My daughter’s future in-laws are horrible—how do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are letting your politics poison your relationship with your only child. that’s just stupid.

Again, Trump supporters, it isn't politics. These are VALUES. Your VALUES are what peoole have a problem with, even though you like to call it "politics."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again—I will say that I have no flexibility regarding racism and homophobic behavior, however.

This. Great answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again—I will say that I have no flexibility regarding racism and homophobic behavior, however.

I'm a conservative who married a liberal man with very liberal parents and other family members. I'm constantly labeled as racist and homophobic, both of which are not true - I am a realist but feel all members of society should be equally treated under the law.

At family events, I was blackballed. Family members literally turned their backs on me at my nephew's birthday party. I once overheard my nephew saying to my eldest "Your mother is actually very nice and a lot of fun". He must've been told I was some kind of monster because I wasn't 'one of them'

I was accused of being mentally unwell and of abusing my kids, because they were anti-vaxxers and anti-screen people as well. So convinced were these liberal family members of the 'evil in their midst', that they believed social services would be on their side. They were shocked to discover that they needed actual evidence to back up their claims and that medical records meant something. Only then did they retreat to a neutral place, but they did end up losing closeness with my husband, who was surprised at the way they twisted the truth. And yet they consider themselves 'good people'.

Be careful, OP. You sound a lot like my 'well-meaning' in-laws, stereotyping people in very negative ways because they don't share your liberal views. This officer has seen a lot more on the streets than you can ever imagine, has looked true evil in the face in ways you never will. There are undoubtedly bad cops, but much more of the time, they are capturing and locking up very bad people. Give an inch they will take a mile. Walk a mile, then get back to me.

"Realist"? That said it all. If you are blackballed at events, I suspect it might be your realism.
Nice try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

You really don’t see the issue with what you just typed out? You’re the flip side of the same coin as op’s in-laws. It’s the same damn thing and I’m sick of it all.

- lonely die-hard moderate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26-year-old DD is engaged to a decent guy who unfortunately has racist, homophobic, generally awful parents. The future father-in-law used to be a cop, and he talks laughingly about how he used to beat up people while he was on the job. He says disparaging things about the LGBTQ community and people of color, and the future mother-in-law is passive and seemingly in agreeance. I don’t even want to hear these stories. My DH and I have tried to steer clear of spending time together, but it’s important to my DD that we all get along, so there are several times a year that we’re at social gatherings with them.

I’m upset because these people will be my future grandchildren’s grandparents. Also, my DD spends a lot of time with them. She’s starting to espouse some extreme right-wing views relating to immigration/guns/human rights, and it makes me feel sick inside. My DH and I raised her to be open-minded and kind, but now she’s changing independently and/or she’s being helped along by these poisonous people.

I hate that this other family is going to be permanently intertwined with my own. I don’t know how to abide by my DD’s wishes to be one big happy family when there is no way I can countenance the way these people talk about and treat others. It sucks.

Is this just going to be my life for the future? She’s my only child, and I feel as if I’ve lost her.

So sorry, OP. I don't know what is worse - the "closet racists" (who don't fool anyone, BTW), or the loudmouth bigots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My relationship with my daughter has always been extremely close, possibly too close in that she always wanted to come home frequently during her college years. At this point I make a point to chat with her a couple of times a week, and she’s become independent in a healthy way.

We communicate very well, so she’s told me that she’s uncomfortable with some of what she considers to be out-of-the-mainstream sexual behaviors (e.g., we have an aunt who’s polyamorous). We talk openly about this, and I can only reiterate that they are who they are.

Re: the earlier comment about cops seeing things out on the street, this was a guy bragging about having committed violence against non-violent offenders—out of the way of prying community eyes—and this is something he chose to bring up years later as a talking point. That, to me, is worrisome. It’s along the lines of him having physically abused someone in an alleyway because he didn’t like the social behavior of the young guy.

Hi OP, 19:35 here from yesterday. Thanks for responding. I had to look up polyamorous. I know I'll get slammed for this, but that's a pretty messed up lifestyle, and not at all in the same category as LGBTQ. Your daughter doesn't have issues with gay people; she just has a working value system. Good lord OP, you made it sound like she was homophobic. I can see why your daughter is craving a more conservative/religious lifestyle if you've been teaching her that being polyamorous is a choice to embrace.

The behavior you're describing re FFIL is extremely disturbing. However, your daughter can't change that and she might realize that she doesn't want to engage in a losing battle. Let go of her FFIL's behavior. Focus on maintaining a close relationship with your daughter. Your engaging with her FFIL won't end well. Don't give your daughter or her husband a reason to distance themselves from you. And in case your daughter's fiance turns out to be more like his dad, you want to provide a safe place for her to land without fear of you telling her I told you so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, 19:35 here from yesterday. Thanks for responding. I had to look up polyamorous. I know I'll get slammed for this, but that's a pretty messed up lifestyle, and not at all in the same category as LGBTQ. Your daughter doesn't have issues with gay people; she just has a working value system. Good lord OP, you made it sound like she was homophobic. I can see why your daughter is craving a more conservative/religious lifestyle if you've been teaching her that being polyamorous is a choice to embrace.

OP here. I won't slam you; it's not something I would choose, but I'm not going to denigrate family members who have alternative lifestyles. It's not as if I've told my DD to go out and be polyamorous. However, her aunt is happy and living a life that works for her, and that's what matters. I don't get to choose how the aunt runs her life. My DD and I have talked before about the challenges we both recognize in the polyamorous lifestyle, and she knows I don't want that for her, or for myself. It's not like I've gone around saying, "Yay!" Still, it's important that we continue to embrace family, regardless of the choices they make that aren't harming us.

[Anonymous]

My brother is like your DD. His wife is great but her dad (ex-LEO) is pretty racist. And of course supports Trump. I see him rubbing off on my brother over the years in some ways but thankfully he hasn’t become racist himself. Just keep up the relationship with your DD and SIL as much as possible so they have a counterbalance. If time spent with you is a positive experience they will hopefully see you often. But yeah I’d find ways to limit the time I spent with them myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off, this isn't political "right wing" rhetoric. Normal, decent Conservatives don't talk about other people in such disparaging ways. Wanting immigration reform is not the same thing as hating immigrants. It means wanting the people who come into our country to go through a lawful and safe process. But this thread isn't about that, so that's all I'll say on that topic.

What that former cop is saying is horrifying. Thank God he is no longer a cop. If your daughter is starting to repeat the hateful things that he's saying it is time to pull her aside and have a come to Jesus talk with her. How can a young woman cast aside years of a good, moral upbringing like that? If she is comfortable espousing these views around you than you can bet that her fiance is talking the same way to her.

She is your daughter, you love her and this is your business. As long as she keeps her own head on straight she can weather bad in-laws. But the minute she starts to sound like "one of them", you need to call her out on it. Seriously.

This comment by OP gives a lot of insight into why her daughter is doing what she’s doing. She was most likely raised on the other end of the spectrum. Like you mention - saying conservatives hate immigrants, don’t support human rights, etc. hard to explain but when someone has extreme beliefs driven into them at a young age, it’s very easy for them to later take on other extremist views. They may be different views but they are all extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, the one thing that I noticed about the way that you talk is that you tend to stereotype people. "Right wing" people in your mind are gun toting racists. "Law enforcement types" hate minorities and go out of their way to target them unfairly.

In stereotyping people like that, you have raised your daughter to believe that it's o.k. to be intolerant of specific groups of people. She has just substituted your disdain towards conservatives for a disdain towards minorities. In her mind it's o.k. to use a broad brush against groups, just like her future FIL does, just like you do. Instead of holding individuals accountable, this view taints an entire group.

I think you need to understand where this ugly intelorance may be coming from in your daughter.

Ugh. I made sure to raise my kids to be intolerant of those who are intolerant.
OP did it right.

You really don’t see the issue with what you just typed out? You’re the flip side of the same coin as op’s in-laws. It’s the same damn thing and I’m sick of it all.

- lonely die-hard moderate

This!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First off, this isn't political "right wing" rhetoric. Normal, decent Conservatives don't talk about other people in such disparaging ways. Wanting immigration reform is not the same thing as hating immigrants. It means wanting the people who come into our country to go through a lawful and safe process. But this thread isn't about that, so that's all I'll say on that topic.

What that former cop is saying is horrifying. Thank God he is no longer a cop. If your daughter is starting to repeat the hateful things that he's saying it is time to pull her aside and have a come to Jesus talk with her. How can a young woman cast aside years of a good, moral upbringing like that? If she is comfortable espousing these views around you than you can bet that her fiance is talking the same way to her.

She is your daughter, you love her and this is your business. As long as she keeps her own head on straight she can weather bad in-laws. But the minute she starts to sound like "one of them", you need to call her out on it. Seriously.

This comment by OP gives a lot of insight into why her daughter is doing what she’s doing. She was most likely raised on the other end of the spectrum. Like you mention - saying conservatives hate immigrants, don’t support human rights, etc. hard to explain but when someone has extreme beliefs driven into them at a young age, it’s very easy for them to later take on other extremist views. They may be different views but they are all extreme.

OP here. That quote isn't from me. FWIW, we have a balanced mix of conservatives and liberals (Dems and Reps) throughout my family. My dad worked in the Reagan White House, for instance, and I'd say I tend to vote moderately. I went to the inauguration parties for both Bush and Obama (just for fun; I have a Congressional buddy). I know my DD has been surrounded by people whose views represent all aspects of the political spectrum.

[Anonymous]

I started dating my husband in college and for better or worse loved him before I met his parents. His mom is lovey but will not stand up to her hisband. My FIl is a white nationalist who says horrible things. Two of his four children (both daughters) have cut him out of their lives. He seems to be getting worse - either with age or with the atmosphere. Our children are very young and we visit rarely (maybe 4 days a year). During one visit I was holding our infant and or older child was watching cartoons and he launched into racist rhetoric. I told him that he was not allowed to express those views to my children. He said I was intolerant and bullying him and threatening to cut him off from the only grandchildren he has access too. My husband said “you can’t talk about Mary Poppins or math or cooking or whatever while our children are around?” Sadly I think he’s lonely and wants us to engage - even if it’s to argue. I often regret it is what it is (interestingly my parents are more closeted racists and my husband points out positions I have or views I hold that may be unintentionally racist) but we’re a team with it.

I would ask your daughter whether his views concern her, and then LISTEN. Don’t freak out if her views aren’t liberal but make sure she’s thought about whether she and her fiancé can be a team on this. Make it clear that you have no obligation to be friends and will not tolerate certain language. (My parents haven’t seen my in-laws since my wedding.)

For what it’s worth, my mom did express concerns to me about whether I really wanted my FIl to be my FIl but in her case she said it was because he’s fat. He is generally demeaning of people, but I didn’t think it was fair to break up with someone I loved - and who loves me - because his father is fat and demeaning and generally uncouth. If my DH didn’t have my back I might view things differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are letting your politics poison your relationship with your only child. that’s just stupid.

Again, Trump supporters, it isn't politics. These are VALUES. Your VALUES are what peoole have a problem with, even though you like to call it "politics."

My husband's family called it values too. Know what social services called it? Harassment and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again—I will say that I have no flexibility regarding racism and homophobic behavior, however.

I'm a conservative who married a liberal man with very liberal parents and other family members. I'm constantly labeled as racist and homophobic, both of which are not true - I am a realist but feel all members of society should be equally treated under the law.

At family events, I was blackballed. Family members literally turned their backs on me at my nephew's birthday party. I once overheard my nephew saying to my eldest "Your mother is actually very nice and a lot of fun". He must've been told I was some kind of monster because I wasn't 'one of them'

I was accused of being mentally unwell and of abusing my kids, because they were anti-vaxxers and anti-screen people as well. So convinced were these liberal family members of the 'evil in their midst', that they believed social services would be on their side. They were shocked to discover that they needed actual evidence to back up their claims and that medical records meant something. Only then did they retreat to a neutral place, but they did end up losing closeness with my husband, who was surprised at the way they twisted the truth. And yet they consider themselves 'good people'.

Be careful, OP. You sound a lot like my 'well-meaning' in-laws, stereotyping people in very negative ways because they don't share your liberal views. This officer has seen a lot more on the streets than you can ever imagine, has looked true evil in the face in ways you never will. There are undoubtedly bad cops, but much more of the time, they are capturing and locking up very bad people. Give an inch they will take a mile. Walk a mile, then get back to me.

"Realist"? That said it all. If you are blackballed at events, I suspect it might be your realism.
Nice try.

Yep. Realist. As in no one is above the law. I was not just blackballed at events. That's easy to handle. These people were so darn sure they were the moral ones until they found out the law didn't see their side.