Cheated on husband, now regretting and suffering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I so want this to be the person from about a year ago who was about to embark (or had embarked?) on a torrid affair with a work superior who was older and cultured (hmm, did he wear cologne?) and so dynamic/soul mate-y etc etc. There was a period when there were two threads by this woman with everyone telling her what a mistake she was making.

OP here does not write like that OP, so probably not, but it would be so poetic if they were connected.

I wondered the same thing when I read this post. I remember that post from a year ago.

[Anonymous]

This one?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/586228.page

[Anonymous]

You need to come clean. Its a big risk and probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but it is the right thing to do. You haven't paid for this until you stare your spouse in the face and crush them with the truth. Once you deal with the pain you caused them, then you can start to heal (hopefully together, but maybe alone).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New job. It's the only way. And don't tell your husband

This. Agree with others that you should not dump your guilty conscience on your husband at this point. Get to therapy now and figure out why you keep making crap life choices.

DH here: disagree. If you aren’t going to tell your husband, everything else you are telling yourself is just self-serving B.S., so you can have your cake and eat it, too. Don’t pretend you are doing that for him; you are doing it for you.

+1. OP, you say you love your husband but you f*cked this guy repeatedly for a year. Yeah, you don't love your husband, you love the idea of having a secure and safe home and you don't want to ruin that. People who truly love their spouses don't cheat and f*ck around.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you haven't thought deeply enough about why you cheated and the fact that you don't want to leave your job tells me you're not 100% committed to a break from the infidelity. Look inward with a therapist.

Don't tell your husband now. It might just hurt him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you haven't thought deeply enough about why you cheated and the fact that you don't want to leave your job tells me you're not 100% committed to a break from the infidelity. Look inward with a therapist.

Don't tell your husband now. It might just hurt him.

Duh “It might just hurt him”.

Are you her AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you haven't thought deeply enough about why you cheated and the fact that you don't want to leave your job tells me you're not 100% committed to a break from the infidelity. Look inward with a therapist.

Don't tell your husband now. It might just hurt him.

Duh “It might just hurt him”.

Are you her AP?

No. I'm a woman with no skin in the game. I've also been sober 15 years and in that time I've had many tough, meaningful conversations about amends. The idea is that you tell the truth except where doing so would hurt the other person. Then it becomes selfish. Before making the decision of whether, when, and how to share this information with her husband, she needs to do some tough work herself. He deserves her kindness, and that means she might not have the luxury of unburdening her conscience just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you haven't thought deeply enough about why you cheated and the fact that you don't want to leave your job tells me you're not 100% committed to a break from the infidelity. Look inward with a therapist.

Don't tell your husband now. It might just hurt him.

Duh “It might just hurt him”.

Are you her AP?

No. I'm a woman with no skin in the game. I've also been sober 15 years and in that time I've had many tough, meaningful conversations about amends. The idea is that you tell the truth except where doing so would hurt the other person. Then it becomes selfish. Before making the decision of whether, when, and how to share this information with her husband, she needs to do some tough work herself. He deserves her kindness, and that means she might not have the luxury of unburdening her conscience just yet.

He also deserves the opportunity to make decisions about his life based on truth and not lies. Not when she gets around to her 9th step or the therapeutic equivalent—now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This one?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/586228.page

yep that was the one. He was 60, she was 40. It was like an addiction, she was powerless to stop it, etc etc. Last September. The thread you found ws the second - there was an earlier thread that started it all. Man I read DCUM too much!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to come clean. Its a big risk and probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but it is the right thing to do. You haven't paid for this until you stare your spouse in the face and crush them with the truth. Once you deal with the pain you caused them, then you can start to heal (hopefully together, but maybe alone).

It's dumb and cruel to your spouse to tell him at this point. Deal with the guilt and take it as a lesson learned. It was a painful lesson but now you know if there is ever future temptation, run away. This experience was important because you learned you need to keep your guard up and that you are one of the lucky ones that didn't ruin a good thing and the affair actually helped you appreciate what you have. Put it behind you and move on.

[Anonymous]

Dcum flamed me for wanting to tell the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you haven't thought deeply enough about why you cheated and the fact that you don't want to leave your job tells me you're not 100% committed to a break from the infidelity. Look inward with a therapist.

Don't tell your husband now. It might just hurt him.

Duh “It might just hurt him”.

Are you her AP?

No. I'm a woman with no skin in the game. I've also been sober 15 years and in that time I've had many tough, meaningful conversations about amends. The idea is that you tell the truth except where doing so would hurt the other person. Then it becomes selfish. Before making the decision of whether, when, and how to share this information with her husband, she needs to do some tough work herself. He deserves her kindness, and that means she might not have the luxury of unburdening her conscience just yet.

He also deserves the opportunity to make decisions about his life based on truth and not lies. Not when she gets around to her 9th step or the therapeutic equivalent—now.

Totally agree. I call BS on those who think telling the truth is selfish and self serving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He also deserves the opportunity to make decisions about his life based on truth and not lies. Not when she gets around to her 9th step or the therapeutic equivalent—now.

Totally agree. I call BS on those who think telling the truth is selfish and self serving.

Different poster, and I totally agree too. It sounds like OP is going to find some excuse to keep this secret (and others are happy to suggest excuses). But the truth is that she cheated, and if she has any decency or consideration for her spouse, she'll tell the truth. To hide and lie further is just OP selfishly making it easier to avoid the hard truth. Tell you husband, explain why you did what you did, and then let him decide with open eyes what he needs to do.

Don't continue to be selfish. You being selfish is what started this problem. Now you need to prioritize others to fix the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He also deserves the opportunity to make decisions about his life based on truth and not lies. Not when she gets around to her 9th step or the therapeutic equivalent—now.

Totally agree. I call BS on those who think telling the truth is selfish and self serving.

Different poster, and I totally agree too. It sounds like OP is going to find some excuse to keep this secret (and others are happy to suggest excuses). But the truth is that she cheated, and if she has any decency or consideration for her spouse, she'll tell the truth. To hide and lie further is just OP selfishly making it easier to avoid the hard truth. Tell you husband, explain why you did what you did, and then let him decide with open eyes what he needs to do.

Don't continue to be selfish. You being selfish is what started this problem. Now you need to prioritize others to fix the problem.

Agree. Her husband deserves to know the truth of his own marriage.

[Anonymous]

You can't be that torn up if you're prioritizing your commute over it. Give me a break. Any halfway decent person would get a new job rather than keep working with this guy. Talk about adding insult to injury to your husband. Gross.