Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

[kels968]

My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news.

But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel.

I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it.

I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation.

Now, prior to this we were have a great time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me.

Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I have once again tried to talk to him but he is still very adamant on his view on this subject.
He says, people will always have opinions, and while I do not agree with all of them, I do welcome them, however I think we have taken this conversation as far as we can. The rest is up to you
I have tried all of the options but the man is not willing to see my point of view in such an important decision.

He always says, you have to consider my feelings in this . You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. That’s how I see it.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't want to get married and picked a fight that will end it. (he hopes)

[Anonymous]

You can take his name socially, but leave it legally. Or you can change your name to his legally, but keep it professionally. It's just a name, you guys are making way too big a deal of it. I would just compromise in some way. Can you hyphenate? Like Smith-Perez?

[Anonymous]

Are you both American? Your writing doesn't sound like it. What about him?

[Anonymous]

Tell him you can both adopt a new last name, together. That's commitment from both of you.

He'll refuse of course, but at least it will expose that it's not about commitment at all.

[Anonymous]

"You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. "

Did you meet him in another country or another century?

[Anonymous]

Don't marry someone so insecure.

[Anonymous]

My SIL uses her maiden name professionally because she works with criminals. She doesn't want them to be able to look her up. Personally/legally she uses her married name. You could do that.

Couples counseling. That's what you two need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you can both adopt a new last name, together. That's commitment from both of you.

He'll refuse of course, but at least it will expose that it's not about commitment at all.

My friend and her husband did this. THey picked a GREAT name.

[Anonymous]

Agree with your parents. Besides, it's 21st century. Get over the name thing. I suspect the issue is not the name, it's him and his ego.

[Anonymous]

Oh, for crying out loud, just take his name. Not a hill to die on. Be the bigger person. I get that you shouldn't have to be the one to compromise, but you can make a sacrifice for someone you love, even if it is grossly unfair and he's just being bullheaded. How old are you? You've already put in almost five years in this relationship, can you afford another 5 or so before you find love again and still be able to bear children?

I think if you give in you can use it as leverage for something important you want, like if you want more kids an him down the line.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to change his name, and see how that correlates to his commitment to you

[Anonymous]

If it's so important to him, he should change his name. Refusal to do so makes me question his commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, for crying out loud, just take his name. Not a hill to die on. Be the bigger person. I get that you shouldn't have to be the one to compromise, but you can make a sacrifice for someone you love, even if it is grossly unfair and he's just being bullheaded. How old are you? You've already put in almost five years in this relationship, can you afford another 5 or so before you find love again and still be able to bear children?

I think if you give in you can use it as leverage for something important you want, like if you want more kids an him down the line.

Nah.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't marry him. He's old fashioned in his views, tries to impose his will on you in a matter that is much more your business than his, and is not open to conflict resolution. These are red flags.