My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible—how do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Lots of good points. Yes, of course I wonder what might have happened to cause her to want to be with someone with parents like this. We are maybe overly liberal, I don’t know. Most of our family members are gay, and DD has at times seemed uncomfortable with that and also with our lack of religion. She’s an only child with lots of cousins.

I think I do need to talk to her, but it’s going to be tough to have this conversation and not risk our relationship. She is deeply sensitive and reactive. If I tell her the stories her future FIL tells us, she’ll tell her fiancé, and he’ll return that information to his parents...and that will impact everything going forward. That might be cowardice, wanting to avoid that reaction, and I accept it.

My DH is horrified when future FIL espouses cynical and abusive law enforcement views, and he and I have both countered the talk with a negative reaction, but it all becomes a bit of “that’s what it’s like out in the field ha ha ha” sort of exchange.

DD spends at least one night a week with her fiance’s parents, though thankfully she lives a bit closer to us. Because she is in a field that interacts with the criminal element, I believe she is constantly surrounded by law enforcement personnel who hammer a narrative that is less than sensitive to minorities.

I’m scared I’ll lose her, and I’m scared I’ll upset her fiancé, who is genuinely sweet. He’s never given me any reason to doubt his character. I think his mom has the potential to be kind, except she lives in the shadow of her overbearing DH and tends to kowtow to his views.

This is not DD’s first serious boyfriend. She’s had 2 past long-term relationships, both of which were with liberal-minded guys with similar families.

I’m all about openness to those with different views, but I’m appalled and tearful about bigotry. I’ve always spoken out against injustice, up to and including taking her to human rights marches and gun control rallies. Perhaps she’s having a kneejerk reaction to my liberalism. Hell, I don’t know. I’d say this seems out of character for her, but maybe it’s who she is now.

OP, could you expand on that? How did your DD demonstrate that she was uncomfortable with gay family members and a lack of religion? I'm curious how she diverged from the family norm. If a kid is raised with gay family members and the family is loving and tolerant, then it's strange that they would independently develop this prejudice. Did something happen?

Also, search your soul: What was your relationship like with your daughter before she met her fiance? Is this rift between you new, or did it just grow?

I'm sorry you feel like you're losing your daughter. This sounds rough and I hope it gets better. Ignore your discomfort with her future in laws and focus on repairing the relationship with your daughter. The last thing you need to do right now is widen the gap.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My relationship with my daughter has always been extremely close, possibly too close in that she always wanted to come home frequently during her college years. At this point I make a point to chat with her a couple of times a week, and she’s become independent in a healthy way.

We communicate very well, so she’s told me that she’s uncomfortable with some of what she considers to be out-of-the-mainstream sexual behaviors (e.g., we have an aunt who’s polyamorous). We talk openly about this, and I can only reiterate that they are who they are.

Re: the earlier comment about cops seeing things out on the street, this was a guy bragging about having committed violence against non-violent offenders—out of the way of prying community eyes—and this is something he chose to bring up years later as a talking point. That, to me, is worrisome. It’s along the lines of him having physically abused someone in an alleyway because he didn’t like the social behavior of the young guy.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read through all the comments, but I got married at 25 to a wonderful guy who’s parents are totally shitty. FIL is a total racist homophobe, MIL is a borderline nutcase who looooves her some Trump, etc.
Honestly, I’ve questioned my choice to marry into this family a few times. BUT, I’ve always come back to my amazing, hands on, educated , loving husband. We’ve had our fair share of marriage issues regarding his family- we’ve even done therapy on more than one occasion.
But! I basically get to spend every holiday with my family. We still spend time with them, but my family gets first dibs and we limit our time with them. So....I haven’t regretted it.
It will be okay.

[Anonymous]

OP here—thanks for weighing in, PP. Did you always feel that way about your DH’s family? Because my DD adores her fiance’s family—which, in a vacuum, would be a positive thing. In this case, it raises more fears/doubts for me.

[Anonymous]

you are letting your politics poison your relationship with your only child. that’s just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Um, yea, no. OP is reporting what has come out of the mouths of the bigoted future in laws and it is a demonstrable fact that such views are consistent with those of people who style themselves “conservative” and pro-law enforcement. If you don’t like being known for the views your political bedfellows espouse, then deal with the bigots on your end of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here—thanks for weighing in, PP. Did you always feel that way about your DH’s family? Because my DD adores her fiance’s family—which, in a vacuum, would be a positive thing. In this case, it raises more fears/doubts for me.

OP. How do you know DD loves them? Are you sure this isn’t your interpretation of DD keeping the peace with her in laws? I married into a close knit family of idiotic bigots and I despise most of them. I am tolerant in a distant, polite way and we see a lot of them at DH’s insistence. My parents have convinced themselves that I prefer DH’s family. Apparently, I’m supposed to refuse to see DH’s family or see them only very occasionally, or else I prefer them to my parents. Instead of making the same efforts to see us that DH’s family did (his parents used to drive three hours each weekend), my parents withdrew more and more while insisting they were being displaced. I found the dynamic they were creating very exhausting and controlling, and let them distance themselves. The result is that I still do not like DH’s family, but I am a lot less close to mine.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this will be a life long issue, and my experience tells me, after seeing this with my own daughter's inlaws, that their son really isn't probably too far off from his parents. It will surface eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. How do you know DD loves them? Are you sure this isn’t your interpretation of DD keeping the peace with her in laws? I married into a close knit family of idiotic bigots and I despise most of them. I am tolerant in a distant, polite way and we see a lot of them at DH’s insistence. My parents have convinced themselves that I prefer DH’s family. Apparently, I’m supposed to refuse to see DH’s family or see them only very occasionally, or else I prefer them to my parents. Instead of making the same efforts to see us that DH’s family did (his parents used to drive three hours each weekend), my parents withdrew more and more while insisting they were being displaced. I found the dynamic they were creating very exhausting and controlling, and let them distance themselves. The result is that I still do not like DH’s family, but I am a lot less close to mine.

OP here. I know that she loves them because she’s shared her feelings with me. She has enthusiasm and affection for them. She’s always gotten on very well with older people, and she’s formed close bonds with the parents of the guys she’s dated in the past (I think she stayed with one boyfriend too long because she felt so close to his parents). I am pleased that she forms tight bonds with people, but in this case it concerns me. However, I have to remember that it’s better she be close to & loved by these future in-laws than be shunned by them. DD’s fiancé is one of 4 boys, so his mom is thrilled to have a daughter!

Perhaps, in a small way, DD has been pulling back a very tiny bit over the past few years from the future in-laws. She seems a tad less enamored. Still, she chats regularly with them, visits them, and wants to socialize with all of us as one big happy family. I don’t want to say no to that for the very reason you describe (the sense of one side of the family creating distance). If she wants me there, I want to be there, even though being in that setting presents uncomfortable situations that we’re trying to manage.

I’m always trying to strike the balance of being there for her so she knows I’m in her corner, but also giving her space to be her own adult self. That’s an entirely different post for another forum, I think!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this will be a life long issue, and my experience tells me, after seeing this with my own daughter's inlaws, that their son really isn't probably too far off from his parents. It will surface eventually.

OP here. Would you please share a little more about what you’ve experienced? I’d appreciate it if you’re willing to elaborate. Are you close to your daughter? Are you close to your son-in-law? What sort of contact do you have with your daughter’s in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Um, yea, no. OP is reporting what has come out of the mouths of the bigoted future in laws and it is a demonstrable fact that such views are consistent with those of people who style themselves “conservative” and pro-law enforcement. If you don’t like being known for the views your political bedfellows espouse, then deal with the bigots on your end of things.

Bull. You just labeled a group that you don't like "bigoted". Your the one with the label maker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Um, yea, no. OP is reporting what has come out of the mouths of the bigoted future in laws and it is a demonstrable fact that such views are consistent with those of people who style themselves “conservative” and pro-law enforcement. If you don’t like being known for the views your political bedfellows espouse, then deal with the bigots on your end of things.

Bull. You just labeled a group that you don't like "bigoted". Your the one with the label maker.

You seem very defensive.

[Anonymous]

Not sure I have anything helpful: but this was my parents. My mom's parents were very bigoted; my dad's open and accepting. Although at first my parents lived close to both, later they moved very far away, and when I was a kid, we visited dad's parents much more. In fact I stayed a month with my dad's parents when I was three, and no mention of why not with my Mom's. My mom visited her parents solo. Mom's parents were clearly racist and it was shocking. I don't know if there was any talk before the wedding (doubtful) but I do know that my dad always limited his and my contact with my mom's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure I have anything helpful: but this was my parents. My mom's parents were very bigoted; my dad's open and accepting. Although at first my parents lived close to both, later they moved very far away, and when I was a kid, we visited dad's parents much more. In fact I stayed a month with my dad's parents when I was three, and no mention of why not with my Mom's. My mom visited her parents solo. Mom's parents were clearly racist and it was shocking. I don't know if there was any talk before the wedding (doubtful) but I do know that my dad always limited his and my contact with my mom's parents.

The problem here is the kids want to remain close with the bigots and have family join together. The daughter is also picking up on the hate.

I’m sorry op, I would say that you can’t continue subjecting yourselves to listening to that guy discussing stomach turning hate. I would tell her how he abused his position and consequences be damned. It can serve as the cut off point from spending time with that couple and maybe your daughter’s eyes will open, maybe she will get angry with you. All you can do is say you love her and will support her but not condone any friendship with vile people. Those types will cause problems later, misery loves company.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone for weighing in. I have a lot to reflect upon going forward.