Cheated on husband, now regretting and suffering

[Anonymous]

PP here. I was on the verge of breaking. The affair has helped. There's mutual support and understanding as well as physical and emotional release. I have some very strong friendships, exceptionally cool kids who enjoy doing many things I love (like camping), and a job that lets me serve others in a tabgible way and make a difference. I am much more in touch with my gratitude since I have had this.

And over time I've gotten less angry with my husband for taking away so much of what I valued and he promised. I have much of what I need and that has to be enough.

[Anonymous]

^ until your husband and kids find out that their happy life was a complete lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was on the verge of breaking. The affair has helped. There's mutual support and understanding as well as physical and emotional release. I have some very strong friendships, exceptionally cool kids who enjoy doing many things I love (like camping), and a job that lets me serve others in a tabgible way and make a difference. I am much more in touch with my gratitude since I have had this.

And over time I've gotten less angry with my husband for taking away so much of what I valued and he promised. I have much of what I need and that has to be enough.

But, you are a total fraud and a terrible example to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was on the verge of breaking. The affair has helped. There's mutual support and understanding as well as physical and emotional release. I have some very strong friendships, exceptionally cool kids who enjoy doing many things I love (like camping), and a job that lets me serve others in a tabgible way and make a difference. I am much more in touch with my gratitude since I have had this.

And over time I've gotten less angry with my husband for taking away so much of what I valued and he promised. I have much of what I need and that has to be enough.

But, you are a total fraud and a terrible example to your children.

When your children find out, and lose respect for you for the rest of your life, you will be singing a different tune.

[Anonymous]

Your hate and disgust for your boss is really an inner hate for your own self and your weakness to give into temptation. He haunts you in your head b/c you feel tremendously guilty and regretful.

Are you sure your DH doesn't know? What makes you so sure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was on the verge of breaking. The affair has helped. There's mutual support and understanding as well as physical and emotional release. I have some very strong friendships, exceptionally cool kids who enjoy doing many things I love (like camping), and a job that lets me serve others in a tabgible way and make a difference. I am much more in touch with my gratitude since I have had this.

And over time I've gotten less angry with my husband for taking away so much of what I valued and he promised. I have much of what I need and that has to be enough.

But, you are a total fraud and a terrible example to your children.

When your children find out, and lose respect for you for the rest of your life, you will be singing a different tune.

When is the time to tell the kids? My ex wife had an affair and we divorced a few years ago. Now post divorce I’ve moved on kids are pretty happy generally. I realized my ex wife really was not a good match.

At some point am I supposed to tell my kids? I mean the way the whole affair rolled out was just terrible. She was going to move in with him. He ditched her. Then she went through this crazy phase.

Now after several years I am supposed to tell the kids? I’ve thought about it. But what are benefits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Or you end up with a spouse who trashes your marriage and leaves you with the choice of breaking up your kids' home and finding some compassion and relief from the sadness and disappointment.

For years ive done everything I could to support my husband with his depression, watching him show extremely limited character by quitting jobs when he was "too depressed to work" without consulting me. I've never had the choice in all of this time not to keep on keeping on for our family -- even though the pain of having a husband think you're not worth the effort to man up and work is enough to make me want to stay in bed.

I've supported him through counseling, taught myself not to blow up about money or stress or having a filthy house when he's staying at home and we can't afford help. And I've watched the kids keep being close with him as he pulls away emotionally. They feel a lot of love. He's their normal. Our community is their normal.

I could break it all because my husband trashed every now and has no character (his therapists recommend he keep working when he's getting depressed but he gives up) or I could do what I'm doing - carve out a few hours per week to be held and loved by someone who sees my worth and has a normal sex drive.

I chose B. And then I go home and am a rock for the three people who depend on me.

It's not the life I wanted but it's what I have.

I assume you are equally as supportive of a man who is at the breaking point with his wife unilaterally closing off the bedroom? Or is this affair option only something available to dissatisfied wives?

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP you're quoting. Yes, I am. That describes my AP.

It's incredibly cruel to tell someone they have to live without sex forever.

Particularly someone who would never want to break up the kids' family or ruin the other parts of life (Christmas, extended family, the family home) for their spouse.

[Anonymous]

PP, you’re raising codependents who think dissociating from major areas of life is normal—and they see it from both their dad AND you. It’s not going to turn out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was on the verge of breaking. The affair has helped. There's mutual support and understanding as well as physical and emotional release. I have some very strong friendships, exceptionally cool kids who enjoy doing many things I love (like camping), and a job that lets me serve others in a tabgible way and make a difference. I am much more in touch with my gratitude since I have had this.

And over time I've gotten less angry with my husband for taking away so much of what I valued and he promised. I have much of what I need and that has to be enough.

But, you are a total fraud and a terrible example to your children.

When your children find out, and lose respect for you for the rest of your life, you will be singing a different tune.

When is the time to tell the kids? My ex wife had an affair and we divorced a few years ago. Now post divorce I’ve moved on kids are pretty happy generally. I realized my ex wife really was not a good match.

If I were you I’d never tell the kids. For what purpose? I think Pp meant that they could accidentally find out, or an upset partner could spill the news in anger. You sound like you’re in a good place, as are your kids. I’d leave it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I was totally you up until a few years ago. However, I never pursued an affair. I ended my marriage. It was the best decision I made.

You can’t always be the rock. You will break at some point.

Also, why is staying in a being in the marriage considered being the rock. Being the rock to me is actually recognizing that the marriage has to end and that you have the strength to be a divirced mim and build a healthy life for my kids. Force the hard stuff. Don't hide from it by lying to yourself and others.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's all you need to know:

1) many people cheat, most feel guilt and bury it. The guilt goes away in time. They live blissfully happily ever after.

2) Shut up about the affair and in six months you will barely remember it. In a year you won't believe you cared about this loser. Agree with others, you should quit your job

[Anonymous]

Therapy Stat. Be real with the therapist and a good person will be able to guide you to process this.