My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible—how do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some things you can’t control and this is really one of them.

+1. This. She’s 26, not 6. You have to let her make her own choices. If her fiancé is a good guy, that’s the main thing. Your just going to push her away if you say anything.

This exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of things:

1. You had their entire relationship to speak up about the bigotry of his family and you didn’t. You’ve never spoken up regarding the hateful things her future FIL says. Are you sure you didn’t raise her condone bigotry? Because what you’ve admitted shows you, yourself, are a coward who condones bigotry.

2. You’re focusing on her husband and in laws, but you need to admit that our choices reflect who we are. Your daughter’s moral compass was skewed long before this. That is why she chose who she did and is adopting their views.

It’s all a bit late at this point. This is where cowardice gets you. If you push back on her demands you all get along, you risk losing her and access to your future children. I think that, to the degree you intend to be a good influence on future grandchildren (as opposed to teaching them to silently support racism and hatred, the way you taught your daughter by example), then you should keep quiet and focus on building a strong relationship with your grandkids. You missed the mark with your daughter.

Assume, much?
God, you're a sanctimonious asshole.

[Anonymous]

I've got a different take: racists and homophobic people can be good parents, good grandparents, and even good people in many respects.

I've had to interact with quite a few. While I abhor their views on race and sexual orientation, they are often kind, giving, and well-intentioned in many areas of their lives.

So--do I shun them? Except in extreme cases, no.

I view them as I would adulterers: people whose (terrible) flaws cause pain to others, but not people who are wholly defined by their flaws.

When racism/homophobia come up, I civilly but seriously disagree, and often discuss.

I won't claim to have saved any souls, but over time most have toned down the rhetoric and become more nuanced in how they express their views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.

Good.

Your leftist bullshit is just that: bullshit.

You sound weak...she will do well to eliminate that influence from her children's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.


How did you raise a open minded DD when you call “these poisonous people “ who do not align with your liberal beliefs?


Unfortunately you will be unhappy with your dd’s in-laws no matter what.

[Anonymous]

OP - the way you cope is you need to be much less intense about this -- and your DD needs to too. Both of you need to have much lower expectations. You haven't "lost her". That's being ridiculous. DD can not wish to have everyone be "one big happy family". That's being ridiculous. As to how these people will be as Grandparents, that's in the future. You do no good obsessing about that now. You manage the same way you manage being around other people you don't like. Your comment re: the family being permanently intertwined with your own sounds a little odd. They are no reflection on you. You need to work on acceptance that you can't control everything -- including your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got a different take: racists and homophobic people can be good parents, good grandparents, and even good people in many respects.

I've had to interact with quite a few. While I abhor their views on race and sexual orientation, they are often kind, giving, and well-intentioned in many areas of their lives.

So--do I shun them? Except in extreme cases, no.

I view them as I would adulterers: people whose (terrible) flaws cause pain to others, but not people who are wholly defined by their flaws.

When racism/homophobia come up, I civilly but seriously disagree, and often discuss.

I won't claim to have saved any souls, but over time most have toned down the rhetoric and become more nuanced in how they express their views.

You must be straight and white. Must be nice to be able to ignore bigoted behavior because it is not directed at you. If you have any non white or gay friends in your life, Please consider how your silence hurts them. But, with your head in sand attitude, you probably surround yourself with only other straight white people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is like your DD. His wife is great but her dad (ex-LEO) is pretty racist. And of course supports Trump. I see him rubbing off on my brother over the years in some ways but thankfully he hasn’t become racist himself. Just keep up the relationship with your DD and SIL as much as possible so they have a counterbalance. If time spent with you is a positive experience they will hopefully see you often. But yeah I’d find ways to limit the time I spent with them myself.

Wow. Do you people hear what you are saying? Trump supporters=racist, bigots etc ? Unbelievable. Too many hypocrites here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some things you can’t control and this is really one of them.

+1. This. She’s 26, not 6. You have to let her make her own choices. If her fiancé is a good guy, that’s the main thing. Your just going to push her away if you say anything.

Exactly. By 26 you may not have everything all figured out, but you know your own values at the very least. Either she recognizes that her in laws do not share her values or she agrees with them.

I'm sorry, but there is a 3rd possibility at play here...and that is...is it possible, OP, that you may have an exaggerated negative perception of these people due to a good-natured retelling of a story in which cop Father-in-law was in a scary standoff with some bad dudes...and then generalized based on his experience that he is racist/homophobic, etc.? And then was that further "confirmed" when you learned he or they voted for Trump? Or did he not buy into the often-pushed media story that blacks are being gunned down at alarmingly disproportionate rates by cops--and you viewed that as unforgivable?

The thing is, it's tough to be sure where our biases lead us to draw judgments about people today...whereas a few years back you would have just come together on the idea that you both have children that you love...who love each other and celebrated that.

And OP, is it that easy to believe that your daughter has fallen so far astray from the way your raised her and your good, positive, charitable influence? Or is it more likely that she doesn't see the evil horribleness that this family represents because they....aren't actually horrible after all.

Ask yourself honestly...what is more likely? You know your daughter, right??? So is she hanging out with them more because they've got their claws into her and have filled her empty-headed brain full of hateful bigoted ideas?...or is it maaaaaybe because they are fun, reasonable people who don't seem to be wringing their hands every two seconds that the sky is falling?

Just...some questions to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

You really don’t see the issue with what you just typed out? You’re the flip side of the same coin as op’s in-laws. It’s the same damn thing and I’m sick of it all.

- lonely die-hard moderate

I’m also a die hard moderate and agree with the OP. Tolerance of racism is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.

Good.

Your leftist bullshit is just that: bullshit.

You sound weak...she will do well to eliminate that influence from her children's lives.

Yeah everyone knows that right wing trump supporters are strong and left wing parents are weak.

Op, why don’t you want to be big and strong like the above poster?