Reply to Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I had the opposite experience regarding the Gottman principles, so it may not be Gottman itself at issue. My feeling about it was that if you are (as we were) committed to staying together, it at least is helpful to minimize the day-to-day toxicity that Gottman addresses very well.

But don't delude yourself; Gottman-based couples therapy doesn't address the underlying issues regarding your character.

OP, you fundamentally have to decide whether you care about living a life in which what you say you are doing and what you are actually doing (and what you say you have done, and what you have actually done) are the same.

If you don't prioritize this you may be able to do almost anything to keep a marriage together. If you do prioritize it you may find that it is intolerable to keep up the lie over the long term.

Some of the wayward spouses posting here to say that they did, or you should, never tell are living at a profound level of dissociation from their own actions. For some people that is comfortable--even preferable. For others it is completely unmanageable. You're the only one who knows, or can say, which you are.

I also got a postnup and in your shoes I would be prepared to offer one. [/quote]

Do you have advice for somebody to draft the post-nup?  This is advice nobody ever mentions.  The betrayed would be better off investing in this stuff than hocus pocus therapy where it’s next to impossible tin find a good, legit therapist.[/quote]

In this area, Zamani and Associates: https://www.zamaniassociates.com

Unlike in your estate planning, you can't be represented by the same attorneys in a postnup negotiation. You have separate interests and you will both need attorneys. There are requirements having to do with disclosure of assets and the elements of the postnup contract and you need an attorney who has done a lot of them (and seen them litigated about) to do this correctly.

It is not a quick fix--my experience was that given how formidable a process it is, I had to really decide to remain married in the first place before getting into the postnup discussion.

This may not be useful for the OP because s/he is the cheater. But as the person who was cheated on, the postnup gave me a sense of safety that has enabled me to re-engage fully and move on. (In our case, the assets that could have been declared "marital" were disproportionately the result of my work for pay and my fear of losing them if my spouse cheated again was very paralyzing; this may not be as big a deal if you feel that the accounting of "marital" assets 50/50 would pretty much reflect the burden of work in the marriage anyway.)

Note that you can't negotiate anything having to do with custody or child support in a postnup.[/quote]

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