Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't marry him. He's old fashioned in his views, tries to impose his will on you in a matter that is much more your business than his, and is not open to conflict resolution. These are red flags.

All the above.

[Anonymous]

f

[Anonymous]

He can change his name to yours to demonstrate the commitment.

I wouldn't marry someone who couldn't respect my personal autonomy, so this would actually be my hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't marry him. He's old fashioned in his views, tries to impose his will on you in a matter that is much more your business than his, and is not open to conflict resolution. These are red flags.

Plus it's manipulative to say he's fine with it the whole time you're dating, then propose and spring it on you that this is a deal breaker. He was apparently fine with lying to you for years because he knew he could manipulate you with an ultimatum when it came time to get married.

Is this a conflict resolution style you're comfortable with for the next 50 years, OP? He'll lie to you so you think you're on the same page, then say "my way or the highway" when time to make the actual decision comes around?

[Anonymous]

Oops, didn’t see that you double posted. Copying my reply from the other thread.


Can you legally change it and continue to use your maiden name professionally since that appears to be your concern? I have a co-worker who’s done this for a decade and it’s perfectly fine. Her email and everything is still her maiden name.

I used to feel like you do when I got married and I think my XH was a little slighted by it but never said much about it. Looking back, now that I’m divorced from him, I often wonder if the fact that I didn’t want to change it was a subconscious sign that we weren’t meant to be together and I was settling because he was a great guy and looked good on paper. I’m engaged again and getting married next year and honestly, I can’t wait to change my name this time. I’m so proud of my fiancé and happy to share the same name with him.

Just my opinion and food for thought.

[Anonymous]

You have to explore whether this is a surface fight masking a deeper issue, whether that's ambivalence about marriage or a decidedly old-fashioned bent or something else. I agree it's manipulative to be cool with it while dating, then spring it as a deal-breaker, but people can genuinely feel differently when confronted with a situation than they thought they would. If that's legit his explanation, then you will have to decide if it's a deal-breaker to you. You'll have to talk it out and balance the intensity of each person's feelings on the subject. Good practice for actual marriage.

My DH knew all along I was fairly adamant about not changing my name. We got engaged. He may have brought it up one time, and I shot it down. I'm NOT saying it would have been a deal-breaker for me, I honestly don't know because we didn't get to that point. I kept my name. The kids have his name, and I think he decided at some point that was most important to him. I use his last name socially on occasion, don't really go out of my way either way. Married 7 years, 3 kids, wayyyy bigger fish to fry these days anyway.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to take your name to show his commitment.

To me there are red flags all over this. It's dishonest and manipulative behavior. If he does this sort of thing now, what will he do when there are kids involved?

[Anonymous]

The embarrassment is total bs. I'd be embarrassed with a husband who can't get over himself. How about he change his name? The fact that he can't come around to this in this day and age is a huge flag. Please consider what other things he will not be on board with and not on the same page with you. You don't have to agree on everything in a marriage, but identity and certain values need to be important to both.

Among my group of friends it's about 50/50 with keeping name after marriage. I did and my dh insisted I keep it since I'm published, established in a career and it a big part of my identity.

[Anonymous]

whoa. what bothers me is that he cares more about what OTHER people think than what YOU feel. That is a big red flag. Its not so much the actual impact of changing name (which is huge) but the way that he has pivoted his position and that his only defense is that he'll be embarassed. And its manipulative to say that he's questioning your commitment--changing your name was never a test of commitment. It could just as easily be turned around (his commitment).

And honestly, I can't really fathom any social circles in which a man would be embarrassed by the fact that his wife kept her own name. And I certainly wouldn't want to be part of those circles if they exist.

I say you make 3 appointments with for premarital counseling, but honestly this does not bode well for the long term--. Neither of you should be strong armed into doing something against your values. I would also wonder what other rigid, old fashioned ideas about gender and marriage he might be harboring, that he was previously okay with.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like an asshole. Don't marry him - I assure you that this is just the tip of the iceberg!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like an asshole. Don't marry him - I assure you that this is just the tip of the iceberg!

+1.

- someone who took my husband's name

[Anonymous]

kels968 wrote:My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news.

But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel.

I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it.

I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation.

Now, prior to this we were have a great time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me.

Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I have once again tried to talk to him but he is still very adamant on his view on this subject.
He says, people will always have opinions, and while I do not agree with all of them, I do welcome them, however I think we have taken this conversation as far as we can. The rest is up to you
I have tried all of the options but the man is not willing to see my point of view in such an important decision.

He always says, you have to consider my feelings in this . You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. That’s how I see it.

It's YOUR name, and he has no right to tell you what to call himself. The fact that he's pouting about it so much is a red flag. Next he'll tell you you have stay stop working because it looks bad to have kids in day care.

I kept my name and my husband didn't care at all!

[Anonymous]

ugh. insecurity is so unattractive. I wouldn't bend on this, frankly, not because it's actually important but because it is actually not. (probably, depends on your profession, publishing record, etc).

Marriage involves bending and compromising on plenty of unimportant and important things, but if this dumb thing (being "embarrassed" that you won't take his name) is a dealbreaker for him at the outset, he needs to grow the hell up, stop worrying about what his 19th century friends think, and start worrying about what his wife thinks. it's your name, you're going to keep it because it's you and because you use it professionally already. if he thinks it is an important symbol of commitment, he is welcome to take your name. you'll be more convinced of his commitment, especially now that he is inventing dumb reasons to call things off.

[Anonymous]

I said I would change mine and just seem to be busy 2 years later.

[Anonymous]

he sounds very insecure. your name has NOTHING to do with your commitment. and I hate it when women think they have to justify keeping their names because of "professional reasons"--thats BS. its YOUR NAME. you don't have to justify keeping it to anyone for any reason at all.