Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to Do the 180. Google it!!

That guy isn't sweet at all he's a flaming asshole. I would rather be alone with my kids forever than be with a dickweed like that.

Amen. There are plenty of fates worse than "being alone" and being married to a dude like OPs husband is right up there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.
.

And I've got a bridge...

Anonymous wrote:

The trips were not specifically to exclude me. The trips were for other reasons (big birthdays, etc), but DH told me that they were "guy trips" because he didn't want me to feel bad that his friends didn't want me there, but they were coed trips, and sometimes his friends told them they were "guys" trips and he says he was really surprised that there were girls, too.

Does writing these things down help you to believe them??

Lady your husband is the king of spin. A master manipulator.

+1 you're smarter than this, OP. Or you should be. He is a liar and a manipulator

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.
.

And I've got a bridge...

Anonymous wrote:

The trips were not specifically to exclude me. The trips were for other reasons (big birthdays, etc), but DH told me that they were "guy trips" because he didn't want me to feel bad that his friends didn't want me there, but they were coed trips, and sometimes his friends told them they were "guys" trips and he says he was really surprised that there were girls, too.

Does writing these things down help you to believe them??

Lady your husband is the king of spin. A master manipulator.

He's definitely a manipulator. Probably doesn't have to be a "master" manipulator, given how gullible OP appears to be.



+1 you're smarter than this, OP. Or you should be. He is a liar and a manipulator

[Anonymous]

The things is OP, a lot of men may make jokes about the ol ball and chain or others of that nature - but everyone knows they are joking. In this case, no one knew he was joking and people have reacted and are concerned for him and changing their own behavior to this. That is absolutely not normal. This is not a joke gone too far. It doesn't sound like your husband has ever said a positive thing about you. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.
.

And I've got a bridge...

Anonymous wrote:

The trips were not specifically to exclude me. The trips were for other reasons (big birthdays, etc), but DH told me that they were "guy trips" because he didn't want me to feel bad that his friends didn't want me there, but they were coed trips, and sometimes his friends told them they were "guys" trips and he says he was really surprised that there were girls, too.

Does writing these things down help you to believe them??

Lady your husband is the king of spin. A master manipulator.

+1 you're smarter than this, OP. Or you should be. He is a liar and a manipulator

He's definitely a manipulator. Probably doesn't have to be a "master" manipulator, given how gullible OP appears to be.

As for "you're smarter than this, OP" - I see no evidence of that. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

Wow. Okay, there is no hope for this marriage if that's how he's still approaching this and you're accepting it. Honestly OP I know you don't want to get divorced but I would start considering it - at least get some contingency plans in place.

And you're ridiculous if you think some weird letters are going to solve this - you're only going to become even more of the laughingstock for the group. Literally that is just going to make it worse. Also, he is only willing to entertain these letters because he got "caught"...he has zero desire to change and he's not even trying to pretend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect he’s bringing another woman to these couples trips you’re not invited to.

This is why he’s panicking.

Up until now his stories of being trapped in a bad marriage provided cover for bringing his AP on the Bro trips and to hang out with the guys. The affairs also explain why two friends don’t want to see him until he gets divorced. Some people can look the other way and even become enablers, some people cant.

Still, I can imagine it wouldn’t go over well if he told the friends that he was the a$$hole and really just wanted to use them to hide his affairs. That’s why he can’t have a conversation with the friends about this. He can’t just say “Sorry guys, this got out of hand, none of the horrible things I said about Larla are true.” Then he risks someone speaking up about the affairs or at the very least refusing to cover for him. Then he has to give up the affairs and he really really doesn’t want to do that.

The biggest indicator that there’s an affair or affairs are the two friends who want nothing to do with him until he gets divorced. They don’t want to support cheating and are staying away.

This theory makes a lot of sense, OP. I hope you'll at least consider the possibility. Perhaps as one of the two friends directly?

I completely agree with this. OP, your husband is boinking every bimbo he can get his paws on and his friends are sick of his crap. That's what's put the fear of god into him, he knows his cover is going to get blown soon. Get an STD check as soon as possible, stop sleeping with him, and demand that he come clean with his friends HIMSELF! Guarantee he'll refuse because he knows what will happen if he does.

Yup. Before you start counseling, get an STD test.

[Anonymous]

Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something you need to deal with directly with your husband. If and when the time comes he can deal directly with his friends to set things straight.

This.

Either he truly feels trapped by you...or that he settled...and he's miserable.

Or, he's crazy, immature and socially awkward and thought for whatever reason that pretending he was miserable would garner attention and support from his friends...but he truly is happily married.

Which is it? Honestly, I wouldn't want either scenario.

"WTF Dave? I really don't know what to think. Either you're truly miserable, or you've just been lying to everyone about being miserable...which is it? Honestly, I'm not sure which answer would be better. You've really painted yourself into a corner, and the only person who can fix this is you. What do you plan to do about this?"

Start there and see what he says. Of course, he will probably just tell you that he loves you...but then he'll go away with his friends and complain about you. You've married a liar...a crazy liar. I'm not sure how you bounce back from this, but the least of your worries should be what his friends think a lot you.

I would quietly lawyer up and get my ducks in a row just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am okay with what my husband has done. It has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of crying and screaming (me) and pleading (him), but I have forgiven him fully and want to start fresh.

I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.

Plus, we also have two kids together so I'm trying to be the mature and responsible one here. We will go to counseling and try to sort it out, but meanwhile, I need to know if his friends will accept me. I can't ask DH to choose me versus his friends, because he either chooses me (and his friends hate me even more) or he chooses his friends (and I lose him and our kids lose a dad). I don't see how DH and I will have a good foundation for a relationship as long as all his friends hate me and they are constantly trying to get him "out." I want his friends to like me, and he is willing to write the letters instead to make this work. What should he say? We both just want to repair this damage.

Oh honey. This is so sad to read...do you honestly believe that? You need to get a backbone - please consider seeing a therapist by yourself (and don't tell your husband you're doing it - he'll understandably freak out, becaue he knows any normal third party would respond as people on this thread are. Honestly he's probably kind of shocked you're actually buying it yourself.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something you need to deal with directly with your husband. If and when the time comes he can deal directly with his friends to set things straight.

This.

Either he truly feels trapped by you...or that he settled...and he's miserable.

Or, he's crazy, immature and socially awkward and thought for whatever reason that pretending he was miserable would garner attention and support from his friends...but he truly is happily married.

Which is it? Honestly, I wouldn't want either scenario.

"WTF Dave? I really don't know what to think. Either you're truly miserable, or you've just been lying to everyone about being miserable...which is it? Honestly, I'm not sure which answer would be better. You've really painted yourself into a corner, and the only person who can fix this is you. What do you plan to do about this?"

Start there and see what he says. Of course, he will probably just tell you that he loves you...but then he'll go away with his friends and complain about you. You've married a liar...a crazy liar. I'm not sure how you bounce back from this, but the least of your worries should be what his friends think a lot you.

I would quietly lawyer up and get my ducks in a row just in case.

This, majorly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a guy like your husband. Hated his girlfriend, accidentally got her pregnant. Told everyone he couldn't wait until youngest was 18 and he could divorce her. He now has three kids with her...we wish him well, but he made his own bed.

I know a couple like this too with kids. It makes all their close friends uncomfortable because of the things he's told them and the things they've witnessed (he brings around other women when he hangs out without her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

+1. I think OP and her husband sound perfect for each other! A horrible husband who badmouths his WIFE and a crazy wife who wants to mail letters. They deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Letters and emails to his friends? Seriously? Letters and emails to his friends are not solutions to the problem which is your husband (not his friends). Your husband is the one who has lied to and disrespected you for YEARS. His friends are only behaving this way because of the way HE behaves, and because he sends the message that HE is totally miserable and trapped.

+1. I think OP and her husband sound perfect for each other! A horrible husband who badmouths his WIFE and a crazy wife who wants to mail letters. They deserve each other.

This is what happens when people with the maturity level of a small child decide to play house. I feel bad for the kids.