My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible—how do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, 19:35 here from yesterday. Thanks for responding. I had to look up polyamorous. I know I'll get slammed for this, but that's a pretty messed up lifestyle, and not at all in the same category as LGBTQ. Your daughter doesn't have issues with gay people; she just has a working value system. Good lord OP, you made it sound like she was homophobic. I can see why your daughter is craving a more conservative/religious lifestyle if you've been teaching her that being polyamorous is a choice to embrace.

OP here. I won't slam you; it's not something I would choose, but I'm not going to denigrate family members who have alternative lifestyles. It's not as if I've told my DD to go out and be polyamorous. However, her aunt is happy and living a life that works for her, and that's what matters. I don't get to choose how the aunt runs her life. My DD and I have talked before about the challenges we both recognize in the polyamorous lifestyle, and she knows I don't want that for her, or for myself. It's not like I've gone around saying, "Yay!" Still, it's important that we continue to embrace family, regardless of the choices they make that aren't harming us.

Not true. When your DD has children, she has every right not to embrace her Aunt, or anyone else who's behavior she doesn't embrace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend more time with her and her fiance. When they have kids, volunteer to watch their kids regularly, and spend more time with them and the grandchildren. Focus on the couple, not his parents.

+1. Also +1 to 12:46

As someone very close in age to your daughter and with similar soon-to-be in-laws, I hope you speak up. How absolutely horrible-I would not socialize with them. I do not ask my family to socialize with them outside of wedding events as a sign of respect and courtesy to my family. The few times they have together otherwise did not work out well, to say the least.

For the wedding, we simply (not really) cut off the extended family and warned the immediate family they were next if they didn't behave. We changed where we do (now much more abbreviated) holidays and we spend the majority with my family. We have plans to live further away from his side of the family. We make a joint effort to confront their behavior when it happens around us. She should establish her authority and boundaries asap. They'll grumble but they'll get over it once they realize she's serious.

It is normal to want to be accepted and warmly received by new social groups but tolerating this kind of behavior is inexcusable in *any* company. I hope she does not stay silent in the face of their bigotry and raises her children better. Children imitate what they see.

To the earlier poster who said this kind of behavior is not "right wing"-you are wrong. This is absolutely stereotypical ring wing nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, 19:35 here from yesterday. Thanks for responding. I had to look up polyamorous. I know I'll get slammed for this, but that's a pretty messed up lifestyle, and not at all in the same category as LGBTQ. Your daughter doesn't have issues with gay people; she just has a working value system. Good lord OP, you made it sound like she was homophobic. I can see why your daughter is craving a more conservative/religious lifestyle if you've been teaching her that being polyamorous is a choice to embrace.

OP here. I won't slam you; it's not something I would choose, but I'm not going to denigrate family members who have alternative lifestyles. It's not as if I've told my DD to go out and be polyamorous. However, her aunt is happy and living a life that works for her, and that's what matters. I don't get to choose how the aunt runs her life. My DD and I have talked before about the challenges we both recognize in the polyamorous lifestyle, and she knows I don't want that for her, or for myself. It's not like I've gone around saying, "Yay!" Still, it's important that we continue to embrace family, regardless of the choices they make that aren't harming us.

your daughter ILs are now your family so go on embrace them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I’m not a troll. I’ve been on DCUM forever, and I’m unsure what seems unreliable in my reporting. I have to say that being a parent of an adult is far more difficult than raising a little one. I didn’t know how tough this would be.

My DH and I have never spent time with the in-laws independently of our DD and future SIL, but there are times that cop FIL has talked one-on-one at these gatherings with my DH, who has then reported back to me.

My DD wants us to hang out a lot (all parents together) and be one big happy family. I can restrict those gatherings, but then she’s spending that much more time without our influence. I guess that horse has left the barn, though.

I'm the mom of a 23 year old and I could not agree more. She keeps me up at night more now than she did when she was a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.

You have a very smart DD, who doesn't buy into your BS and has found an upgrade in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

You really don’t see the issue with what you just typed out? You’re the flip side of the same coin as op’s in-laws. It’s the same damn thing and I’m sick of it all.

- lonely die-hard moderate

This!!!

+1

[Anonymous]

I'm weighing in mostly just to say that "agreeance" is not a word.

I'm sorry about your DD's in laws. They sound terrible. If your future SIL is a good guy and on your DD's side, things should be ok. But it will be harder than necessary for her in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

You really don’t see the issue with what you just typed out? You’re the flip side of the same coin as op’s in-laws. It’s the same damn thing and I’m sick of it all.

- lonely die-hard moderate

This!!!

+1

+2 Double standard, OP

[Anonymous]

This is me. My in laws are like this. I have NO idea what to do. Also they are local. AND DH loves them. I AM STUCK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me. My in laws are like this. I have NO idea what to do. Also they are local. AND DH loves them. I AM STUCK.

Go out and spend time cultivating other relationships and hobbies. Travel, if possible. You can always duck out with friends for lessons/practice/volunteering/live theatre or invite your other friends over to dilute your ILs. Or, insist DH go see them out of your home on your own. Also, since they are local, there is no need to make a big fuss every time they come over. Win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

You really don’t see the issue with what you just typed out? You’re the flip side of the same coin as op’s in-laws. It’s the same damn thing and I’m sick of it all.

- lonely die-hard moderate

This!!!

+1

+2 Double standard, OP

+3. OP sounds scary. Good DD found a way to survive and escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.

Oh so you mean open minded as long as she agrees with your way of thinking. Such a lib.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me. My in laws are like this. I have NO idea what to do. Also they are local. AND DH loves them. I AM STUCK.

Go out and spend time cultivating other relationships and hobbies. Travel, if possible. You can always duck out with friends for lessons/practice/volunteering/live theatre or invite your other friends over to dilute your ILs. Or, insist DH go see them out of your home on your own. Also, since they are local, there is no need to make a big fuss every time they come over. Win!

DP here. This is mine, too. Except DH doesn't want to see them, either! I have to try to convince DH to call them for their birthday, but I don't even think DH does that.

[Anonymous]

By the age of 26 she should have a core set of values that cannot be changed no matter what anyone else says or thinks. Since she does not, you really messed up somewhere, OP.

[Anonymous]

Please say something!!!

My parents didn't and I'm married to a good guy with horrible parents. I was so young and in love and thought in laws didn't matter (homophobic and racist -- why do those go hand in hand?). I didn't adopt their views but tried to understand their viewpoint. I wanted to be liked. When I had my first child and wanted my own opinions, they bulldozed me. DH doesn't want to cut them off so it is torture for our marriage.

And my parents knew it in advance but made a pack with my sister to "support" me by saying nothing.

Be nice but explain that DF is part of a package with the family.