Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

[Anonymous]

So you like the traditions that give you power but not the ones that take power away from you? If you want a traditional marriage(ie SAHM, husband making the money, etc, etc) you really can not just pick the traditions that are good for you. Did you split the check while dating or did he paid for everything? Also marriage is about compromising, what are you compromising?

where on earth did you get that OP wants to be a SAHM? and where is he compromising? To me, it seems that the person who is getting something taken away--her name--should be the decider. He loses nothing. and if you want to talk about "power"--if she gives up her name, she is giving up some part of her identity. If she keeps her name--what harm does it do to him? seriously?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I missed where these traditions are codified. Can you point me to them? Wait! They're not! As the PP said, traditions can be shed, reshaped or created to fit your family! Whew! Good thing!

I think the PP's point related to hypocrisy than reshaping traditions. For example, I think that if the OP expected her man to get down on one knee, ask her father for permission to ask for her hand, etc. because it was "tradition" to do so it she would need to be open to him asking her to take her name because it was "traditional" as well.

Now, the next series of poster are going to say that a name-change is more invasive than getting down on one knee. True.

However, then the discussion focuses on how much effort is need to follow a tradition, not how important the tradition is to each person. If he does not feel like he is married to someone who will not share his name then it may be time for each person to find someone new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I missed where these traditions are codified. Can you point me to them? Wait! They're not! As the PP said, traditions can be shed, reshaped or created to fit your family! Whew! Good thing!

I think the PP's point related to hypocrisy than reshaping traditions. For example, I think that if the OP expected her man to get down on one knee, ask her father for permission to ask for her hand, etc. because it was "tradition" to do so it she would need to be open to him asking her to take her name because it was "traditional" as well.

Now, the next series of poster are going to say that a name-change is more invasive than getting down on one knee. True.

However, then the discussion focuses on how much effort is need to follow a tradition, not how important the tradition is to each person. If he does not feel like he is married to someone who will not share his name then it may be time for each person to find someone new.

You're missing (or purposely ignoring) the fact that he told her in the past that this wasn't important to him, until all of a sudden it was brought up as an ultimatum. It's perfectly reasonable to say "you picked a traditional guy who said these things were important to him, now you have to compromise with his values" but what's happening here seems to be more of a power play simply for the sake of exerting power -- he has told her in the past this is not important to him, he knows it is important to her, but he's making it his line in the sand for no apparent reason.

There are definitely traditional people who hold these values near and dear, and while I wouldn't marry one I recognize that their beliefs are sincere and the people who marry/date them should engage with them respectfully and compromise where appropriate. OP's fiance is demonstrably not one of those people, he's just manipulating her either (1) to set her up for a lifetime of them as a couple doing whatever he wants, regardless of his reasoning, her beliefs, or how it affects her, or (2) to get out of a marriage he's not interested in going through with.

[Anonymous]

Red flag! I would be very concerned about his change of opinion on this topic and how he all of a sudden really cares about this and wants you to make a major change in what his stance was before that dramatically affects your identity, etc. If it is around commitment and wanting whole family to have the same last name, is he even willing to engage the conversation about other options (new joint last name, including your name in both of yours, etc.)?

I hate the whole tradition of only women changing their names... but I also like the idea of family members all having the same last name. I really think the tradition needs to change to married couples coming up with new last names together. I was very torn on what to do when I got married almost 20 years ago. I did end up changing my name (even though DH said he was very supportive of me keeping my name), and sometimes I still wish I kept my name. We have a great marriage - so it has nothing to do with a marriage in trouble. It just feels so one-sided and unfair to my heritage and another example of how our society isn't very supportive of women. Even women in the Middle East have a tradition of keeping their last names and they aren't exactly known for their pro-women stances.

Good luck but this topic clearly requires some more conversation before you move forward with the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Six pages in. Did OP ever come back once? I don't think so. That is really annoying.

Nope. Long text, high drama, no follow up = troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, for crying out loud, just take his name. Not a hill to die on. Be the bigger person. I get that you shouldn't have to be the one to compromise, but you can make a sacrifice for someone you love, even if it is grossly unfair and he's just being bullheaded. How old are you? You've already put in almost five years in this relationship, can you afford another 5 or so before you find love again and still be able to bear children?

I think if you give in you can use it as leverage for something important you want, like if you want more kids an him down the line.

Are you for real? I can't believe someone would even think this...why should the OP settle for someone who is immature and sexist? If you're a woman, you should be ashamed of yourself and your internalized misogyny.

[Anonymous]

If he wants you guys to have same name then he changes his. That's his perogative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wants you guys to have same name then he changes his. That's his perogative.

+1

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s not actually about the name. I think your fiancé is picking a fight because he actually doesn’t want to get married. Maybe he won’t even admit it to himself. I used to have an ex who would pick fights about trivial things. It was never about the trivial things. He just didn’t want to be in the relationship but was too wimpy to recognize t and say so.

[Anonymous]

This all really comes down to poor communication. I agree it's a red flag, but not disqualifing like many folks on here are calling for.

Look: marriage is making an active choice to commit to one person. That's it. You are getting a small taste of marriage. It's a windy road, and always will be. If you truly love him and want to be with him, and you believe he feels the same, then try to work this out.

It's obvious he's insecure about this topic. The ultimatum is likely signals an inability to communicate this insecurity. It's not uncommon for men to fail at communication (women too, but men mostly) when it involves emotions.

Honestly, I think the sensitivity of the topic will likely require a third party to help talk through it. I would suggest paying for a therapist or social worker to assist. DCUM is a bad space for this. It's easy to go "feminist hulk" on someone on a keyboard. Less so when your fiancé is in your face. People are complex. Allow room for mistakes and growth. And be quick to listen and slow to judge.

[Anonymous]

Hell no. This is a Victorian idea. Women aren't chattel or owned by a man. I wish my husband had "insisted I take his name." Deal breaker. Sign of other bad things to come.

[Anonymous]

DH here. I would feel like OP's fiancé. A family needs one name (I think). OP's refusal to take finance's would make me feel like she wasn't fully committed to have a family together. Also, it's humiliating to him. I'd be embarrassed if my wife had a different name.

I fully understand that some people have very different views. I am surprised after four years thought that OP is surprised.... Did this come out of left field?

[Anonymous]

1. Keep your name professionally. No need to change your email address or business cards. Be Suzy Smith.

2. Hyphenate your name once you are married. Change your SS card, drivers license and passport. Your legal name will become Suzy Smith-Jones.

3. Your future children will be Larla and Larlo Smith-Jones. You will be the Smith-Jones family. Honestly, after you have kids, you will likely want to share your last name. It's annoying having to say, "I'm Suzy Smith...Larla Jones' mother."

4. Ask your fiancée if he wants to hyphenate or simply remain Dave Jones while you and the kids hyphenate. I'm curious what he thinks about THAT.

FWIW, everything I said above is what I did (although I use my hyphenated name professionally...because it quickly became my identity). I would not want to have a different last name from my kids...I think that's weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Keep your name professionally. No need to change your email address or business cards. Be Suzy Smith.

2. Hyphenate your name once you are married. Change your SS card, drivers license and passport. Your legal name will become Suzy Smith-Jones.

3. Your future children will be Larla and Larlo Smith-Jones. You will be the Smith-Jones family. Honestly, after you have kids, you will likely want to share your last name. It's annoying having to say, "I'm Suzy Smith...Larla Jones' mother."

4. Ask your fiancée if he wants to hyphenate or simply remain Dave Jones while you and the kids hyphenate. I'm curious what he thinks about THAT.

FWIW, everything I said above is what I did (although I use my hyphenated name professionally...because it quickly became my identity). I would not want to have a different last name from my kids...I think that's weird.

Why can’t the kids have dad’s last name? It’s your choice not to change your name, why should they be saddled with a hyphenate name forever? If you choose to keep your name, you choose to be different from the family. I see it the same way as most people see combining their finances. If you’re all in, everything should be shared. I view the last name in the same fashion. I’m not a man, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's so important to him, he should change his name. Refusal to do so makes me question his commitment.

+1