DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

I’d say it’s more important any for both parents to be spending significant time with kids. We are talking about whether she should be working, but why she spends zero quality time with her family. What you are espousing is incredibly selfish. If op’s wife to focus all her time on her career, she should never have had kids. That is a perfectly fine choice. Too many dcum posters seem to have never wanted children and write post after post trying to justify that. Ignoring your children is not feminism.

Should be we aren’t taliking about whether she should be working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Let me give you another perspective. As a long-term SAH I have lost a lot of my identity. When I start to work in September I am going to make crazy sacrifices at a job I don't even like that much just to have a chance to become employed, i.e. human, again. My DH has a demanding job.

If we have sex once it's been a good month. I used to initiate, even pick fights about our low frequency but I do not because I am no longer physically attracted to DH. Whether I SAH or work 70 hours a week, that will not change. Baths, champagne and roses might make me feel guilty for turning him down but would not rekindle desire in any meaningful way.

I suspect that if it were up to your DW she would have sex with you far less frequently, not even every month. She probably obliges you because she did not feel able to refuse you during her SAH years. You made all the money, had all the power, she wasn't working. What credible excuse could she have for denying you? Now she is shifting the balance of power, becoming someone again in the larger society, instead of merely in your home. You will never go back to 3x weekly, not even if you hire 10 au pairs and eat out every night. This is a new phase in your marriage.

If I were you I would only try to negotiate on behalf of the kids now. If her job allows flexibility insist that she be home for dinner X nights a week. Make no other demands at this time. If you are faithful and patient and unselfish, perhaps your wife will allow you to continue to be married to her. In time the relationship can be reborn. Not now.

I hope you get some therapy soon, this is just bizarre.

+1 this is not healthy. Work on your marriage

[Anonymous]

Google average sex per year and get back to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

I’d say it’s more important any for both parents to be spending significant time with kids. We are talking about whether she should be working, but why she spends zero quality time with her family. What you are espousing is incredibly selfish. If op’s wife to focus all her time on her career, she should never have had kids. That is a perfectly fine choice. Too many dcum posters seem to have never wanted children and write post after post trying to justify that. Ignoring your children is not feminism.

Maybe she's following OP's model of throwing herself all-in for several years to establish herself and then cutting back on her hours to have more time with the family when she can also make half a million dollars working a 9-5 job. I would take you more seriously if you'd also told OP he should never have had kids because of the way he worked for the first seven years of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

Any job making six figures is not a hobby. That OP earns more does not mean she has to bend to his will and sacrifice who she is to his paycheck (which would still be true even if she weren't making six figures). If that's what OP expects, they both may be better off if he gets a divorce and a fleshlight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's her turn to reetablish her career. But missing dinner 90% of the time with her family is not okay. That makes me sad for the kids. I think she is working too much if that is the case.

Was it sad for the kids when DH was traveling and not even there for multiple days in a row?

Sexist double-standard employed at just the time when DW is re-establishing career.

OP, I would be SOOOOOOO disappointed if I had spent 7 years as a complete SAHM to support you in a career thus enabling you to make 500K a year and you came to me when I finally was able to go back to work and told me I was working to much. Honestly, it would be a marriage ending moment for me, because it would say my career and sense of self-worth are truly not important.

If you are concerned that your wife is wiped and comes home and vegetates, ask HER what would help HER. Coming home early may not be an option - some offices require face time to move up. some people have bosses who walk the halls and see who is there at 7pm and take mental note. Life was all about you for 7 years. IF you earn 500K, you can afford whatever supports she needs. But, it's not about what you need but what she needs. Is she happy vegging on the couch? Is she OK with not eating with the kids? Maybe you can do breakfast together instead of dinner. Stop trying to fit her in the traditional expecatations box when she already SAHMed for 7 years. She deserves a career too and not everyone gets to have it all at the same time. (You didn't clearly.)

And where do the kids factor into your equation? Doesn’t sound like op’s wife has much use for them either.

Let's not pretend that OP cares about that. He revealed his true motivations when he said he wouldn't be upset about any of this if he was getting laid more often. As usual, it's all about sex for men

[Anonymous]

Unhealthy Bizarre PP here. That is exactly my point. What OP's wife is doing is not healthy either. It's what a woman does who does not really want her husband anymore. I know plenty of good wives. Whether they work or not they take a deep interest in their kids' welfare and that of their husbands. OP's wife is completely unapologetic about letting him shoulder the burden. Have you considered that the reason she is working insanely is to a) escape the drudgery of momming in the present AND b) to establish her financial security in the future? When you are only remaining in the marriage for the kids this is how you think. I am just trying to open OP's eyes to the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

I’d say it’s more important any for both parents to be spending significant time with kids. We are talking about whether she should be working, but why she spends zero quality time with her family. What you are espousing is incredibly selfish. If op’s wife to focus all her time on her career, she should never have had kids. That is a perfectly fine choice. Too many dcum posters seem to have never wanted children and write post after post trying to justify that. Ignoring your children is not feminism.

I think it's important for both parents to have the ability to support the family. Spouse may not be there someday. Not selfish; practical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

This. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

Any job making six figures is not a hobby. That OP earns more does not mean she has to bend to his will and sacrifice who she is to his paycheck (which would still be true even if she weren't making six figures). If that's what OP expects, they both may be better off if he gets a divorce and a fleshlight.

Way to burn down that straw man. OP wants her to be home for dinner with the family and have a regular sex life with his spouse. That's hardly "bending to his will" and "sacrificing who she is." I get that indignation is easier if you turn it into something melodramatic. But OP isn't asking for anything particularly harsh or unreasonable in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

Any job making six figures is not a hobby. That OP earns more does not mean she has to bend to his will and sacrifice who she is to his paycheck (which would still be true even if she weren't making six figures). If that's what OP expects, they both may be better off if he gets a divorce and a fleshlight.

Way to burn down that straw man. OP wants her to be home for dinner with the family and have a regular sex life with his spouse. That's hardly "bending to his will" and "sacrificing who she is." I get that indignation is easier if you turn it into something melodramatic. But OP isn't asking for anything particularly harsh or unreasonable in a marriage.

You're accusing PP of being melodramatic while doing the same thing yourself. OP does have a regular sex life with his spouse, he just wants more sex. And he can want that, sure, but trying to paint her as frigid or withholding for having pretty much the average amount of sex that parents with young kids have is just you trying to frame the debate in a misleading way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

Any job making six figures is not a hobby. That OP earns more does not mean she has to bend to his will and sacrifice who she is to his paycheck (which would still be true even if she weren't making six figures). If that's what OP expects, they both may be better off if he gets a divorce and a fleshlight.

Way to burn down that straw man. OP wants her to be home for dinner with the family and have a regular sex life with his spouse. That's hardly "bending to his will" and "sacrificing who she is." I get that indignation is easier if you turn it into something melodramatic. But OP isn't asking for anything particularly harsh or unreasonable in a marriage.

it's a melodramatic to say they are not having a "regular sex life" with 2 elementary school age kids, 2 full time workers and getting it once a week. It's also melodramatic to say she misses 90% of dinner when he said she is home Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The reality is they have a normal sex life and she is home for about 50% of the dinners.

He can't handle the workload that most women complain about so it's fine, it is unhealthy to work that much if you are a H or a W. But the reasons he give are all about him, not about her health.

He wants more "atta boys" for doing what most parents do every day.

As Chris Rock would say, "What do you want, a cookie?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire a cleaning lady.
Set up dates nights and get a babysitter.
Do you do oral?
Are you fit?
Are you fun?

This. Problem solved.

Sorry but if this poor woman is working ~ 80 hours a week then she's just plain tired. The best oral in the world doesn't cut it when you're that overworked and drained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

Any job making six figures is not a hobby. That OP earns more does not mean she has to bend to his will and sacrifice who she is to his paycheck (which would still be true even if she weren't making six figures). If that's what OP expects, they both may be better off if he gets a divorce and a fleshlight.

Way to burn down that straw man. OP wants her to be home for dinner with the family and have a regular sex life with his spouse. That's hardly "bending to his will" and "sacrificing who she is." I get that indignation is easier if you turn it into something melodramatic. But OP isn't asking for anything particularly harsh or unreasonable in a marriage.

OP has said that his wife loves her work and feels fulfilled by it. We're talking about a person who took seven years off from the work force while raising kid and letting OP chase his professional dreams at the expense of family life, and now has to work twice as hard to make up for that period of unemployment and re-establish herself professionally. I suspect she would say that her professional accomplishments are a big part of who she is (there's no reason for her to go back to work at all if they're not, if OP is being honest that they don't need her income), and that if she had to give them up to take the kind of 9-5 job she could get at this moment in time with her employment history just to satisfy OP, that would be a significant blow to her sense of self.

OP got seven years to focus on himself and his professional ambitions at the expense of his wife and family. She's been doing the same (except less so, since she's not traveling and seemingly is doing more of the household work now than OP ever did then) for less than half that time, and she's the bad guy here? Your biases are showing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she makes 20% of the income, it's a hobby. She has the luxury of doing what she loves because she doesn't have the burden and stress of absolutely having to supporting a family on the income. And she's been at it for three years -- that's plenty of time to get into the swing of things and re-establish an equitable work/life balance.

Work is more fun for her than boring old husband and kids. She's being selfish. And don't pretend like her being SAHM while he was working outside of the house was something she altruistically did solely for DH's benefit. He's making $500k per year. She obviously profits greatly from what she helped him achieve.

I would agree if her 20% is $20k, or $50k, or sure, $70k. But with DCUM salaries..... her 20% could be a freaking college education. Nothing to turn your nose up at.

After staying home for 7 years it will take time for her to get up to a reasonable ratio of HHI. That doesn't necessarily mean it's not worth the effort.

And as a woman, and a mother of daughters, I'd say it's important for the wife to have the ability to produce "only" $100k or what have you. A man is not a plan.

I’d say it’s more important any for both parents to be spending significant time with kids. We are talking about whether she should be working, but why she spends zero quality time with her family. What you are espousing is incredibly selfish. If op’s wife to focus all her time on her career, she should never have had kids. That is a perfectly fine choice. Too many dcum posters seem to have never wanted children and write post after post trying to justify that. Ignoring your children is not feminism.

Maybe she's following OP's model of throwing herself all-in for several years to establish herself and then cutting back on her hours to have more time with the family when she can also make half a million dollars working a 9-5 job. I would take you more seriously if you'd also told OP he should never have had kids because of the way he worked for the first seven years of their lives.

He said he traveled more before but was still home more than wife is now. There is no reason for any parent to routinely use work as an excuse to not parent. Hard to imagine many jobs that requires extra hours where the extra hours cannot be done at home.