Reply to Sending kids to live with their dad for a time

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm sure some of you will say this is the obvious answer, but I just want to see if it indeed is.

I'm struggling to get a career off the ground, am dead broke (unemployed since December), and have two kids under five whom I'm with all the time. STBX sees them every 3-4 months. I have NO margin of error when it comes to money and am worried about sick/snow days etc when I find a new job.

STBX is well-established and well-liked in his office. He has a good job and access to resources where he lives. I am wondering if it would be best for the kids to live with him full-time for a year or so while I get on more solid footing.[/quote]

OP, I haven’t finished reading through all of the replies yet but I want you to know I get it- if someone has never had their life implode all at once they don’t understand.  Only you can know if sending them to their dad is best for now; no one seems to mention he is indeed their other parent- assuming he’s basically a good parent (and hopefully he is, just because the marriage didn’t work doesn’t mean either of you aren’t good parents) I think it a reasonable idea.  How would the kids feel?  How would he feel about it?  Have you talked to him about the possibility?  He might not understand how serious your financial concerns are and perhaps if he is forced between giving you extra support until you are working a full time job again and taking the kids on full time he would opt to help you more.  And again- he’s also their parent ; why shouldn’t the kids be with him?

On a practical note, can you survive without the child support you’re getting now?  If they move with him I imagine that support stops. Are you getting alimony?  And I’m in CA so don’t know local laws but if he is a US gov employee and isn’t paying the court ordered support I would question the person saying there’s no way of enforcing the amount.  Check your county court systems family law website.  You might also consider a consultation with a family law attorney. I’ve used the state bar referral service.  You meet with a lawyer who specializes in the type of law you need and pay a small fee (I paid $35 ) and you get an hour sit down to ask questions etc.   Don’t rely on a social service worker.

And yes, sell your ring, talk to your family and friends. Seriously- divorce is hard + a job loss and a move? This is when you need people on your side. I went through a very rough patch (death, end of engagement , wrongful termination-I did win on that but it was rough) and I was embarrassed to ask for help.  I finally went to my dad and told him what was happening.  He was only mad that I hadn’t said something sooner.  My family didn’t have a lot of money to help but we figured it out.  My friends didn’t know HOW broke I was and I wouldn’t advertise it but if you have someone who can give you immediate specific help- with a job, a $2000 loan until new job , etc- ask them. Don’t just say your broke because no one knows how to respond to that but ask for help.

And no one has asked how you are doing emotionally- I hope you’re ok, and trust this is a bump in the road, just don’t let it wear you down.  My best friend who makes great money, has a gorgeous boyfriend and a new baby at 42 (unplanned but a happy surprise) was bouncing checks and sharing a 2 bedroom with her 3 older daughters a few years ago right after her divorce.  I never would have known that because she is so together now.... Divorce is huge financial hit, people get that so don’t overthink it do what you need to.  Good luck, make sure you’re taking care of yourself - work out , truly, that endorphin boost got me through the worst days [/quote]

He is tentatively open to it. I think he will miss his bachelor lifestyle, but he has so much more flexibility in his job than I predict I will - certainly than I'll have just starting.

It's really difficult to consider being apart from my very small children for months at a time, but I'm trying to be practical - and realistic. Two days last week I had to keep my daughter home due to an illness. Another day there was a two-hour delay for her school. How can I maintain employment as a brand new employee with no back up help (save that which I pay for) in such circumstances? Especially considering that my husband is a competent parent, it seems like not such a bad idea at the moment. [/quote]

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