’s not on vacation.