Affair at work - post from a few weeks ago

[Anonymous]

Any updates, how are you doing? Was just thinking about your thread. Hope you are doing okay and moving on.

[Anonymous]

I think you mean me. Or maybe there was another affair at work. Not doing well, unfortunately.

We "ended" the affair via internet. Then, he asked for a goodbye hug the following day. And it started again. I went to a therapist to understand what is wrong with me, why while I understand that I need to truly end it and be with my family, I can't. The therapist said it's stress that is responsible for the way I am. That under so much stress (young kids who are going through sibling rivalry daily, moving, grad school, etc) I let go of my boundaries. I understand that what I am doing is really wrong, but I can't help it. I forget about everything with him. There's a very strong connection, emotional and physical that is just too hard to break.

He tells me he loves me. I feel like I love him too. The therapist said we need to stop seeing each other, talking, and communication by an other means to understand if what we have is real or if it will go away. She says I am not ready to stop seeing him now and I need to set a limit on the number of times we see each other and then put a hold on the relationship. We both have been deprived of feelings for so many years, and this newly acquired feeling of love, passion, affection, immense care for each other is hard to let go of. I know that while we work together it would be hard to stop seeing each other. We tried several times, and we meant it every single time, but we failed miserably.

He met my kids and I met one of his sons. We give each other little gifts, mostly edible because we obviously can't bring gifts home. I once said I liked something and he got it for me the next day.

I've started thinking about divorcing my husband again. Just considering what I would have to go through. Lawyer fees, leaving the house to him, buying a 5-bedroom house for our new family should we choose to be together. I don't know if it's worth it. I am confused. He says we will manage. We haven't talked seriously about divorce, but I wanted to consider our options. The age difference of 20 years is a concern too. I know we have about 20 good years together, but I am afraid to be a widow at 60.

The therapist says it's clear I never loved my husband even though he is a good husband and a great dad, and that if it's not my AP I would eventually leave my husband anyway.

I know that people will write that I am a scumbag to my husband, that I am worthless, etc. etc. etc. I understand and possibly agree. But those who say it have never been through this.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist sounds enabling.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. This sounds very hard to go through. If your AP is so much older than you, do you think you want more of a father figure as partner? Not really fair to compare a guy and his accomplishments with your DH if he had so much more time to get there. Just a thought. Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

I think you're using this affair to escape your life and all the stress. The thing is, you'll run away, and then you'll be trading one set of problems for another set. Part-time custody of your kids, part-time custody with his kids. The logistics of it all, and the new routine of having to do pick ups and drop offs and weekends on and off. The kids may act out in hateful ways. Then there will still bills to pay, things to fix around that house and all kinds of other things...just like you have now. What will you do then when life gets dull again? Run off with yet another man? You need better coping skills, not a new partner. Your kids are paying the price.

Love is not just a verb, but an action. I don't think it's true you never loved your husband, or that you can't find the love with him again. But if you want to do that, you have to completely give up this affair. Get a new job. It'll take time to get over him, until the brain chemicals adjust.

You need a better therapist, too.

[Anonymous]

Read this article, especially about the triangle idea, I think it applies:
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/relationship-advice-manage-your-crush

[Anonymous]

Your therapist sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

The affair is partly addiction. You get those dopamine hits, and in some ways you're like a junkie. I'm sure it also clouds your relationship to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're using this affair to escape your life and all the stress. The thing is, you'll run away, and then you'll be trading one set of problems for another set. Part-time custody of your kids, part-time custody with his kids. The logistics of it all, and the new routine of having to do pick ups and drop offs and weekends on and off. The kids may act out in hateful ways. Then there will still bills to pay, things to fix around that house and all kinds of other things...just like you have now. What will you do then when life gets dull again? Run off with yet another man? You need better coping skills, not a new partner. Your kids are paying the price.

Love is not just a verb, but an action. I don't think it's true you never loved your husband, or that you can't find the love with him again. But if you want to do that, you have to completely give up this affair. Get a new job. It'll take time to get over him, until the brain chemicals adjust.

You need a better therapist, too.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're using this affair to escape your life and all the stress. The thing is, you'll run away, and then you'll be trading one set of problems for another set. Part-time custody of your kids, part-time custody with his kids. The logistics of it all, and the new routine of having to do pick ups and drop offs and weekends on and off. The kids may act out in hateful ways. Then there will still bills to pay, things to fix around that house and all kinds of other things...just like you have now. What will you do then when life gets dull again? Run off with yet another man? You need better coping skills, not a new partner. Your kids are paying the price.

Love is not just a verb, but an action. I don't think it's true you never loved your husband, or that you can't find the love with him again. But if you want to do that, you have to completely give up this affair. Get a new job. It'll take time to get over him, until the brain chemicals adjust.

You need a better therapist, too.

This, FFS. Your kids are going to have to pay a terrible price. His kids will find out and they will hate you and make your life miserable, and they will not outgrow it. It will cost your AP the respect of his children, as well as his time with them. Go read some stepmother blogs and think about it.

[Anonymous]

The therapist said it's stress that is responsible for the way I am. That under so much stress (young kids who are going through sibling rivalry daily, moving, grad school, etc) I let go of my boundaries. I understand that what I am doing is really wrong, but I can't help it. I forget about everything with him. There's a very strong connection, emotional and physical that is just too hard to break.

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Look for a different therapist.

[Anonymous]

Therapist sounds nuts!!!

[Anonymous]

I think you are hearing what you want to hear from your therapist. I doubt very seriously the therapist said any of what you posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your therapist sounds terrible.

her therapist knows her and the situation a lot better than you do.