Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!

[Anonymous]

kels968 wrote:My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news.

But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel.

I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it.

I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation.

Now, prior to this we were have a great time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me.

Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I have once again tried to talk to him but he is still very adamant on his view on this subject.
He says, people will always have opinions, and while I do not agree with all of them, I do welcome them, however I think we have taken this conversation as far as we can. The rest is up to you
I have tried all of the options but the man is not willing to see my point of view in such an important decision.

He always says, you have to consider my feelings in this . You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. That’s how I see it.

So you like the traditions that give you power but not the ones that take power away from you? If you want a traditional marriage(ie SAHM, husband making the money, etc, etc) you really can not just pick the traditions that are good for you. Did you split the check while dating or did he paid for everything? Also marriage is about compromising, what are you compromising?

[Anonymous]

I would do a few sessions of counseling with him. But I agree with the other posts that he's not that into you. I foresee a difficult marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be hyphenating my name; case closed.

But is your partner hypenating as well? This is honestly my least favorite solution. While Jennifer Zablowski-Smith isn't a bad name, it does get cumbersome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do a few sessions of counseling with him. But I agree with the other posts that he's not that into you. I foresee a difficult marriage.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.

Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

I think you are quite dim.

Are you asserting that a majority of dcum’ers didn’t change their name?

I think younger millennials and gen z are going to be more traditional with this as well

If they are, it will be to prove they're married in generations where that is less and less common.
A shared name will be like code for their money, degrees, and stability.

[Anonymous]

Six pages in. Did OP ever come back once? I don't think so. That is really annoying.

[Anonymous]

OP, your own parents have very gently tried to tell you not to marry this guy. Listen to them. His pouty, freezing you out behavior is a glimpse of what a future with him will look like. Break it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

kels968 wrote:My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news.

But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel.

I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it.

I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation.

Now, prior to this we were have a great time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me.

Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I have once again tried to talk to him but he is still very adamant on his view on this subject.
He says, people will always have opinions, and while I do not agree with all of them, I do welcome them, however I think we have taken this conversation as far as we can. The rest is up to you
I have tried all of the options but the man is not willing to see my point of view in such an important decision.

He always says, you have to consider my feelings in this . You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. That’s how I see it.

So you like the traditions that give you power but not the ones that take power away from you? If you want a traditional marriage(ie SAHM, husband making the money, etc, etc) you really can not just pick the traditions that are good for you. Did you split the check while dating or did he paid for everything? Also marriage is about compromising, what are you compromising?

Baloney. We should all shed the traditions we dont like and keep the ones we like.

[Anonymous]

If a couple plans to have children, I've never really understood the "keeping my name" stuff. Personally, I like the idea of unifying my family under one name and having the same last name as my children. I understand keeping your last name for professional reasons or for whatever reason. I just think it becomes silly when it plays out over generations.

All that aside, the OP's finance is a jerk and I hope she calls off the engagement.

[Anonymous]

How about if you keep your name legally but let it slide when people call you "Mrs. Jones"? You can be the Jones Family even if you're actually Smith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To others, The silly hyphen and not taking the last name makes you look like a divorce or a difficult person

Agree. I’ve never met a person with a hyphenated name whom I could tolerate for more than a few minutes at a time. Always insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To others, The silly hyphen and not taking the last name makes you look like a divorce or a difficult person

Agree. I’ve never met a person with a hyphenated name whom I could tolerate for more than a few minutes at a time. Always insufferable.

We don't like you either.

[Anonymous]

So you like the traditions that give you power but not the ones that take power away from you? If you want a traditional marriage(ie SAHM, husband making the money, etc, etc) you really can not just pick the traditions that are good for you. Did you split the check while dating or did he paid for everything? Also marriage is about compromising, what are you compromising?

I'm sorry, I missed where these traditions are codified. Can you point me to them? Wait! They're not! As the PP said, traditions can be shed, reshaped or created to fit your family! Whew! Good thing!

[Anonymous]

kels968 wrote:My fiance and I have been together for almost 4 years and he proposed to me earlier this year and it couldn’t have been more perfect. My family and friends had been expecting him to get down on one knee and were over the moon when we broke the news.

But, since then we have been constantly bickering over my decision to keep ym last name. My fiancé has become adamant about me taking his last name after we’re married. When we bicker , the things we bicker about are representations of how we feel.

I’ve always told him that I was keeping my name for professional reasons, which he’s always been fine with, but now he has a problem with it.

I’ve met his family numerous times and have told them long ago that I’d keep my name and they were fine with it and never mentioned it again and I was very grateful that they were so understanding. They have always welcomed me with open arms, but my fiance is suddenly nt comfortable with me keeping my name. He says, it shows lack of committment. I don’t even know how to reply to that. I’m all-in. I just want to keep my name. I can’t believe this is even a conversation.

Now, prior to this we were have a great time planning our wedding but now he merely nods whenever I broach the subject of our marriage. I thought maybe we’d set the wedding date later in the year but now I don’t see it happening. I’ve not said anything about wedding in the past week but he still seems a bit distant. Nobody’s giving anyone a silent treatment , but he seems a bit hurt and focus more of his time on his work than me.

Even my parents says that neither of us will be happy if one of us caves in on the subject, they says it’s not a good way to start a life together. Now, I don’t consider my fiance old fahioned but he really wants me to take his name.

I don’t even know what to do anymore.

I have once again tried to talk to him but he is still very adamant on his view on this subject.
He says, people will always have opinions, and while I do not agree with all of them, I do welcome them, however I think we have taken this conversation as far as we can. The rest is up to you
I have tried all of the options but the man is not willing to see my point of view in such an important decision.

He always says, you have to consider my feelings in this . You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. That’s how I see it.

NP here and have not read the replies yet, but I had a similar issue. He didn't care, then suddenly does care--that means someone "got" to him. Like a brother. (fyi this may also come up if you get pregnant with a boy; especially if your fiance is a Jr. or III. Someone in the family says "you have to name him Larlo Jr. and all of a sudden you're in a pickle)

The issue can be teased apart, first legally vs. socially. Within socially, it can further be divided into different social circle subsets (and work circle subsets). So the idea that worked for us was that we agreed that I'd go by Ms. MaidenName for work, then go by Ms. HusbandName when dealing with his family, his parents' friends or family friends. We were silly about it so we also agreed I'd go by Ms. HusbandName if in his home state or if flying over his home state. I think with his law firm we stuck with my maiden name, but fyi I would be ok either way with how they knew me.

We've been married 20 years and it's fine. The issue goes away, really, when you have other issues, this is a tiny fish to fry. When our kids went to school, their little classmates called me Ms. HusbandName and I never corrected them; and the classmates' parents ended up assuming my name was Ms. HusbandName because of our children's last name. I just let it roll.

Very important because you said he said "embarrassed." At the wedding, let them announce you as Mr. and Mrs. HusbandName. It will have no impact on you, but big impact if his family is behind this, and therefore big impact on your future DH.

Now I'll say something else...you can always change your name. So one strategy re this is to say to him, "honey, getting married involves so many big changes. You can introduce me however you want, and let's talk about the legalities 6 months after the wedding." It will possibly go away, and if it doesn't, then you can figure it out then.

[Anonymous]

OP just don’t do it. He’s showing you what your life will be like. Believe him. I wish I would have. Now a name change is the least of my worries. But at one time it was a big deal. I should have paid attention.