Sending kids to live with their dad for a time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure some of you will say this is the obvious answer, but I just want to see if it indeed is.

I'm struggling to get a career off the ground, am dead broke (unemployed since December), and have two kids under five whom I'm with all the time. STBX sees them every 3-4 months. I have NO margin of error when it comes to money and am worried about sick/snow days etc when I find a new job.

STBX is well-established and well-liked in his office. He has a good job and access to resources where he lives. I am wondering if it would be best for the kids to live with him full-time for a year or so while I get on more solid footing.

OP, I haven’t finished reading through all of the replies yet but I want you to know I get it- if someone has never had their life implode all at once they don’t understand. Only you can know if sending them to their dad is best for now; no one seems to mention he is indeed their other parent- assuming he’s basically a good parent (and hopefully he is, just because the marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean either of you aren’t good parents) I think it a reasonable idea. How would the kids feel? How would he feel about it? Have you talked to him about the possibility? He might not understand how serious your financial concerns are and perhaps if he is forced between giving you extra support until you are working a full time job again and taking the kids on full time he would opt to help you more. And again- he’s also their parent ; why shouldn’t the kids be with him?

On a practical note, can you survive without the child support you’re getting now? If they move with him I imagine that support stops. Are you getting alimony? And I’m in CA so don’t know local laws but if he is a US gov employee and isn’t paying the court ordered support I would question the person saying there’s no way of enforcing the amount. Check your county court systems family law website. You might also consider a consultation with a family law attorney. I’ve used the state bar referral service. You meet with a lawyer who specializes in the type of law you need and pay a small fee (I paid $35 ) and you get an hour sit down to ask questions etc. Don’t rely on a social service worker.

And yes, sell your ring, talk to your family and friends. Seriously- divorce is hard + a job loss and a move? This is when you need people on your side. I went through a very rough patch (death, end of engagement , wrongful termination-I did win on that but it was rough) and I was embarrassed to ask for help. I finally went to my dad and told him what was happening. He was only mad that I hadn’t said something sooner. My family didn’t have a lot of money to help but we figured it out. My friends didn’t know HOW broke I was and I wouldn’t advertise it but if you have someone who can give you immediate specific help- with a job, a $2000 loan until new job , etc- ask them. Don’t just say your broke because no one knows how to respond to that but ask for help.

And no one has asked how you are doing emotionally- I hope you’re ok, and trust this is a bump in the road, just don’t let it wear you down. My best friend who makes great money, has a gorgeous boyfriend and a new baby at 42 (unplanned but a happy surprise) was bouncing checks and sharing a 2 bedroom with her 3 older daughters a few years ago right after her divorce. I never would have known that because she is so together now.... Divorce is huge financial hit, people get that so don’t overthink it do what you need to. Good luck, make sure you’re taking care of yourself - work out , truly, that endorphin boost got me through the worst days

He is tentatively open to it. I think he will miss his bachelor lifestyle, but he has so much more flexibility in his job than I predict I will - certainly than I'll have just starting.

It's really difficult to consider being apart from my very small children for months at a time, but I'm trying to be practical - and realistic. Two days last week I had to keep my daughter home due to an illness. Another day there was a two-hour delay for her school. How can I maintain employment as a brand new employee with no back up help (save that which I pay for) in such circumstances? Especially considering that my husband is a competent parent, it seems like not such a bad idea at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Another reply to 12:54

Thank you for the hope and the practical ideas. It's heartening to hear about your friend.

Emotionally? I am up and down. I am several months sober which makes this easier in some ways and harder in others. I do feel exhausted as at least one of my kids wakes up during the night every single night. A bit overwhelmed at the magnitude of it all. But generally okay. I focus on the things I can do - entertain my kids, keep a schedule, chores, apply for jobs, chat with girlfriends - and try to do them consistently and happily.

[Anonymous]

I think it is perfectly fine for kids to live with their father.

There has been so much drama in their young lives. How much longer is your ex overseas?

Can you move back as well and get a job there but live separately so you can both raise the kids until he moves back?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Practically, you are sending them to be raised by a nanny in another country whom you will have no part in choosing. If their father is seeing someone -- and trust me, he will -- she will be the default mother figure. I would not even consider this move if my kids were younger than 8-9 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is perfectly fine for kids to live with their father.

There has been so much drama in their young lives. How much longer is your ex overseas?

Can you move back as well and get a job there but live separately so you can both raise the kids until he moves back?

That was my thought while living there but it's too complicated - I am sponsored by him and can only get jobs on the military base, which don't pay particularly well, plus I'd be paying higher rent than what I pay here, and I'd be in a foreign country....

Believe me, I considered it.

He's just gotten a step increase and promotion and would like to be there for a full year before applying for jobs stateside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids? Practically, you are sending them to be raised by a nanny in another country whom you will have no part in choosing. If their father is seeing someone -- and trust me, he will -- she will be the default mother figure. I would not even consider this move if my kids were younger than 8-9 yo.

They're both under five. He is dating someone, I know.

Maybe I should just go for it as far as available care is concerned and make it work. Mostly responders seem not to support the idea of them moving.

[Anonymous]

Under 5? Oh my gosh, I need to get my rosary warmed up. They are not even old enough to let you know if they are not being treated well. Your DH does not want to be a single dad at this point. Most dads outsource childrearing and he will too. Plus, these are strong bonding years. When they are older they can put separation in context but now they need to come to know you as their safety. If your ex marries a non-insane woman I think it would be very hard for you to get the kids back. Saddest of all, if they adjust to living with him and their stepmom they might not want to come back. Kids are all about the here and now. As they should be.

[Anonymous]

Full disclosure, ex FSO here. Saw so many of my colleagues divorce and remarry within two years that I regard that as the likeliest outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure, ex FSO here. Saw so many of my colleagues divorce and remarry within two years that I regard that as the likeliest outcome.

OP here. I wouldn't be surprised. He can't be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do what you have to do. If you think they will be cared for and loved, send them to your husband. I get it YOU can be hungry and homeless, but you don't want that for your kids. Are there grandparents anywhere who can help?

There are a lot of things she could do? Really? I agree ask family but some families aren’t in the position to help much or won’t (there was mental illness and addiction in my small family, we don’t what her situation is) . What else should she do? All of this judgement about her being a bad mother- no, asking the other person who is also their parent to take on more responsibilities while she gets back on her feet is logical. I assume he loves his kids and isn’t abusive, it’s better for the kids to be in a stable setting.

OP- how does he feel about it? Have you asked?

Assuming you can be ok without the child support you’re getting now and you trust him to take good care of them and they have a good relationship it seems like a good idea to me. Big picture it’s better for everyone if both parents are stable and getting by financially.

But also- ask your family if you can for help. Even if the kids go to their dads. Asking isn’t fun, but suck it up. A small amount of money would lift a lot of stress from your shoulders. If you can’t ask for whatever reason look at community and county services and check with the family law area of the courts you went through. You’re situation is not uncommon and they may have referrals to other types of support besides those mentioned already.

And what about the ex’s family? Are they involved with the kids? If you are on ok terms with them consider if they can help, maybe cover daycare or buy the kids clothes etc for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your STBX was emotionally abusive and financially controlling and he texted other women. When you told him you were taking the kids and moving home he sold your BMW. Remember, that’s why you left him.

OP’s mom doesn’t think OP should have left her emotionally abusive marriage. OP’s mom invited the STBX to visit the family beach house with the kids last summer, and OP has been at odds with him mom ever since.

OP has only been in Western MD for a year or so, and has struggled since she arrived. She was waitressing for awhile, and late last year, she considered working as a stripper to make ends meet.

Link please please

[Anonymous]

He may not want to come back if he marries and has the children
Will you be paying child support if they live there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another reply to 12:54

Thank you for the hope and the practical ideas. It's heartening to hear about your friend.

Emotionally? I am up and down. I am several months sober which makes this easier in some ways and harder in others. I do feel exhausted as at least one of my kids wakes up during the night every single night. A bit overwhelmed at the magnitude of it all. But generally okay. I focus on the things I can do - entertain my kids, keep a schedule, chores, apply for jobs, chat with girlfriends - and try to do them consistently and happily.

Congrats on your sobriety! And honestly, you’ve had a lot happening while still being a new(ish) mom to 2 kids- I think you’re doing the best you can, and are trying to be responsible about what’s best for the kids. I don’t know what type of work you do, but do you think you’ll be able to find a better paying job in the next 1-2 months? Longer? I’d base some of my decision on that. Ca you do any consulting on the side until you get a full time job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure, ex FSO here. Saw so many of my colleagues divorce and remarry within two years that I regard that as the likeliest outcome.

OP here. I wouldn't be surprised. He can't be alone.

I could not hand my kids over to a random woman and that is what you will be doing. I'd back out of the divorce and go live in the country where DH was posted first. I'd make such a fuss he'd see it was in his best interest to help me get on my feet again. I'd hold out for a few years, at least until I didn't have to foot daycare expenses for 2 kids. I really wish I could help you, OP. You fight for those kids, don't give up, you know in your heart that sending them away is not the best option because if he were such a responsible and loving person you would not have left him.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking the same thing about living together for a few years.