Sending kids to live with their dad for a time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a dumb time for you and your husband to divorce? Why not stay married while he's out of the country? You and the kids will still be covered under his health insurance, he could send money home to you and you could start getting some work experience under your belt. Things would be tight but not as undoable as you trying to pay out of pocket health insurance premiums, housing expenses, etc on minimum wage.

When he gets back in the country, you can then divorce and set up your own separate households and share the responsibility of childcare.

??

We're not in the process of divorcing (yet).

Didn't you refer to him as your STBX? Maybe I'm thinking of another thread?

Obviously if you're married, your husband's income is your income, too. Your health insurance is covered through his work. Maybe get a PT job while he's out of the country. That'll give you a break from the kids, some job experience while keeping childcare costs low.

I suppose you could send the kids with him to a foreign country while you stay behind to hold the fort at home...but why?

My husband (I say STBX because we're separated) diverted his direct deposit to a personal checking account soon after I left. I don't have access to that money.

I'm worried about managing spring break, sick days, snow days (it still snows here at this time of year) etc while settling into an new job. I don't have extra money to pay nannies/babysitters and am looking at this logistically.

O.k. You still have his health insurance, you mentioned that he was somehow ordered to send you money to get you "off the dole". You have health insurance, you have physical custody of the kids and he is sending you money (albeit, clearly not enough the way you are currently doing things). Who did you talk to to get that support payment coming?

I think the problem is that you are trying to work full time for a very low wage while paying for expensive daycare. It might be better to work PT for now and then when it gets closer to the time when he'll be back in the states, try to get a full time job with benefits. OR, as others have suggested, move in with a relative and take any help they'll give to keep childcare costs low while you work FT.

If you send the kids to live with your husband in another country while he works FT, has sole custody of and responsibility for the kids.....making him the provider and the default parent while you live in Western MD trying to get on your feet...I would not be surprised if he served you with divorce papers the minute he got back in the states.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they would be better off.

Don't expect to get them back.

[Anonymous]

OP, you were a bar manager? Why have you not found another bar or restaurant to work in? If you don't need health insurance get a job as a bartender. Or if your looks are ok, stripping would also be a better option than sending your children away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another reply to 12:54

Thank you for the hope and the practical ideas. It's heartening to hear about your friend.

Emotionally? I am up and down. I am several months sober which makes this easier in some ways and harder in others. I do feel exhausted as at least one of my kids wakes up during the night every single night. A bit overwhelmed at the magnitude of it all. But generally okay. I focus on the things I can do - entertain my kids, keep a schedule, chores, apply for jobs, chat with girlfriends - and try to do them consistently and happily.

Sounds like you both have issues in the marriage. A few month's sober. That's pretty serious. You keep blaming him but you both are the issue. Grow up, get a job and take care of your kids. Or, give them to Dad and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were a bar manager? Why have you not found another bar or restaurant to work in? If you don't need health insurance get a job as a bartender. Or if your looks are ok, stripping would also be a better option than sending your children away.

She is a few months sober, working at a bar does not make sense even though the logic is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not at all saying this to be snarky, but maybe its time to take a break from posting here. You started a similar thread a few months ago on this exact topic, in addition to probably a dozen others over the past year or so. The same drama ensues with every post but also people keep giving the same good advice. I think at this point you’re not going to find anything insightful here.

There’s no shame in sending the kids to live with their dad and presumably your husband won’t be stationed overseas forever. Like others have said, it could be tough to get custody modified in the future but I don’t think it’s insurmountable if you’ve established that you can provide for them.

I'm really not sure what drama you're referring to. I've received good suggestions (and plenty of snark, obv) and it's been helpful for me to read other perspectives.

By drama I meant the dramatic replies of people judging you and suggesting you’re a bad mom. I do think people have given good responses but they gave you good advice last time too. So my point is simply step away for a bit and focus on making the best choices you can for your kids. I can see that you’re in a tough spot and all of the options seem equally hard. I’m rooting for you, but you need to keep moving forward and not get bogged down in DCUM-land.

Linking to all of your previous posts to remind you of the good advice. I’m saying all of this as a single mom, so I know it’s hard. Not minimizing your struggles at all.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/678668.page#11794336

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/653656.page#11189879

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/671949.page#11625127

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/656590.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were a bar manager? Why have you not found another bar or restaurant to work in? If you don't need health insurance get a job as a bartender. Or if your looks are ok, stripping would also be a better option than sending your children away.

She is a few months sober, working at a bar does not make sense even though the logic is right.

I used to work in bars and I knew plenty of sober people working in them. If it's your livelihood, you figure out a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were a bar manager? Why have you not found another bar or restaurant to work in? If you don't need health insurance get a job as a bartender. Or if your looks are ok, stripping would also be a better option than sending your children away.

She is a few months sober, working at a bar does not make sense even though the logic is right.

I used to work in bars and I knew plenty of sober people working in them. If it's your livelihood, you figure out a way.

I used to work at establishments that served alcohol but I never, ever drank on the job even though I did my fair share of partying and drinking at the time. Just not at work. Ever.

My coworkers didn't drink on the job, either.

That said, if the temptation to drink is too much, then maybe look for a job in event planning or maybe a barista job in a cafe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you were a bar manager? Why have you not found another bar or restaurant to work in? If you don't need health insurance get a job as a bartender. Or if your looks are ok, stripping would also be a better option than sending your children away.

She has substance use problems and is only recently sober. Being in a bar / stripping are not good options for her on any level.

[Anonymous]

Ex coworker lost her kids this way. She sent them to Saudi Arabia for the summer where her husband works (he’s a fed) and he refused to send them home. It was a mess. Unbeknownst to her, he’d moved from the house the gov bought for him and in doing that, he established some kind of residency there. Coworker quit her job and moved to Saudi Arabia to fight it out there. I will say they had no legal visitation agreement as they’d had a cordial divorce.

[Anonymous]

Op. Look at this from your kids point of view. What home right now would be the most stable, healthiest home?

Your home?

Their father's home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Look at this from your kids point of view. What home right now would be the most stable, healthiest home?

Your home?

Their father's home?

I'm more patient than he is. He drinks heavily. I don't drink, but I am very stressed/ burned out. He has more money. I just don't know.

The Saudi Arabia story above gives me pause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a dumb time for you and your husband to divorce? Why not stay married while he's out of the country? You and the kids will still be covered under his health insurance, he could send money home to you and you could start getting some work experience under your belt. Things would be tight but not as undoable as you trying to pay out of pocket health insurance premiums, housing expenses, etc on minimum wage.

When he gets back in the country, you can then divorce and set up your own separate households and share the responsibility of childcare.

??

We're not in the process of divorcing (yet).

Didn't you refer to him as your STBX? Maybe I'm thinking of another thread?

Obviously if you're married, your husband's income is your income, too. Your health insurance is covered through his work. Maybe get a PT job while he's out of the country. That'll give you a break from the kids, some job experience while keeping childcare costs low.

I suppose you could send the kids with him to a foreign country while you stay behind to hold the fort at home...but why?

My husband (I say STBX because we're separated) diverted his direct deposit to a personal checking account soon after I left. I don't have access to that money.

I'm worried about managing spring break, sick days, snow days (it still snows here at this time of year) etc while settling into an new job. I don't have extra money to pay nannies/babysitters and am looking at this logistically.

O.k. You still have his health insurance, you mentioned that he was somehow ordered to send you money to get you "off the dole". You have health insurance, you have physical custody of the kids and he is sending you money (albeit, clearly not enough the way you are currently doing things). Who did you talk to to get that support payment coming?

I think the problem is that you are trying to work full time for a very low wage while paying for expensive daycare. It might be better to work PT for now and then when it gets closer to the time when he'll be back in the states, try to get a full time job with benefits. OR, as others have suggested, move in with a relative and take any help they'll give to keep childcare costs low while you work FT.

If you send the kids to live with your husband in another country while he works FT, has sole custody of and responsibility for the kids.....making him the provider and the default parent while you live in Western MD trying to get on your feet...I would not be surprised if he served you with divorce papers the minute he got back in the states.

If she's paying $1050 combined for rent and childcare for one child, and has found $700/month childcare for an infant or toddler, she's already using low cost options. The reality is that minimum wage jobs don't cover rent and childcare anywhere in the country.

I agree with a PP above that doing home daycare, or working as a nanny, might make more sense than working minimum wage while paying for childcare, even in an area where childcare costs are low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you collect unemployment?

No.

She just moved from overseas and hasnt held a job for long. She's probably limited in job opportunities from being a trailing spouse.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a church can help you in your area.