My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible—how do I cope?

[Anonymous]

My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.

[Anonymous]

So they live close by? Or will they mainly be interacting on holidays?

[Anonymous]

There are some things you can’t control and this is really one of them.

[Anonymous]

That sucks. I’m sorry, op.

[Anonymous]

Have a frank discussion with her. 26 is very young, naive even. Speak up about what you believe and the values you instilled in her. How does she not know? She is marrying the family too. Is everyone really this adverse to conflict?

[Anonymous]

You have to talk to your daughter before the wedding. You have to. You may lose her, but you have to do it. Use lots of “I” statements and give her room to talk about how she sees this situation. Definitely tell her you feel like she’s changed too, and are worried about her and any children she might have. Use some specific examples of things she and FIL to be have said.

[Anonymous]

Also, the most concerning thing to me in everything you said is that she spends a lot of time with them. If it were just horrible in-laws that she and fiancé love but limit time with for the reasons you describe I don’t think that’s such a big deal. But if she is sending lots of time with them and wants you to be one big happy family, then she’s not seeing what you are or she’s ok with it, both of which are worrisome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some things you can’t control and this is really one of them.

+1. This. She’s 26, not 6. You have to let her make her own choices. If her fiancé is a good guy, that’s the main thing. Your just going to push her away if you say anything.

[Anonymous]

She is choosing some horrible views. That is the problem, not the actual existence of the in-laws. Focus on that.

I’m sorry. This is tough. Be an example of compassion and reasonableness to those future grandkids so that they can grow up seeing an alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some things you can’t control and this is really one of them.

+1. This. She’s 26, not 6. You have to let her make her own choices. If her fiancé is a good guy, that’s the main thing. Your just going to push her away if you say anything.

Exactly. By 26 you may not have everything all figured out, but you know your own values at the very least. Either she recognizes that her in laws do not share her values or she agrees with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to talk to your daughter before the wedding. You have to. You may lose her, but you have to do it. Use lots of “I” statements and give her room to talk about how she sees this situation. Definitely tell her you feel like she’s changed too, and are worried about her and any children she might have. Use some specific examples of things she and FIL to be have said.

+1 to this. While she is an adult and you cannot control her or her choices, to be true to your own beliefs you need to speak.

Do not wing it. This is not a talk to improvise. Script your talking points. Choose your timing very carefully; don't do this right after you've been with the couple and you're upset and angry. Do not not not badmouth them Orr theirs on or she will ONLY hear that, and will feel she must defend them against you; she will not hear anything else you say if she is defensive. I'd focus on what you see as changes in HER behavior and not on them. Scripting your "when I hear X, I feel Y" statements is important--the PP is right that "I" statements and not "you" (or "they") statements are they way to go.

Others are insisting you shouldn't even try but again--this is also about your own belief system and being faithful to that.

And while she is indeed an adult, I wonder if she is trying to fit in with this family. I also note you focus on the parents here, but sadly if she's espousing this same stuff I would think that it means her fiancé, their son, the guy you call "decent," also espouses these beliefs. But in talking to her, keep to those I statements and keep the temperature cool and calm.Let het feel you're actually listening if she starts to try explaining herself.

As someone asked above--do these in-laws live close enough that she will see them a lot? Or do you live closer?

[Anonymous]

Tell your DD that you don't like her future in-laws and will only socialize with them when necessary. When it is necessary, then be polite. You have no right to tell her who to marry but she has no right to make you hang out with people you don't like. If she starts acting like them, that's her flaw that you cannot blame on in-laws and you can point out if she says something racist or homophobic or whatever it may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is choosing some horrible views. That is the problem, not the actual existence of the in-laws. Focus on that.

I’m sorry. This is tough. Be an example of compassion and reasonableness to those future grandkids so that they can grow up seeing an alternative.

This.

[Anonymous]

First off, this isn't political "right wing" rhetoric. Normal, decent Conservatives don't talk about other people in such disparaging ways. Wanting immigration reform is not the same thing as hating immigrants. It means wanting the people who come into our country to go through a lawful and safe process. But this thread isn't about that, so that's all I'll say on that topic.

What that former cop is saying is horrifying. Thank God he is no longer a cop. If your daughter is starting to repeat the hateful things that he's saying it is time to pull her aside and have a come to Jesus talk with her. How can a young woman cast aside years of a good, moral upbringing like that? If she is comfortable espousing these views around you than you can bet that her fiance is talking the same way to her.

She is your daughter, you love her and this is your business. As long as she keeps her own head on straight she can weather bad in-laws. But the minute she starts to sound like "one of them", you need to call her out on it. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you ever have to see them? Both my parents and inlaws are semi local. We have separate holidays with our own families. The only thing that's combined is our kid's birthday parties. My inlaws are tea party people and do hate gays and immigrants. I try to let it roll off my back.