Friend is having affair - wants to bring "other person" on a group trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Right now all you have is second hand information. I'd go on the trip, and if A and B engaged in PDA on the trip, I'd ask A what was up, and let them know I wasn't okay with hiding their affair from the spouse.

Has C talked to A about this? Is there a chance that A and spouse have an open marriage?

OP here:
Friend A told me that Newbie B has an open marriage with their respective spouse. Friend A told me this because they knew I previously had an open relationship with one of my ex's and wanted to talk about. When I started asking more probing questions about the friendship between A & B, Friend A clammed up and changed the subject suddenly.

Friend A is awful at lying; I could see their faced get flushed over Skype. My spidey sense was tingled and I reached out to Friend C, since Friend A was being weirdly evasive. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt that Friend A and their spouse may have an open relationship - no judgment at all on my end. Friend C confirmed that Friend A and their spouse do NOT have an open relationship, that the relationship between A&B is secret.

Friend A and Newbie B are opposite genders.

Should have never gone this far. Newbie is a guy and he's trying to buy his way into the group and buy silence on a romantic getaway for them which will lay a big turd in the midst of your fun. How was this not an immediate red flag? When you reach a certain age, it's a couples weekend or it's a same sex weekend. Sometimes you get someone solo on the couples weekend but you never get someone coupled up on the same sex weekend. That is a basic tenant of the damn trip. You have yourselves to blame for being in this jackpot. When friend A called about newbie B, the answer was simple ---- no men allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

The group is all women. It’s always women that want to “hide” the gender but then make it obvious in the post.

OP here:
Wrong. Re-read the thread, I clarified the genders.

Mixed-gendered group, couples and singles. Friend A and Newbie B are not the same gender, both are married to other people.

I did read the thread. Your friends are women and those coming as a couple are bringing their husbands. Point stands that the friends are still all women. Men are not Skyping each other nor are they gossiping with their friends about who is having an affair. No need to hide genders to ask your question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

This is exactly what I would also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably still go, because I wouldn't want to blow up the whole trip for everyone--the trip is too far along and too much money has been sunk into it. But I also would not make any effort to keep secrets or hide anything from A's spouse. If I would have otherwise talked about the trip to the spouse, I'm not going to bite my tongue. I'm not going to hide the fact that B is there. I'm not going to censor the pictures I post on FB. And I'm certainly not going to lie for A.

OP here:
I'm inclined to do this. It's the path of least resistance and probably the most likely course of action. I already know that one of the spouses attending the trip is going to flip the f#ck out when they see what's happening; they are very straight-laced and it's just their personality to directly inquire. They will be very upset to be put in such a situation by Friend A.

I know my spouse will want all the dirt and will basically require me to post on social media 24/7 while overseas. I won't hold back on tagging. It will be interesting to see if Friend A and Newbie B ask all of us to not put them on social media. The whole scenario is just so cavalier and bizarre.

OP, here's the thing. Do you want this to be a nice reunion of old friends, or are you traveling, essentially, to engage in drama? This vacation sounds like drama. Your husband sounds like a judgy rubbernecker of that drama. A is putting everyone in a really shitty situation, and you know that it's going to be drama going in, and you're just going to do that?

No. Talk to A. Do it now. Be like, "A, I know that you are having an affair with B. It's pretty obvious that you guys are not just friends based on your reaction. Setting aside completely why you'd have an affair in the first place, why in the world would you bring B on this trip? Are you trying to get caught? You know that D and F are going to completely flip out, call you on it, and that it's going to get ugly. I want you to know that while I love you and value our years of friendship, I think you are making a ton of mistakes and I won't be able to back you up when D and F flip out, nor will I hide anything from Mr. A if he asks about it. Please reconsider bringing B on this trip, for B's sake as much as anyone else's. This is not going to go well."

I think I would have to do this. I would not want to set the vacation up for a blowout. If its going to happen better to happen beforehand. Worst case scenario friend a decides they aren't coming and at least the rest of you can have a good time.

I agree. Talk to A and explain that you think bringing B is a terrible idea that will certainly cause problems, especially as half the people coming don't know yet. You don't want the trip ruined, so try to fix it in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

The group is all women. It’s always women that want to “hide” the gender but then make it obvious in the post.

OP here:
Wrong. Re-read the thread, I clarified the genders.

Mixed-gendered group, couples and singles. Friend A and Newbie B are not the same gender, both are married to other people.

I did read the thread. Your friends are women and those coming as a couple are bringing their husbands. Point stands that the friends are still all women. Men are not Skyping each other nor are they gossiping with their friends about who is having an affair. No need to hide genders to ask your question.

Uh, this is definitely not true with me and my guy friends. My friends live all over the world and we Skype a few times per month and text daily. Much of it is banter about the single guys' latest Tinder adventures, Trump, and just general ball-busting. Sorry you don't have a good set of guy friends.

-Dude in DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think Friend A is an asshole for putting you in this position. It's going to make you uncomfortable during your vacation, and I think you should say that either you or Friend A needs to back out. Probably it's going to be you.

Friend A is a bad friend, to be honest. And I hope someone posts incriminating photos of A and Newbie. Is there any way one of you could reach out directly to Friend A's spouse and suggest they come along on the trip? I bet the spouse doesn't even know that coming along is an option for them!

I suspect friend A is an idiot who thinks they'll be able to hide the relationship.

Do report back, op!!

People have different relationships. If I don't know about the affair then I am okay with it. Just like my grandparents were. By "not know" I mean: it's not an open relationship, I might suspect it, but I have not seen you having sex. I had some idiot trying to tell me about my spouse cheating. He got almost upset and definitely puzzled that told him to mind his own business, he never touched the subject again. Stay out of people's marriages unless you know exactly what that particular person would like to know or what kind of relationship people have. I highly doubt you live in their household though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think Friend A is an asshole for putting you in this position. It's going to make you uncomfortable during your vacation, and I think you should say that either you or Friend A needs to back out. Probably it's going to be you.

Friend A is a bad friend, to be honest. And I hope someone posts incriminating photos of A and Newbie. Is there any way one of you could reach out directly to Friend A's spouse and suggest they come along on the trip? I bet the spouse doesn't even know that coming along is an option for them!

I suspect friend A is an idiot who thinks they'll be able to hide the relationship.

Do report back, op!!

People have different relationships. If I don't know about the affair then I am okay with it. Just like my grandparents were. By "not know" I mean: it's not an open relationship, I might suspect it, but I have not seen you having sex. I had some idiot trying to tell me about my spouse cheating. He got almost upset and definitely puzzled that told him to mind his own business, he never touched the subject again. Stay out of people's marriages unless you know exactly what that particular person would like to know or what kind of relationship people have. I highly doubt you live in their household though.

That’s a different kettle of fish. It sounds like even if the AP told you she has sex with your husband, you would still say to mind your own business because you don’t want to know. Whether someone wants to know or not, is a different question. From previous threads on DCUM, I would say it is split. Half would rather not know, and half would want to know. The problem is unless you ask your friend “hypothetically speaking, would you want to know if your spouse was cheating when your friend(s) know about it” or they have told a story that made it clear how they fall on this - you don’t know. So this is what people are saying, they are in a no win situation when friend A decided to bring a “friend”. In my case with my parents, I have strong feelings about the lying/covering that is involved with infidelity and feeling like I was abandoned while my dad was staying at a “friend’s” house. If you have a open relationship that both people agree to, then fine. But as the saying goes, “don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining”. It’s definitely an emotional trigger for me and my close friends know that because of having conversations about staying in a bad marriage for the kids.

The best of the not great options is to give friend A a heads up that it is an uncomfortable situation with possible fall out if the person is anything other than a platonic friend and from the observations of her reactions tats not the case. No one wants to be in her marriage and it isn’t fair to put them in the middle of it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t even understand why you went prying for this information, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even understand why you went prying for this information, OP.

Come on. OP loves gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think Friend A is an asshole for putting you in this position. It's going to make you uncomfortable during your vacation, and I think you should say that either you or Friend A needs to back out. Probably it's going to be you.

Friend A is a bad friend, to be honest. And I hope someone posts incriminating photos of A and Newbie. Is there any way one of you could reach out directly to Friend A's spouse and suggest they come along on the trip? I bet the spouse doesn't even know that coming along is an option for them!

I suspect friend A is an idiot who thinks they'll be able to hide the relationship.

Do report back, op!!

People have different relationships. If I don't know about the affair then I am okay with it. Just like my grandparents were. By "not know" I mean: it's not an open relationship, I might suspect it, but I have not seen you having sex. I had some idiot trying to tell me about my spouse cheating. He got almost upset and definitely puzzled that told him to mind his own business, he never touched the subject again. Stay out of people's marriages unless you know exactly what that particular person would like to know or what kind of relationship people have. I highly doubt you live in their household though.

That’s a different kettle of fish. It sounds like even if the AP told you she has sex with your husband, you would still say to mind your own business because you don’t want to know. Whether someone wants to know or not, is a different question. From previous threads on DCUM, I would say it is split. Half would rather not know, and half would want to know. The problem is unless you ask your friend “hypothetically speaking, would you want to know if your spouse was cheating when your friend(s) know about it” or they have told a story that made it clear how they fall on this - you don’t know. So this is what people are saying, they are in a no win situation when friend A decided to bring a “friend”. In my case with my parents, I have strong feelings about the lying/covering that is involved with infidelity and feeling like I was abandoned while my dad was staying at a “friend’s” house. If you have a open relationship that both people agree to, then fine. But as the saying goes, “don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining”. It’s definitely an emotional trigger for me and my close friends know that because of having conversations about staying in a bad marriage for the kids.

The best of the not great options is to give friend A a heads up that it is an uncomfortable situation with possible fall out if the person is anything other than a platonic friend and from the observations of her reactions tats not the case. No one wants to be in her marriage and it isn’t fair to put them in the middle of it.

I know when it comes to my friends (none would want to know). I have no clue as to most of people I am friendly with, except for one neighbor who doesn't care, they both cheat, not an open marriage, simple don't ask-don't tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why are they even bringing a "new friend" to a reunion of old friends? Are other friends bringing spouses?

OP here:
It's a mixed gender group. Some spouses will come along; mine won't. So no, this isn't a "girls trip."

So if this is a trip for old friends to reunite, plus some bringing spouses, and this person is the only one bringing a new person no one has met, then it should be obvious to question friend A about why they're bringing a new person along

+1. Odd that she wanted advice on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever do you OP, please report back after the trip!

I second that.

[Anonymous]

You know what I would do? I'd check in with my DH and see if this is a big issue between you and him if you go. Make sure that the two of you are on the same page.

Because OP, the relationship between the two of you is more important than all this other crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm kind of a jerk, but I would take lots of pictures on of Friend A and Newbie B together and post them on social media, so the wife could see them.

But really, I wouldn't do that. I'd tell Friend A he can't bring Newbie B, and see no need to reimburse Newbie B for her sunk costs. When you deceive people and they find out, you can't complain about the out of pocket costs.

I assumed opposite genders than you . . .

The group is all women. It’s always women that want to “hide” the gender but then make it obvious in the post.

OP here:
Wrong. Re-read the thread, I clarified the genders.

Mixed-gendered group, couples and singles. Friend A and Newbie B are not the same gender, both are married to other people.

I did read the thread. Your friends are women and those coming as a couple are bringing their husbands. Point stands that the friends are still all women. Men are not Skyping each other nor are they gossiping with their friends about who is having an affair. No need to hide genders to ask your question.

Uh, this is definitely not true with me and my guy friends. My friends live all over the world and we Skype a few times per month and text daily. Much of it is banter about the single guys' latest Tinder adventures, Trump, and just general ball-busting. Sorry you don't have a good set of guy friends.

-Dude in DC

Agreed - my husband's group of college friends keep in much better touch than I do with mine. Frequently via Skype.

[Anonymous]

No. An outing was ruined a few years back when the wife showed up to confront them. We had no idea friend’s bf was married. Huge scene in a nice restaurant. She also took pictures of our group and posting them online.