Sending kids to live with their dad for a time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to go where the jobs are.

Your mom lives closer to a job center, right? Swallow your pride, call your mom, apologize for the way you have acted this past year, and ask if you can live with her until you get back on your feet. Sign up with a temp agency, so that you are working and have something to put on your resume.

You are also very emotional (understandably so) to the point of impulsivity and histrionics, and that might be impacting your professionalism, and your decision-making. Consider getting on some meds to even you out for the time being. A lot of us do a short course of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medicines to help us get through rough patches. You are going through three rough patches at once: divorce, financial problems, and unemployment. Plus you don’t have a support network.

You need to move forward with your divorce. You are entitled to some of the marital assets, and maybe spousal support, which should serve as a cushion to get you back on your feet.

In short:
1) Call your mom today. Suck it up and apologize.
2) Sell whatever you can to build up some cash.
3) Sign up to temp, or open an in-home daycare, or start a house cleaning business: you need income.
4) Consult with a GP about medication.
5) Find a lawyer and move things along. Call the bar association where your mom lives. My dad is retired and does some family law work pro bono through the county bar association.

Even if mom says no to number 1, go forward with the rest of the list in your current location.

1) Things are as good as they can be between me and my mom. However, I may not stay with her.
2) I am.
3) Start up costs? I am applying for babysitting jobs/ housecleaning jobs/ random gigs, in addition to applying to regular FT and PT jobs.
4) I don't really see that adding medication (which I would need to pay for, and to which I would need to adjust, tweak, perhaps have to change) would help me.
5) There's a legal association that handles family law issues. I will attend their meeting/open house next week.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mom would really sooner have you lose your kids than live with her?! Do you have other family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I remember you posting this exact same question 6 months or maybe a year ago. I can’t help but think that single parenting is harder than you thought and you don’t actually want your kids. Is that wrong? Most people don’t seriously contemplate sending their kids away — multiple times — before they have tried asking family for money, pulling kids from expensive childcare, basically anything really... I think you need to figure out what your actual priorities are.

I fear she's trying to convince herself it's the best thing for everyone to send the kids to live with their father, rather than facing the shame of wanting relief from mothering them. She will not allow herself to admit it. But everything she's saying here points to that. I think now is the time to begin a thread about how to cope with being overwhelmed and unprepared for motherhood.

There's nothing shameful in this. If OP recognizes she can't parent now, and her kids will be safe with their dad, it's the best thing to do to send them to their dad. Yes this could create custody issues down the line, but the question is what is best for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you living in different places? How far apart are you—how many hours by car?

I posted a lot last year. STBX lives overseas (fed), and I had no chance of separating while there. It's ~12 hours of travel. He's just been promoted but tentatively plans to return to the US a year after the promotion is official. I don't have that kind of time.

Are you out of your f^ucking mind? You realize you will never get your kids back if you send them to live in another country. At that point, you operate according to the country's laws where he lives. Do not do this if you love your children. If you are done with them and just not willing to admit it, that's a different thing.

+1

I don't think so. The dad isn't a citizen of that country and likely he will return to the states.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is a dumb time for you and your husband to divorce? Why not stay married while he's out of the country? You and the kids will still be covered under his health insurance, he could send money home to you and you could start getting some work experience under your belt. Things would be tight but not as undoable as you trying to pay out of pocket health insurance premiums, housing expenses, etc on minimum wage.

When he gets back in the country, you can then divorce and set up your own separate households and share the responsibility of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a dumb time for you and your husband to divorce? Why not stay married while he's out of the country? You and the kids will still be covered under his health insurance, he could send money home to you and you could start getting some work experience under your belt. Things would be tight but not as undoable as you trying to pay out of pocket health insurance premiums, housing expenses, etc on minimum wage.

When he gets back in the country, you can then divorce and set up your own separate households and share the responsibility of childcare.

??

We're not in the process of divorcing (yet).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your mom would really sooner have you lose your kids than live with her?! Do you have other family?

She can't be bothered. Truly.

Other family. Like I described earlier in the thread, we don't have very close relationships. I would likely not be welcomed to stay with any other family member. Almost certainly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a dumb time for you and your husband to divorce? Why not stay married while he's out of the country? You and the kids will still be covered under his health insurance, he could send money home to you and you could start getting some work experience under your belt. Things would be tight but not as undoable as you trying to pay out of pocket health insurance premiums, housing expenses, etc on minimum wage.

When he gets back in the country, you can then divorce and set up your own separate households and share the responsibility of childcare.

??

We're not in the process of divorcing (yet).

Didn't you refer to him as your STBX? Maybe I'm thinking of another thread?

Obviously if you're married, your husband's income is your income, too. Your health insurance is covered through his work. Maybe get a PT job while he's out of the country. That'll give you a break from the kids, some job experience while keeping childcare costs low.

I suppose you could send the kids with him to a foreign country while you stay behind to hold the fort at home...but why?

[Anonymous]

Op, if he’s not going to abuse them, send the kids to their father. The can learn a foreign language and I bet go to a good school where dh is. Good healthcare and dental, obviously sufficient food. It’s a no brainer. You can’t take care of yourself. Let alone them.

My sister sent her son to his dad in China for a few years. Kid learned a lot. Returned as a nice kid, does well in school. Sister used the time to switch careers and go to school. Changed her life for the better.

And ffs don’t have any more kids.

[Anonymous]

Or just inform him yall are coming to live with him.

[Anonymous]

I’m not at all saying this to be snarky, but maybe its time to take a break from posting here. You started a similar thread a few months ago on this exact topic, in addition to probably a dozen others over the past year or so. The same drama ensues with every post but also people keep giving the same good advice. I think at this point you’re not going to find anything insightful here.

There’s no shame in sending the kids to live with their dad and presumably your husband won’t be stationed overseas forever. Like others have said, it could be tough to get custody modified in the future but I don’t think it’s insurmountable if you’ve established that you can provide for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pull your kids out of daycare. You aren’t working so why are they in Daycare?

I found a daycare so I can start working. He hasn't started yet. I have just found a PT job that pays minimum wage - obviously I am applying for higher paying work.

Why would you take a minimum wage job and pay for childcare? It makes no sense! You should be watching OTHER people's kids and getting paid more than minimum wage. I don't understand your logic at all, especially preschool. You could be a pet sitter and make more money than minimum. Hell, I pay my pet sitter $15 hour just to drop in for 30 minutes. Rover.com. Please rethink this before you lose your kids for good. this is going to sound harsh, but you sound more sentimental about the ring than you do your own kids. And making a move to MD without knowing for sure you'd get the support you need sounds like very bad judgement. I'm concerned about your judgement and planning. In a dire situation, you do not send a kid to preschool instead of feeding your family.

It's a means to an end. Better to have something coming in than nothing. I don't want o put my daughter through the upheaval of leaving a school then going back when I am in the process of getting a better paying job.

My friend suggested she would be helpful to me before I moved here. She got me the job I had and has helped with food and introducing me to people. I just don't have a localized support system, and the rest of my friends/family live in prohibitively expensive places (DC, Chicago, San Francisco) and this seemed like the best bet.

You don't want to put your daughter through the upheaval of leaving school, but you'll send her to another country????? You are lying and making excuses. You have family living in expensive places like DC, Chicago, and San Francisco, so they have MONEY and they're not helping you? WTF?? You are not asking them. Instead of asking for help from them, not wanting to make your EXdh mad, and not wanting to bother your friend (where you moved near her for the support), you're going to give up your own kids. That is what you're saying. DO YOU SEE THAT?!

Do you see that you're more sentimental about a f^ucking ring than your own kids?!

OP if I was in your situation I would sell the ring. At least try to investigate what you may get for it. The relief of having some money in the bank to care for the children and cover expenses would surpass the sadness of giving up a sentimental possession- at least for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure some of you will say this is the obvious answer, but I just want to see if it indeed is.

I'm struggling to get a career off the ground, am dead broke (unemployed since December), and have two kids under five whom I'm with all the time. STBX sees them every 3-4 months. I have NO margin of error when it comes to money and am worried about sick/snow days etc when I find a new job.

STBX is well-established and well-liked in his office. He has a good job and access to resources where he lives. I am wondering if it would be best for the kids to live with him full-time for a year or so while I get on more solid footing.

OP, I haven’t finished reading through all of the replies yet but I want you to know I get it- if someone has never had their life implode all at once they don’t understand. Only you can know if sending them to their dad is best for now; no one seems to mention he is indeed their other parent- assuming he’s basically a good parent (and hopefully he is, just because the marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean either of you aren’t good parents) I think it a reasonable idea. How would the kids feel? How would he feel about it? Have you talked to him about the possibility? He might not understand how serious your financial concerns are and perhaps if he is forced between giving you extra support until you are working a full time job again and taking the kids on full time he would opt to help you more. And again- he’s also their parent ; why shouldn’t the kids be with him?

On a practical note, can you survive without the child support you’re getting now? If they move with him I imagine that support stops. Are you getting alimony? And I’m in CA so don’t know local laws but if he is a US gov employee and isn’t paying the court ordered support I would question the person saying there’s no way of enforcing the amount. Check your county court systems family law website. You might also consider a consultation with a family law attorney. I’ve used the state bar referral service. You meet with a lawyer who specializes in the type of law you need and pay a small fee (I paid $35 ) and you get an hour sit down to ask questions etc. Don’t rely on a social service worker.

And yes, sell your ring, talk to your family and friends. Seriously- divorce is hard + a job loss and a move? This is when you need people on your side. I went through a very rough patch (death, end of engagement , wrongful termination-I did win on that but it was rough) and I was embarrassed to ask for help. I finally went to my dad and told him what was happening. He was only mad that I hadn’t said something sooner. My family didn’t have a lot of money to help but we figured it out. My friends didn’t know HOW broke I was and I wouldn’t advertise it but if you have someone who can give you immediate specific help- with a job, a $2000 loan until new job , etc- ask them. Don’t just say your broke because no one knows how to respond to that but ask for help.

And no one has asked how you are doing emotionally- I hope you’re ok, and trust this is a bump in the road, just don’t let it wear you down. My best friend who makes great money, has a gorgeous boyfriend and a new baby at 42 (unplanned but a happy surprise) was bouncing checks and sharing a 2 bedroom with her 3 older daughters a few years ago right after her divorce. I never would have known that because she is so together now.... Divorce is huge financial hit, people get that so don’t overthink it do what you need to. Good luck, make sure you’re taking care of yourself - work out , truly, that endorphin boost got me through the worst days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a dumb time for you and your husband to divorce? Why not stay married while he's out of the country? You and the kids will still be covered under his health insurance, he could send money home to you and you could start getting some work experience under your belt. Things would be tight but not as undoable as you trying to pay out of pocket health insurance premiums, housing expenses, etc on minimum wage.

When he gets back in the country, you can then divorce and set up your own separate households and share the responsibility of childcare.

??

We're not in the process of divorcing (yet).

Didn't you refer to him as your STBX? Maybe I'm thinking of another thread?

Obviously if you're married, your husband's income is your income, too. Your health insurance is covered through his work. Maybe get a PT job while he's out of the country. That'll give you a break from the kids, some job experience while keeping childcare costs low.

I suppose you could send the kids with him to a foreign country while you stay behind to hold the fort at home...but why?

My husband (I say STBX because we're separated) diverted his direct deposit to a personal checking account soon after I left. I don't have access to that money.

I'm worried about managing spring break, sick days, snow days (it still snows here at this time of year) etc while settling into an new job. I don't have extra money to pay nannies/babysitters and am looking at this logistically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not at all saying this to be snarky, but maybe its time to take a break from posting here. You started a similar thread a few months ago on this exact topic, in addition to probably a dozen others over the past year or so. The same drama ensues with every post but also people keep giving the same good advice. I think at this point you’re not going to find anything insightful here.

There’s no shame in sending the kids to live with their dad and presumably your husband won’t be stationed overseas forever. Like others have said, it could be tough to get custody modified in the future but I don’t think it’s insurmountable if you’ve established that you can provide for them.

I'm really not sure what drama you're referring to. I've received good suggestions (and plenty of snark, obv) and it's been helpful for me to read other perspectives.