<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is coming home from a trip and wants sex and you're not giving it to her, she'll just get it in the trip next time, without you knowing.

Agree. Wife here; told my husband point blank that sex in the only two positions he likes is boring to me. I also really like oral and he won't give it to me. After 10 years of being unsatisfied, I found someone who will do it in ways I enjoy. I'm sorry to say that I'm only sorry I held out so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.

No they are saying she better jump in bed the night he comes home, even when she is tired and not in the mood, or he will start cheating.

No one is saying anything about celibacy including OP. Just because she doesn't want to have sex the first night or two after he gets back doesn't mean they never have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.

The thing is that if OP's DH came in the door after some time on the road and never mentioned sex or batted an eye at OP, she and most of people on here would say that he is cheating on her and that he got laid while he was away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn better time management. You make it sound like these tasks overwhelm you. That's not normal.

Says the parent who doesn't do shit at home or doesn't have young kids. Everyone is different, friend. I'm glad that you are perfect and it doesn't exhaust you in the slightest to work hard all day and run a household. But you can't live in such a bubble as to not know that it's normal for parents of young kids to be tired. And for parents flying solo to feel even more strain. Now move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

It depends. If they cheated it may never happen and she's simply biding her time. If it's attraction it could be age related too. My friend didn't age very well, and we are sure her husband loves her but isn't attracted. My spouse even comments she is hard to look at. This is more common than you think. If you're not attracted it's not going to happen. Can you be attracted to someone 300 lbs or to a wrinkled prune? It's often not about hormones. The media puts that out to make it the woman's fault for not wanting sex as much with their husband. I've known a lot of women and it's 90% one or more of the above.

Every situation is different. Perhaps ask your spouse, but be prepared it may not be the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Have you never dated anyone long enough for the sparks to fade? This is normal. That's why they need a female viagra stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.

The thing is that if OP's DH came in the door after some time on the road and never mentioned sex or batted an eye at OP, she and most of people on here would say that he is cheating on her and that he got laid while he was away.

This is true! From personal experience. If I didn't want to have sex on the night that I came home from my business trips... I would get accused of cheating. So, it's not JUST men that think this way.

Honestly, it's not a gender issue. It's an insecurity issue. It's that some people relate sex to love. They show love through sex. They only feel loved and cared for, and desired when they can get someone to have sex with them. That's not a gender issue! That's just human nature for some people. So, not having sex for those types of people is not just about getting off, it's about validating to them self, the way that their partner feels about them. Makes it a much bigger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Have you never dated anyone long enough for the sparks to fade? This is normal. That's why they need a female viagra stat.

I have been in both situations. Sparks fading and sparks not fading after very long periods of time. I have also been the fader and the faded. I did however, read this article once about why this may happen, and it made some sense.

Essentially, it was about people who "make love" or people who outright just f*ck all the time. And they say for the longer lasting sexual relationship, it's great to have outright dirty f*cking, but you also have to have times where you "make love". In order for sex with one person to last over a long period of time, there has to be a sense of emotion that is connected to the act itself. That is my busy, abridged version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

Because what are the odds you are ever rested, with four kids? Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Um, we have kids. No one with kids gets divorced lightly. Seems to me the compromise if mom and dad can't agree on sex is to outsource it, and keep the family home intact. Much more ethical to get your needs met discreetly elsewhere than to break up the family and finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn better time management. You make it sound like these tasks overwhelm you. That's not normal.

Says the parent who doesn't do shit at home or doesn't have young kids. Everyone is different, friend. I'm glad that you are perfect and it doesn't exhaust you in the slightest to work hard all day and run a household. But you can't live in such a bubble as to not know that it's normal for parents of young kids to be tired. And for parents flying solo to feel even more strain. Now move along.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Um, we have kids. No one with kids gets divorced lightly. Seems to me the compromise if mom and dad can't agree on sex is to outsource it, and keep the family home intact. Much more ethical to get your needs met discreetly elsewhere than to break up the family and finances.

You assume that outsourcing is an option. What about the husband or wife that makes the unilateral celibacy decision, but also refuses to open the marriage? Most people who outsource sex find themselves in divorce anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Um, we have kids. No one with kids gets divorced lightly. Seems to me the compromise if mom and dad can't agree on sex is to outsource it, and keep the family home intact. Much more ethical to get your needs met discreetly elsewhere than to break up the family and finances.

You're not talking about ethics, you're talking about convenience. Don't get the two confused. It's more CONVENIENT to keep everything in tact because god forbid, you had to strike out on your own and you couldn't live off your spouses money, or god forbid you had to split your assets. So, it's not an ethical decision, it's a convenient one. And ethically speaking, cheating on your spouse isn't really in the realm of ethical.