Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH here. I would feel like OP's fiancé. A family needs one name (I think). OP's refusal to take finance's would make me feel like she wasn't fully committed to have a family together. Also, it's humiliating to him. I'd be embarrassed if my wife had a different name.

I fully understand that some people have very different views. I am surprised after four years thought that OP is surprised.... Did this come out of left field?

She said in the OP that he told her many times throughout the past several years that he was fine with her keeping her name. Now he is suddenly pitching a fit about it. So yes, it did come out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

I have to say that I am surprised at some of these responses, and must assume that many come from outside the dc metro area. I didn't change my name, my husband couldn't care less, and it has never been the slightest problem in connection with my children. OUr local public school is full of moms with different last names,either because they chose not to, or because culturally it is not done, for example Hispanic and Asian moms.

[Anonymous]

Take his last name socially but professionally tell him you are keeping yours.
Tell him that once and then stop discussing it. If he can't get over it call it off.

And 4 years? Engaged for 4 years? That's a long time.

Men who get hung up on these little details tend to be very controlling about a lot of things - especially once the kids come along.Do you really want to live this life FOREVER? It's really too bad that you wasted 4 years with him what were you thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[/b]I have to say that I am surprised at some of these responses, and must assume that many come from outside the dc metro area. I didn't change my name, my husband couldn't care less,[b] and it has never been the slightest problem in connection with my children. OUr local public school is full of moms with different last names,either because they chose not to, or because culturally it is not done, for example Hispanic and Asian moms.

Out of the DC area and maybe lower class? Are you maybe retail, waitstaff and construction workers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I think you are quite dim.

Legacy acceptance to college...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say that I am surprised at some of these responses, and must assume that many come from outside the dc metro area. I didn't change my name, my husband couldn't care less, and it has never been the slightest problem in connection with my children. OUr local public school is full of moms with different last names,either because they chose not to, or because culturally it is not done, for example Hispanic and Asian moms.

+1 Changing your surname is a pretty distinctly Anglo/American thing, so if you are in a school with a large international population, it is going to be significantly less common. It's fairly myopic to assume that every culture has the same "traditions" as the United States, and there are a good many people in the United States who have been here for generations and do not have name changing as part of their "tradition."

I mean, there are plenty of kids in my children's school that don't even share a last name with either of their parents because that's not how naming culture works where they come from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want confused kids. Can't blame him.

Confused kids? If your kid can only remember one name(dads) and not the other (mom's) maybe you shouldn't have had them because their collective brain power isn't going to be contributing anything to this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Keep your name professionally. No need to change your email address or business cards. Be Suzy Smith.

2. Hyphenate your name once you are married. Change your SS card, drivers license and passport. Your legal name will become Suzy Smith-Jones.

3. Your future children will be Larla and Larlo Smith-Jones. You will be the Smith-Jones family. Honestly, after you have kids, you will likely want to share your last name. It's annoying having to say, "I'm Suzy Smith...Larla Jones' mother."

4. Ask your fiancée if he wants to hyphenate or simply remain Dave Jones while you and the kids hyphenate. I'm curious what he thinks about THAT.

FWIW, everything I said above is what I did (although I use my hyphenated name professionally...because it quickly became my identity). I would not want to have a different last name from my kids...I think that's weird.

Why can’t the kids have dad’s last name? It’s your choice not to change your name, why should they be saddled with a hyphenate name forever? If you choose to keep your name, you choose to be different from the family. I see it the same way as most people see combining their finances. If you’re all in, everything should be shared. I view the last name in the same fashion. I’m not a man, by the way.

I'm the person you quoted.

The hyphenated last name is the best of both worlds: I still have my name, and I take my husband's name, and our children have both our names. I left it up to my husband to choose whether or not to hyphenate. He opted not to. His choice. But I compromised, and I'm happy I did. I really wanted to have a family name that included my name as well, and I wanted to have the same last name as my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DH here. I would feel like OP's fiancé. A family needs one name (I think). OP's refusal to take finance's would make me feel like she wasn't fully committed to have a family together. Also, it's humiliating to him. I'd be embarrassed if my wife had a different name.

I fully understand that some people have very different views. I am surprised after four years thought that OP is surprised.... Did this come out of left field?

Sweetie - you should be eternakly thankful that someone agreed to marry you and bear your children. And the zillion other things she's doing for you.
You don't seem to grasp that at all - typical male entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want confused kids. Can't blame him.

Your kids must be stupid if they are so easily confused. The 2-mom families must give them a seizure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I think you are quite dim.

Are you asserting that a majority of dcum’ers didn’t change their name?

I think younger millennials and gen z are going to be more traditional with this as well

I'm sorry, you think younger generations are going to be MORE traditional around marriage and name changes? You have no, no idea do you?

If you’ve noticed, gen z and younger millennials want to get married earlier And sahm more than gen x and older millennials

There was a huge thread on this on here last year. Either in this forum or off-topic

On issues like abortion and sex, that data is showing gen z is more conservative than gen x

BWAHAHAHAHA. You must not be reading about how Tinder has destroyed having actual relationships, and how marriage is no longer the first choice for younger people.

[Anonymous]

It's stupid and a sign of a controlling crazy woman who will end up having affairs and a lot of psychiatric issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's stupid and a sign of a controlling crazy woman who will end up having affairs and a lot of psychiatric issues

Are you sure you are not simply over generalizing a bit there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's stupid and a sign of a controlling crazy man who will end up having affairs and a lot of control issues

FTFY

[Anonymous]

I never changed my last name because I like it. I'm the only one in a big, traditional family who decided (dared?) to keep my maiden name. My mother and sister were aghast. That was more that 20 years ago now. You have to stand firm. My husband doesn't care.

Use your maiden name for work and your married name socially. It seems to cut down on the confusion. Create a family email account using your married name.

If somebody else has a problem with this, then that's their issue. That your fiance has a problem with it is a huge red flag to me.