Reply to Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?

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Reply to "Unfaithful Spouse, how did you get over affair and save your marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] Its interesting, I cheated, my spouse doesn't want to divorce but doesn't want to go to counseling to work on the problems in our marriage, and doesn't want to have sex, so we are stuck till I get the courage to divorce.[/quote]

It’s really not your spouse’s responsibility to fix the marriage, and infidelity experts agree that marriage counseling after cheating is not the first step.  The cheater needs individual counseling to figure out how they are “broken” - why was cheating ok and how was it rationalized?  A bad marriage does not cause cheating, and just you thinking that is the problem says so much about you.  You and your spouse were in the same marriage with the same problems?  Did she cheat?  Why didn’t you suggest counseling before cheating?  Of course she does not want to sleep with you!  Have you shown any remorse?  Not regret for getting caught, but real remorse for the extreme pain you caused.  What steps have you taken to heal your spouse, because your marriage can’t be fixed unless you do that?  Healing a marriage from infidelity takes years.  You can’t just rugsweep what you did and the trauma it caused.  You really need therapy to examine your own issues.[/quote]

I somewhat agree with you, to a point. The cheating was my fault, I take responsibility.  I need to examine this, for sure.

But spouse cut me off from intimacy.  I tried over and over to fix that.  If that doesn't change, there is no marriage, and no marriage to save.  So it's not always evil cheater vs. saint spouse.   My guess is most affairs, like most divorces, are rarely just one broken person in the marriage.[/quote]

So you know that there are other options but they require time/effort and so not the easiest route.  So saying cheating is because of x or y isn’t the truth and I  can see the logic in bad cheater perception.  It’s a you issue and you have to address that first. That is why individual counseling first makes sense.[/quote]

I went to many therapists over the years and they condoned cheating.  Very few will stand up and tell you that you are making a huge mistake and dig deep into the reasons why.  Yes, they are probably bad therapists but they are only hearing one side of the story.  It led me down a very dark path.   [/quote]

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