Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

Um, no. Is he a man or a sheep, blindly following others?

[Anonymous]

Kept my name and it was never an issue with dh. However, I think women should do what they're comfortable with and I have no problem with women changing their names. But whether this is something you can do in order to avoid a conflict and still be happy down the road is something I can't really determine since I don't know you. But I will say this. There are times when marriage is hard - especially in that period where you have small children and new careers and limited income. (Been there. Done that.) At times like that having shared values is really important in keeping you together. I wonder if he is the right one for you.

Good luck in sorting this out, OP! Let us know how it works out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oops, didn’t see that you double posted. Copying my reply from the other thread.


Can you legally change it and continue to use your maiden name professionally since that appears to be your concern? I have a co-worker who’s done this for a decade and it’s perfectly fine. Her email and everything is still her maiden name.

I used to feel like you do when I got married and I think my XH was a little slighted by it but never said much about it. Looking back, now that I’m divorced from him, I often wonder if the fact that I didn’t want to change it was a subconscious sign that we weren’t meant to be together and I was settling because he was a great guy and looked good on paper. I’m engaged again and getting married next year and honestly, I can’t wait to change my name this time. I’m so proud of my fiancé and happy to share the same name with him.

Just my opinion and food for thought.

No, it was not a subconscious sign. Lots of people don't take their husband's name and are happily married. Like me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kept my name and it was never an issue with dh. However, I think women should do what they're comfortable with and I have no problem with women changing their names. But whether this is something you can do in order to avoid a conflict and still be happy down the road is something I can't really determine since I don't know you. But I will say this. There are times when marriage is hard - especially in that period where you have small children and new careers and limited income. (Been there. Done that.) At times like that having shared values is really important in keeping you together. I wonder if he is the right one for you.

Good luck in sorting this out, OP! Let us know how it works out!

I totally agree with the above.

I'm the opposite, though - I changed my name. However, I had always hated my maiden name, and my DH has an AWESOME last name. It's cool, it's strong, it's simple, and not very common. Seriously, people comment regularly on what an awesome last name it is.

I think it's very telling that when the rubber hits the road, your fiance now has a problem with something you told him from the beginning. Either he wasn't honest in the beginning about his feelings, or he is looking for an out. I agree with the couples counseling to suss out which it is.

[Anonymous]

Thirties here, and amomg my (NE) boarding school and Ivy League college friends, I think it split around 40/60, with the smaller percentage taking their husbands' names, usually by making their maiden name into their middle name.

OP, on so many levels, I'd feel concerned in your shoes. I'd worry that his stance reveals his hidden subscription to other outdated or old-fashioned gender norms having to do with childrearing and domestic work. I'd worry that his adamant stance suggests an inflexibility and lack of compassion that would plague us in every instance of disagreement. Above all, I'd worry about what else he'd managed to keep hidden from me until now.

He clearly thinks you want to marry him enough to abandon something very important to you. But do you? Do you want to marry someone who would ask such a thing of you, knowing how unhappy it made you?

I suggest counseling. At best, he's concerned about the question of future children having a different name than their mother (or concerned you'd want to give them your name), and those concerns can be addressed and discussed and allayed. At worst... be glad you're discovering this aspect of him now, because a broken engagement is far easier to manage than a broken marriage, even though it must feel gutting at present to contemplate.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't he change HIS last name if it's such an important display of devotion to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kept my name and it was never an issue with dh. However, I think women should do what they're comfortable with and I have no problem with women changing their names. But whether this is something you can do in order to avoid a conflict and still be happy down the road is something I can't really determine since I don't know you. But I will say this. There are times when marriage is hard - especially in that period where you have small children and new careers and limited income. (Been there. Done that.) At times like that having shared values is really important in keeping you together. I wonder if he is the right one for you.

Good luck in sorting this out, OP! Let us know how it works out!

I totally agree with the above.

I'm the opposite, though - I changed my name. However, I had always hated my maiden name, and my DH has an AWESOME last name. It's cool, it's strong, it's simple, and not very common. Seriously, people comment regularly on what an awesome last name it is.

I think it's very telling that when the rubber hits the road, your fiance now has a problem with something you told him from the beginning. Either he wasn't honest in the beginning about his feelings, or he is looking for an out. I agree with the couples counseling to suss out which it is.

My DH jokes that I took his last name because it was shorter and a "step up" and I don't deny it. Let's be honest on an anonymous message board that there are some last names that take true love to take on.

In all seriousness to OP, definitely go to pre-marital counseling to talk this out. It's hard to say if he is getting cold feet and using this as an out, if this is his MO to say things are cool and then go "this is my way or the highway", if this is a pre-cursor to traditional values about domestic duties and child rearing etc. I am also curious about how old you and your fiancé are and if there was a specific reason you guys waited 4 years to get engaged I.e. You were finishing school, really young, not ready for marriage etc.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want confused kids. Can't blame him.

[Anonymous]

To others, The silly hyphen and not taking the last name makes you look like a divorce or a difficult person

[Anonymous]

My dh and I had the exact same fights for me I didn't want to go from uncommon last name to very common last name. The compromise was that I hyphenate my last name professionally and legally. Socially I will accept just his so I don't go crazy if at a wedding our place card says mr and mrs x and not mr x and mrs x-y. The kids also have his last name. And when I go into school to pick them up or meet with a teacher and they call me Mrs x I don't get offended or correct them. We have been married 15 years and this was the only old fashioned thing about him. He does laundry, dishes, and is equal partner with the kids.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

https://mom.me/kids/18033-mistake-kept-maiden-name/

[Anonymous]

Disrespectful to choose your father's name over your husband's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disrespectful to choose your father's name over your husband's.

BS. It’s her family name. Why should she take his family name to be “respectful”? How will he be respectful? Or maybe that’s just not important in your idea of marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, for crying out loud, just take his name. Not a hill to die on. Be the bigger person. I get that you shouldn't have to be the one to compromise, but you can make a sacrifice for someone you love, even if it is grossly unfair and he's just being bullheaded. How old are you? You've already put in almost five years in this relationship, can you afford another 5 or so before you find love again and still be able to bear children?

I think if you give in you can use it as leverage for something important you want, like if you want more kids an him down the line.

You sound desperate PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disrespectful to choose your father's name over your husband's.

How is her husband's name considered "his" but her name is her fathers. They were both given a name at birth. They both want to keep their name.