My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible—how do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Spend more time with her and her fiance. When they have kids, volunteer to watch their kids regularly, and spend more time with them and the grandchildren. Focus on the couple, not his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DD that you don't like her future in-laws and will only socialize with them when necessary. When it is necessary, then be polite. You have no right to tell her who to marry but she has no right to make you hang out with people you don't like. If she starts acting like them, that's her flaw that you cannot blame on in-laws and you can point out if she says something racist or homophobic or whatever it may be.

+1. You can’t control who she marries, but she can’t require you to engage the in-laws. You can be polite when you have to see them, but you can minimize your contact with them.

You can also kindly and tactfully explain the above. Seeing that you are respectful of her and her in-laws, but that you have philosophical differences with the in-laws, may help her sort out her own views.

[Anonymous]

Like most of these issues-its not an IL problem-its your DD. I hope when her FFIL says horrible racist things in your presence that you are responding as silence is not only agreement but you’re modeling acceptance to your DD. If you feel that what he says he’s done and what he says is able to be accepted in social settings then you are ‘saying’ that there’s a place in your world-your family-for this kind of evil.

Is this DD your only child?

[Anonymous]

If they did not turn your SIL into a racist they certainly won't turn your grandchildren into racists.

It's actually healthy for kids to be exposed to this talk so they can fully form an opinion and not imagine it is something only spewed on Fox 5 news and Info Wars.

[Anonymous]

There are so many people on here who call others racist, yet I suspect many of the OPs have gone to great lengths to keep their children in white/asian classrooms and neighborhoods. Perhaps you need to look in the mirror before judging others so harshly for saying openly what you practice in a more subtle form?

[Anonymous]

A couple of things:

1. You had their entire relationship to speak up about the bigotry of his family and you didn’t. You’ve never spoken up regarding the hateful things her future FIL says. Are you sure you didn’t raise her condone bigotry? Because what you’ve admitted shows you, yourself, are a coward who condones bigotry.

2. You’re focusing on her husband and in laws, but you need to admit that our choices reflect who we are. Your daughter’s moral compass was skewed long before this. That is why she chose who she did and is adopting their views.

It’s all a bit late at this point. This is where cowardice gets you. If you push back on her demands you all get along, you risk losing her and access to your future children. I think that, to the degree you intend to be a good influence on future grandchildren (as opposed to teaching them to silently support racism and hatred, the way you taught your daughter by example), then you should keep quiet and focus on building a strong relationship with your grandkids. You missed the mark with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they did not turn your SIL into a racist they certainly won't turn your grandchildren into racists.

It's actually healthy for kids to be exposed to this talk so they can fully form an opinion and not imagine it is something only spewed on Fox 5 news and Info Wars.

You are stupid. Being inculcated with racism from an early age is not healthy. Use your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to talk to your daughter before the wedding. You have to. You may lose her, but you have to do it. Use lots of “I” statements and give her room to talk about how she sees this situation. Definitely tell her you feel like she’s changed too, and are worried about her and any children she might have. Use some specific examples of things she and FIL to be have said.

This, and soon.

also, stand up for yourself and refuse to spend time with these people and say why. You've let this go on too long. I get why that's the case and am very sympathetic, but if my parents had been horrified by one of my boyfriends I would have really thought twice. Her fiance is part and parcel of this. If he wasn't, they wouldn't be spending so much time with them.

And while 26 is a grown woman, I was still very close to my parents then.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

She is free to make her own choices, as are you. You can communicate that you will not be spending time with her future in laws and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some things you can’t control and this is really one of them.

+1. This. She’s 26, not 6. You have to let her make her own choices. If her fiancé is a good guy, that’s the main thing. Your just going to push her away if you say anything.

Exactly. By 26 you may not have everything all figured out, but you know your own values at the very least. Either she recognizes that her in laws do not share her values or she agrees with them.

This. She is a grown woman who at this point either shares your views or doesn't. If you begin a campaign to stop this relationship it will not end well - for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple of things:

1. You had their entire relationship to speak up about the bigotry of his family and you didn’t. You’ve never spoken up regarding the hateful things her future FIL says. Are you sure you didn’t raise her condone bigotry? Because what you’ve admitted shows you, yourself, are a coward who condones bigotry.

2. You’re focusing on her husband and in laws, but you need to admit that our choices reflect who we are. Your daughter’s moral compass was skewed long before this. That is why she chose who she did and is adopting their views.

It’s all a bit late at this point. This is where cowardice gets you. If you push back on her demands you all get along, you risk losing her and access to your future children. I think that, to the degree you intend to be a good influence on future grandchildren (as opposed to teaching them to silently support racism and hatred, the way you taught your daughter by example), then you should keep quiet and focus on building a strong relationship with your grandkids. You missed the mark with your daughter.

Maybe OP didn’t really know. I think my parents and in-laws met once before we were engaged and it was maybe a month or two before we got engaged.

OP, is this your DD’s first serious boyfriend? Is she someone who has changed for boyfriends in the past?

[Anonymous]

You could be my mom, sorta. My DH's father and DH's brother are cops. Not all cops are like this but those two lean towards the racist side. They also have stories about subduing people, but not necessarily beating them up. I also wouldn't call them friends of the LGB community but they are not outspoken about it.

My DH isn't like this. I'm not like this. Our children aren't being raised like this. Don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Lots of good points. Yes, of course I wonder what might have happened to cause her to want to be with someone with parents like this. We are maybe overly liberal, I don’t know. Most of our family members are gay, and DD has at times seemed uncomfortable with that and also with our lack of religion. She’s an only child with lots of cousins.

I think I do need to talk to her, but it’s going to be tough to have this conversation and not risk our relationship. She is deeply sensitive and reactive. If I tell her the stories her future FIL tells us, she’ll tell her fiancé, and he’ll return that information to his parents...and that will impact everything going forward. That might be cowardice, wanting to avoid that reaction, and I accept it.

My DH is horrified when future FIL espouses cynical and abusive law enforcement views, and he and I have both countered the talk with a negative reaction, but it all becomes a bit of “that’s what it’s like out in the field ha ha ha” sort of exchange.

DD spends at least one night a week with her fiance’s parents, though thankfully she lives a bit closer to us. Because she is in a field that interacts with the criminal element, I believe she is constantly surrounded by law enforcement personnel who hammer a narrative that is less than sensitive to minorities.

I’m scared I’ll lose her, and I’m scared I’ll upset her fiancé, who is genuinely sweet. He’s never given me any reason to doubt his character. I think his mom has the potential to be kind, except she lives in the shadow of her overbearing DH and tends to kowtow to his views.

This is not DD’s first serious boyfriend. She’s had 2 past long-term relationships, both of which were with liberal-minded guys with similar families.

I’m all about openness to those with different views, but I’m appalled and tearful about bigotry. I’ve always spoken out against injustice, up to and including taking her to human rights marches and gun control rallies. Perhaps she’s having a kneejerk reaction to my liberalism. Hell, I don’t know. I’d say this seems out of character for her, but maybe it’s who she is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could be my mom, sorta. My DH's father and DH's brother are cops. Not all cops are like this but those two lean towards the racist side. They also have stories about subduing people, but not necessarily beating them up. I also wouldn't call them friends of the LGB community but they are not outspoken about it.

My DH isn't like this. I'm not like this. Our children aren't being raised like this. Don't worry about it.

OP here. Thank you for writing this. I feel sick to my stomach worrying about this. I feel I’m losing her and also losing any future grandchildren. I guess I need to relax and trust my DD.

[Anonymous]

OK, so your response clarifies something OP - it sounds like you are hanging out with the in-laws on your own.

This sort of makes it easier - not for your daughter and her fiance, but for you.

You can tell her what's been going on, and how it makes you and her dad feel, that you've tried to counter the talk but FFIL won't quit, so you'll be limiting time with her in-laws.

You can also express concern that those views are being passed on to her and to future children, and leave it at that.

If it gets back to the in-laws, well, too bad. Perhaps FFIL will get the message. If he doesn't, then oh well.