Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

My husband did something similar in that he badmouthed me to his family during a rough spot during our marriage. He recognizes what he did was really wrong and since then, he’s made it clear how I’m his priority. He has told his family they aren’t allowed to say bad things about me and has made it clear that the old behavior is a thing of the past. Of course his family now dislikes me and thinks we have a bad marriage and this is my husband’s fault. He knows he is as fault for this. Now we have to ignore his family for the most part. Things will never be the same. However my husband has tried his best to rectify the situation and put me first. It’s hard enough to get over this and I can’t imagine having a husband who wouldn’t do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear, OP, you are really snowed. You're in the thick of it, and you have two young kids, so I get trying to save your marriage. I do.

But you also need to understand that your husband cares more about his friends than he does about his family. That's fundamentally what's at stake. HE CARES MORE ABOUT HIS FRIENDS THAN HE CARES ABOUT HIS FAMILY.

Maybe things can be salvaged. But he has to clearly and in no uncertain terms tell his friends to knock it off, that he is happy, and that his friends have to accept you. And if they aren't willing to accept you, he has to be willing to walk away.

9:40 has it right - the only one that can fix it is him. You keep being you (for the love of god do not write any of his friends or try to talk to them). He has to decide what matters most to him and live his life by those priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

+1. I think OP and her husband sound perfect for each other! A horrible husband who badmouths his WIFE and a crazy wife who wants to mail letters. They deserve each other.

This is what happens when people with the maturity level of a small child decide to play house. I feel bad for the kids.

+1. And I hate posters that come here with some variation of "I'm perfectly fine wallowing in feces but what can I do about the smell?!" Lady, the smell can't be separated from the sh*t you're wallowing in. You want to keep laying in it? Fine, do you. But don't complain about the odor while you do so.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your focus on "bouncing back" is misplaced. How can you "bounce back" to a place you've never been? You've always been on the outs with DH's friends because he portrayed you, his feelings for you, and your relationship very negatively. There's no "back" to a good place, you've never been in one.

He views you in an extremely negative light. That is the real problem. This cannot have only manifested in what he says to others, but also in your relationship.

I'd explore in personal counseling why you'd keep someone in your life who didn't treat you with respect. That includes how he speaks about you to others. Why did you accept it from the get-go, and should you accept it now?

[Anonymous]

I am having a panic attack reading this. It's just everything a marriage isn't supposed to be. And now there are kids. You know who's trapped? You. If I were you, I would do everything possible to get out of this pseudo-marriage. It is just horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did something similar in that he badmouthed me to his family during a rough spot during our marriage. He recognizes what he did was really wrong and since then, he’s made it clear how I’m his priority. He has told his family they aren’t allowed to say bad things about me and has made it clear that the old behavior is a thing of the past. Of course his family now dislikes me and thinks we have a bad marriage and this is my husband’s fault. He knows he is as fault for this. Now we have to ignore his family for the most part. Things will never be the same. However my husband has tried his best to rectify the situation and put me first. It’s hard enough to get over this and I can’t imagine having a husband who wouldn’t do anything about it.

This is totally different from OP's situation. OP has been disrespected by her husband since Day One, and OP's husband is not going to change. There is no respect to "go back" to. It is not a rough spot in her marriage--her marriage was always dysfunctional.

I'm also going to assume that you are pretty certain that your husband did not cheat on you, while OP's husband...can't say the same there.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read on dcum. Op please get individual therapy. You aren't getting this at all.

[Anonymous]

There is a thread going right now in expectant moms where a woman is bemoaning the fact that she will be bringing a daughter into a world where women are not valued. I had a pretty good at that, but now reading this, I realize that it’s not just men keeping us down. OP, you NEED to get gone.

[Anonymous]

You really had no idea he felt this way? I don't believe that.

[Anonymous]

DH can choose between you and your friends.

Meet a divorce lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was very sweet to me, but also immature when we first met, and he basically told his friends that he was just using me for a "good lay" and thought I was stupid. Even before he proposed, when his friends would ask if it was getting serious, he would say "nah, it's not like that. NOTHING like that. haha." He then got stuck in that weird role, so after we were engaged he would joke about me being his "ball and chain" and trying to get pregnant and "hook him." And, well, of course, a couple months before the wedding, I got pregnant, did not know any of this, and was happily announcing to everyone there (I was 32, diagnosed with severe endometriosis and told that infertility was a real possibility -- plus I wasn't drinking and made our toast with chocolate milk!).

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Some of DH's friends somewhat like me because they hang out with us, but many of them only see him when he "gets away" from me. (This gets bizarre, but is sadly true -- they plan coed "boys" trips so he can have an excuse and the only uninvited wife is me and it's been happening for years.) And, two of his high school friends did a "tough love pack" (that is what they called it) where they are not talking to him until he divorces me.

This is far above our heads. DH is as scared as me. We obviously will need professional help with someone who specializes in this issue. But, I need to know if there is any real hope for me to be accepted by his friends. I was thinking of writing a personal letter to each one of them (starting with the two who did the "tough love pack" since there is nothing to lose) and explaining what happened. Thoughts? I loved my marriage, but I feel more betrayed than if he had just had an anoymous one-night stand and no one knew. This has been going on for at least 4 years now.

What issue? Assholery and stupidity?

[Anonymous]

Your DH has shared horrible details about you to his friends that they have a tough love pact for him. Men will not take the ball and chain thing seriously unless details of a wife being a bitch and a nag has also been shared by the man. You need to get out of this marriage.

BTW - PSA - There is never any value of bitching or being uncomplimentary about your spouse to friends, neighbors, coworkers or family. You need to vent - go to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read on dcum. Op please get individual therapy. You aren't getting this at all.

I agree. This is going to sound terribly mean, but only a person with low self-esteem, maybe uneducated, maybe very young, maybe just dumb, maybe just beaten down by pre-marital life circumstances... these are the only kinds of people who would ever tolerate someone else disrespecting them to this degree. I fear OP might be a variation of all of these, in which case, she is in for a world of pain. I hope she can find someone who's on her team. Thank God she's to the point where she's at least asking questions, but the question itself? Oy! She wants to bounce back? Write letters to friends? I'm afraid for her and her children.

[Anonymous]

I call BS on the "marriage" part, here's why:
If these 2 were really married, I don't think the bros would be able to come at this so hard "when are you divorcing her?" etc., who does that to their friend? You would tell your friend to break up with a GF that way--but the wife? For 4 years w/2 kids? Nope.

Sounds to me like OP had 2 kids with a childish dude-bro who never really committed. Where is her family and his in this "marriage" scenario? I'd be telling my MIL and SIL exactly what this POS was doing to their grandkids if this was a legit marriage or LTR that was supported by a family.

Does this dude have a job? I bet he doesn't. Sounds like a man-child loser who may have other children and women in his life and all his friends know it which is why they're coming at him so hard with "just leave her bro"...Not saying any of this is right but IMO, this is what's really occurring and OP doesn't want to say on here because wow, she is getting howled down as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

+1. I think OP and her husband sound perfect for each other! A horrible husband who badmouths his WIFE and a crazy wife who wants to mail letters. They deserve each other.

This is what happens when people with the maturity level of a small child decide to play house. I feel bad for the kids.

+1. And I hate posters that come here with some variation of "I'm perfectly fine wallowing in feces but what can I do about the smell?!" Lady, the smell can't be separated from the sh*t you're wallowing in. You want to keep laying in it? Fine, do you. But don't complain about the odor while you do so.

+1

THIS.

OP, sorry - you married a loser. I normally refrain from writing such harsh words, but you can't possibly deserve this big of a loser. Not only is he unbelievably immature, but he cares way too much what other people think. Was he abused as a child? I ask because sometimes grown men try to appease their abusers - I have seen it, and it is quite sad. People know who they can manipulate. Don't let him do this to you. He will be manipulated by these people (they are not friends, you have already established this) long after you are gone. You have to deserve better.